October 19, 2004 | Posted in Editorial Features by
Since we had to do something about all those sex toy samples cluttering up the office at Fleshbot Central, today we're debuting an occasional feature where we'll be giving some of them to eminent members of the blogging community and having them report back on their experiences. This week, the indefatigable (and very brave) Toby of Vividblurry goes head-to-head with Falcon's "Signature Collection" Jeremy Penn Supercock ... and lives to tell the tale.
* * * * *
Vividblurry vs. Jeremy Penn:
A Cautionary Tail
by Toby Halliwell
As my new "Jeremy Penn Supercock" lay defeated in my shower, I limped back to my bedroom, questioning the cost of victory. Sure, I had triumphed in shoving an impossibly oversized dildo into my ass, but no army wins a battle without the spilling of blood. My skirmish with a latex penis would surely be no exception.
The dildo in question is modeled after the penis of Falcon porn actor Jeremy Penn, whose toothy smile and boyish dimples betray the trouser snake lurking in his boxer shorts. I've spotted him in a few illegally obtained QuickTime clips, including one in which he bottoms—supposedly for the first time. Ah, if only my first time had been captured on film. Of course, this didn't occur to me until after I sobered up. Live and learn.
Though he does not appear to be a full nine inches on screen, Penn's dildo satisfies his alleged physical endowment. With a circumference of six-and-a-half (lock)jaw-dropping inches, the plastic schlong boasts a seven-inch "insertable length". Um, insertable by whose standards? Paris Hilton's? The thing is so wide that I could barely grip my hand around it, let alone my ass cheeks. I could already feel my midsection clenching in protest.
Included with the large dildo is an equally disproportionate packet of lubricant. Using that squirt of lube to shove a nine-inch object into my ass would be like arming a club-bound Tara Reid with a mini-bottle of Absolut. It's as absurd as it is ill-advised.
Fortunately, I had some leftover KY from my previous incarnation as a "Sexually Active Homosexual." It had been a while since I'd seen the business end of a phallus. What better way to get back into the game than through impersonal intercourse with a nine-inch dildo? Onward!
Adhering to the code of ethics as prescribed by the Society of Professional Journalists, I inserted the dildo into my ass in such a way that would effectively "minimize harm" to both my rectum and my bed sheets. The shower it is! Suctioning Jeremy Penn's balls to the tile, I squatted over his latex likeness, bracing myself for a world of impending pain. And as the head slithered into my rectum, I knew that getting fucked by petroleum byproducts is not for me.
It hurt. A lot. Of the seven "insertable" inches, I could manage only three. And though my anus did not bleed, my heart did ache for the silent screams of the porn industry's innocent bottoms. I feel for you all.
The dildo is still in the shower, firm and valorous, ready for another go. I, too, stand tall—due, in part, to the fact that I am unable to sit. But I will honorably decline its challenge for a Round Two ass-reaming. That duel, I'm afraid, is reserved for the real Jeremy Penn.
- Toby Halliwell is a 21-year-old college student who will do anything for a free dildo.
* * * * *