“Halloween: XXX Porn Parody” Is An Absolute Treat (No Trick!)

John Carpenter's "Halloween" truly is the perfect horror film to splice with porn. Sure, Lily LaBeau is no Jamie Lee Curtis, but she does fuck some guy wearing a ghost costume and sunglasses, and that's just as good in my book.

Halloween: XXX Porn Parody

Studio: Smash Pictures
Director: Jim Powers
Cast: Lily LaBeau, Andy San Dimas, Raven Alexis, Lexi Belle, Britney Amber, Seth Gamble, Marcus London, Bill Bailey, Jessy Jones, Chris Strokes

If you haven't seen the original film—which you absolutely should—here's a quick rundown of the plot: a six-year-old Michael Myers murders his sister on Halloween after indirectly witnessing her sexual encounter with her boyfriend. Fifteen years later, he escapes from his psychiatric hospital and makes his way back to his hometown. There he finds and terrorizes teenager Laurie Strode and her friends. You can probably guess the rest of the plot: there's a silent masked murderer, a doctor hot on the maniac's trail, many young women dying one by one, a final showdown, an open ending, and plots of plinky piano music.

In addition to being the first slasher film, "Halloween" might be the first film to shame slutty and free-spirited females (by having them gruesomely killed by a masked psychopath). Laurie Strode, originally played by Jamie Lee Curtis, survives her encounter with Michael Myers because she has the will to fight back; however, a few critics note the correlation between those who engage in sexual activity and drug use and those who get killed by the villain. That is, Laurie stays chaste and lives while her friends party and die.

So, yeah, obviously "Halloween" makes a phenomenal parody porn.

And because he's obviously knows what he's doing, director Jim Powers sticks to the original as closely as possible. Many scenes in "Halloween: XXX" are shot-for-shot recreations of Carpenter's work, so all of that groovy, campy, retro horror vibe is present. In fact, the cover for this parody is pretty much the original movie poster with some naked ladies thrown over it. Lazy work? Maybe. Effective? Certainly.

The parody opens exactly as the real film does: with young Michael watching his sister and her boyfriend (Raven Alexis and Seth Gamble) through the living room window. They fondle each other for a bit before retiring to Raven's room for more heavy petting, and while Michael waits downstairs, we get to see the two lovebirds frantically peel each other's clothing off. Throughout the entire scene—whether Raven is getting head, getting fucked, or vigorously rubbing her clit—Raven is screaming. Not orgasmically screaming, just screaming. We don't remember her being quite so loud, and we'd like to say it's part of a deliberate plan to have Michael equate sex with bloody violent murder, but it gets in the way of the scene somewhat. POV doggy style with anal fingering simply isn't as good with the sound off.

When Michael slowly climbs the stairs to Raven's room, giant butcher knife at the ready, I actually got scared—genuinely frightened for the girl! Maybe it's because I didn't want to hear her scream again.

It'd be silly to detail how the rest of the parody goes because it's exactly like the real movie. Here are a few wonderful exceptions:

Laurie's (that is, Lily LaBeau's) best friends are the unabashedly slutty duo of Andy San Dimas and Lexi Belle. They don't care about school, saving themselves for marriage, or underage drinking laws, and so their presence in the parody is one long, fantastic, sex-filled doom spiral, and they always want Lily to cut loose with them.

Andy: Why don't you come over and hang out with me and Paul before you go babysit?
Lily: But he always tries to have a threesome.
Andy (flatly): Yeah. I know. It works him up so much and then he fucks me so hard.

In truth, Lily does want to fuck Paul (Bill Bailey), especially after Andy whips his cock out in front of her to demonstrate its formidable girth and length. Lily doesn't get involved, but Andy and Billy have enough fun on their own.

Another brilliant deviation from the original goes down when Lily is watching a horror film. Instead of "The Thing" popping up on the TV, we're treated to a young, blonde girl wearing only a towel being chased by a man with a (completely, truly horrifying) painted burlap mask. He asks his prey if she's getting wet, if she wants his cock, and as he continues questioning her in his Satan voice, Lily starts touching herself. She gets so worked up that she pulls her panties aside and uses both hands to work her clit into a glistening, dripping red. This scene is brief, but it develops Laurie's sexuality in a way that's both tasteful and congruent with the spirit of the original movie.

Anyway, Michael murders Andy in her home, then Lexi's boyfriend, and then he dresses up as a ghost and strangles Lexi. When Lily shows up at Andy's place, she finds Michael still in his ghost costume and assumes that it's Bill Bailey under that sheet. "Do you think Andy will mind if I borrow her boyfriend's cock for a bit?" The mute and massive murderer says nothing, but slowly puts his dick through a hole in the sheet (who knew he was Jewish?) and lets Lily gag on it. She has some trouble riding cowgirl with his costume in the way, but she eventually finds the leverage and rhythm she needs to slam down and hit her sweet spots. Criss Strokes, who lends his cock to the murderer for this scene, even gets a little carried away and starts spanking Lily in doggy style. He even fingers her ass! Is that the kind of thing the real Michael Myers would do? Yes, yes it is.

We're not saying that sadistic murderers have a thing for ass play; all we're saying is that "Halloween: XXX Porn Parody" knows when to hold 'em and when to walk away; it knows when it's best to adhere to the source material and when to loosen up with a finger in a butthole. That's what makes this an absolute joy to watch!

But you know what isn't a joy? The box that this movie came in. It's twice as large as the DVD case even though there's nothing else inside of it. I wouldn't be so upset about it if Smash Pictures was the only company doing this, but I've seen it from Adam & Eve, Exquisite Films, and other folk as well. It's wasteful and stupid.

Besides that—and the fact that a few sex scenes are frequently interrupted by a peeping Michael Myers and his horrible mask (which looks a bit like evil Eric John, no disrespect)—"Halloween: XXX Porn Parody" is a complete success. It's the perfect movie to watch in a September full of those pop-up Spirit stores full of cheap costumes!

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Andy San Dimas and Bill Bailey
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Andy San Dimas and Bill Bailey
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Andy San Dimas and Bill Bailey
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Andy San Dimas and Bill Bailey
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Andy San Dimas and Bill Bailey
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Britney Amber and Marcus London
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Britney Amber and Marcus London
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Britney Amber and Marcus London
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Britney Amber and Marcus London
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Britney Amber and Marcus London
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Lexi Belle and Jessy Jones
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Lexi Belle and Jessy Jones
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Lexi Belle and Jessy Jones
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Lexi Belle and Jessy Jones
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Lexi Belle and Jessy Jones
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Lily LaBeau and Criss Strokes
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Lily LaBeau and Criss Strokes
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Lily LaBeau and Criss Strokes
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Lily LaBeau and Criss Strokes
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Lily LaBeau and Criss Strokes
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Andy San Dimas and Criss Strokes
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Andy San Dimas and Criss Strokes
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Andy San Dimas, Lily LaBeau, and Criss Strokes
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Criss Strokes
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Lexi Belle and Criss Strokes
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Lily LaBeau and Criss Strokes
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Raven Alexis and Seth Gamble
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Raven Alexis and Seth Gamble
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Raven Alexis and Seth Gamble
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Raven Alexis and Seth Gamble
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Raven Alexis and Seth Gamble
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