Porn Review Haikus

Says our suddenly existential resident poet laureate Gram Ponante by way of introduction to this week's edition of Porn Review Haikus: "You think you will live forever. You think you are invincible. You and your fragile eggshell mind. This week's selection of haikus represent films that prove how flimsy are our marriages, our loyalties, and our asses. In fact, what the porn world tells us this week is that because things are ephemeral, they should be destroyed. So I'm going to start by not paying my gas bill."

In the meantime, we'll start by sharing with you everything you need to know about Lethal's "Appetite for Ass Destruction #3", Smash Pictures' "Cheating Housewives", and 413 Productions' "PornFidelity"—in seventeen syllables each—after the jump.

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Porn Review Haikus: Scorched Earth Edition
by Gram Ponante

. . .

"Appetite for Ass Destruction #3"
(Lethal Hardcore)

You are like Shiva:
You're killing our fish and ducks
And our fine asses.

Among modern civilization's many crimes is ass destruction, or the destruction of asses.

David McCullough, in his excellent biography of John Adams, noted that 18th century America (particularly the Philadelphia of the Continental Congresses) had no such problem with ass destruction—though there had been a case of dysentery that nearly emptied the city.

Things are different today. Walk down any street in Chatsworth, capital of Porn Valley, and the scholar will find asses that look like either half of Dresden.

Stoney Curtis' up and coming label, Lethal Hardcore, traces the millennial penchant for destroying asses in this three-volume series, the latest installment featuring Arcadia, who proves to be a Power Station ass-wise. If there is a referendum on Ass Destruction this Election Day, are you gonna do it?

. . .

"Cheating Housewives"
(Smash Pictures)

Deepening, the fog
Dampens each evergreen branch.
(Cum-coated Vicky.)

One of porn's many contributions to western culture is the half-assed appropriation of more successful originals, like "Schindler's Fist", "Mr. Holland's Anus", and "Sideways (Up Your Ass)".

Now, a few months after Sex Z Pictures released the "Desperate Housewives" takeoff "Desperate Wives", Smash Pictures has produced "Cheating Housewives". It stars Vicky Vette who, if there is a God, will star in my interracial gangbang picture "Gorillas in the MILF".

That "Desperate Housewives" is already pornography is hardly reason to not make more pornography from its careworn pornish premise. After all, Britney Spears has already spawned Britney Rears, and I'm hoping Mariah is one well-earned breakdown away from "Gram Ponante's Clitter".

. . .

"PornFidelity"
(413 Productions)

There must be a catch ...
You're giving me permission?
There must be a catch.

Internet model Kelly Madison and her husband, Vance, fuck the likes of Danni Woodward, Rebecca Love, and sock model Lauren Phoenix. People crowd around Vance, saying things like, "Sock model? Vance, I remember when you couldn't even land a burlap model. Now look at you."

But I can't let go of the fact that somewhere there is a loophole in Vance's seemingly-charmed life. Who is this Kelly Madison, with her natural 34FF breasts? What will be the ultimate cost of Vance's abandon?

That's the porn I'd like to see. I've seen plenty of first times, plenty of popped anal cherries, plenty—maybe even enough—"comeback" scenes, and now I'd like to see a porn where the heretofore-groovy couple look at each other across the expanse of Lauren Phoenix and say, "It freaks me out that you're fucking other people."

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Previously: Porn Review Haikus Archive