Behind Closed Doors: What Is Edgeplay?

No, not edging—edgeplay. Shall I explain? 

Image via Tumblr

Edgeplay is the extreme sports of sex 

It's not something I realized when I first dove into researching edge play. I knew it was intense, something at the far edge of BDSM and overall kink, but it wasn't until I read the definition that the connection resonated: Edgeplay is the kind of kink that will send your adrenaline and dopamine into overdrive, and technically, you can die doing it. (Let that be a word of warning—edgeplay is not for the inexperienced or the untrained.) It's a kind of play that comes with high risk and high reward, and just like extreme sports, it produces a crescendo of neurotransmitters starting with adrenaline and ending in a chemical cocktail of endorphins. Activities like this are transcendent in the sense that if you do it right (and stay, you know, relatively safe), they can take you out of your body entirely and create out-of-this-world euphoria. 

You can look at the "edge" that you're playing with as your psychological limits. It's the deepest you can go into your psyche at the darkest corners of your brain, and yes, actual damage can happen at this edge (both physical and psychological) if something goes wrong. Another thing it has in common with extreme sports: Even when you're careful, educated, and respectful of your body's limits, sometimes there's just no way to anticipate what could go wrong. Many people hear this and immediately draw back, which is understandable. Safety is a priority for many people during sex, and rightfully so. Consider this, though: Kink of any kind, when explored with a partner you wholly, deeply trust, can expand the parameters of your relationship entirely, creating an unparalleled bond filled with new, exciting sexual experiences that never plateau. I've always had this idea that if you're GGG (good, giving, and game, an acronym courtesy of the one and only Dan Savage), long-term relationships should really only become more sexually satisfying over time, not less. I know—call me crazy. 

Another extreme sports parallel: Stigma would suggest that people who put themselves in harms way willingly are nutty, but participating in kink or BDSM (or zorbing) doesn't indicate that something's wrong with you at all—it's just what you like, what makes you feel alive, what creates new and euphoric experiences. That said, small steps are best when it comes to learning kink (and yourself, as it were), so if you haven't waded in the waters of regular BDSM yet, it's a good idea to start there and consider edgeplay later. (This is a pretty good article on introducing the idea in your relationship, if you're currently swimming in the Vanilla Waters and want to migrate to the Kink Sea.) The first time you went scuba diving, you wouldn't go cave diving, right? Right? OK, I'll stop with the ocean metaphor now. 

SSC, RACK and the 4Cs—so many acronyms, so little time 

Now that you have a basic idea what edgeplay is and why people partake, there are a few a million acronyms we're gonna need to go over. I'll start with the basics: SSC (safe, sane, and consensual), RACK (risk-aware consensual kink), and the 4Cs (care, consent, communication, control). In this day and age, regular ol' BDSM is considered SSC, as it doesn't usually put your life at risk. Take spanking, for example—within reason, you're probably going to be fine. Something that is not SSC? Gun play. One mistake, and it can end a life. That's an extreme example, but you get the idea. Most edgeplay pushes the limits of SSC play and resides somewhere in RACK, which means you understand the risks but are opting into the activity anyway. Were you to partake in extreme humiliation consensually, you would know that whatever happened might psychologically harm you, either now or permanently. 

The 4 Cs are an extrapolation of this, including strong communication between partners along with aftercare and basic control over the outcome. The general consensus is that some edgeplay (particularly the personal variety—but I'll get to that) falls into this category. A great deal of general edgeplay falls into a bucket called consensual nonconsent though. Take rape play—the inability to use a safeword or stop the action is somewhat crucial to the authenticity of the experience, and partners with a deep trust can engage in consensual nonconsent (AKA, discussing this kind of play way before you hop into the sack) in a way that's incredibly beneficial to their relationship. The danger, of course, is that it's not terribly difficult to go too far without knowing we've really hurt our partner. 

General edgeplay, in its most basic definition, is the kind of stuff that would be considered pushing sane by most people. Gun play, as mentioned, is one of them, along with the incorporation of knives, fire, electricity, asphyxiation, waterboarding, and TPE (total power exchange). I said it before and I'll say it again: You need proper education and training (plus ample BDSM/kink experience) before you even consider trying any of these things. A lot of the folks who delve into edge play understand the human body better than almost anyone, doctors included. I am not in that category. Yet, at least. Things like asphyxiation can result in permanent brain damage if administered incorrectly, and blood play can equal infection. Which brings me to...

Pick your partner wisely

It's already obvious that you need someone you really, really, really trust to get the most out of (and, you know, survive) this kind of play. It's equally important to make sure you have an incredibly open relationship from a communication standpoint, too. Before you can delve into your darkest fantasies, you have to be able to talk about them without fear of judgement, and you need to be able to be honest with your limits. Aftercare, as detailed by the 4Cs, is a huge part of BDSM and edgeplay, so your partner needs to be able to understand what will make you feel safe and loved after it's all said and done. What those things are is up to you. Familiarity with sub drop, dom drop, and the overall crash you can have after such an intense experience is pretty crucial as well.

Speaking of your partner, this is where personal edgplay comes in. Most experts argue that each person's edge is unique based on their own fears and triggers, meaning that knowing what will be a challenging, intense experience for your partner in particular creates a whole different experience (sometimes, it will be less dangerous than the general variety—physically, at least). Clowns, bugs, claustrophobia, etc. all qualify. Some bouts of edgeplay will arouse you immediately, and some will be distinctly uncomfortable until later—sometimes weeks later—when reminiscing is erotic. 

Jumping in

Luckily, if you're interested in checking out BDSM or edgeplay, there are tons of training and education resources. Many sites have edgeplay communities, there are countless seminars and training events all over the world, and there are even ways to go through lifestyle coaching that will help you out. (This is also a cool site.) You'll even find some great resources on YouTube on getting started and understanding the purpose of your edges:

And with that, I hope you are feeling jazzed about the endless bucket of awesomeness that is sex. Again, don't forget that delving into extremes like edgeplay can be incredible for passion and trust, but it can also ruin your relationship (and your life) if you aren't careful. I, for one, am fully aware that I should probably learn how to light a match without burning my fingers before I proceed into anything like fire play. Sigh. 

--

Have questions, comments, or concerns? Shoot me an email at [email protected].