There are a ton of phenomenal prepositional phrases readily available in the pornographic lexicon, but we think “Down the Throat” has something special about it. Maybe it’s the sound of the letters, or maybe it’s the visual we get from hearing the phrase, but whatever it is, it instantly lets us know that something dirty is going on and somebody means business.

We love the term “down there.” It’s always said with an italicized voice and a wave of the eyebrows, and no matter what position the speaker is in, you can instantly picture them hiding something sweet and sexy under the tablecloth and between their legs. Such graphic subtlety, you know? It’s a paradox of pubic relations.

Chastity Lynn landed a sweet babysitting gig looking after Dana DeArmond’s youngster, but Dana’s stories about her ex-husband are filling Chastity with a bitter hatred for a man she’s never met. What do you think will happen with Chastity finally meets Dana’s ex? Do you think there’ll be banging? Yep!

Are you concerned? Do you feel anxious about the sheer area of ass exhibited in this fine film? Don’t worry, we’ll break it down for you. One acre is exactly 43,560 square feet, but fortunately for us, this isn’t a foot fetish film and there are no squares allowed.

A lot, they are a lot sexy. Very much so. Super sexy is them. They are the sex. (This is what happens when Felicia Clover’s tasty thighs make the blood flee from the language centers of our brain to fill other, more attentive parts of the body.)

Counting calories? We all are, but now you don’t have to worry about how many pretty panties you polish off! “My Little Panties 5″ gives you all of the hot, cottony, lacy, frilly flavor you’d find in grown-ass undies but in a smaller, more efficient package (that’s connected to a hot teen pornstar). It’s the Snackwells of panties!

To be perfectly honest, we rolled our eyes a bit when we heard there was going to be another porn film based on “Fifty Shades of Grey,” but then we got hooked up with a ton of exclusive photos from “A Lovers’ Guide to 50 Shades” and quickly unrolled them peepers. This isn’t just BDSM-infused porn, this is dark, intriguing, sensual, and educational sex narrated by the one and only Allie Haze.

You asked for more, so New Sensations and Eddie Powell are giving you more in every possible way. “Big Girls Are Sexy” returns to teach us that cushion isn’t just for pushin’, but also for snuggling with and falling asleep upon when said cushion-bearer makes you come so hard that your knees give out.

We all want to belong to something–a family, a movement, a religion–but sometimes it’s hard to figure out one’s place in the world. For example, where do all the big dicks go? Should they stand proudly in the wind with the flagpoles? Must they be chained up with the guns in the barracks? No, they belong to the cuties, and the cuties belong to them.

Given that porn is a celebration of excess, it’s nice to see a film set its sights on the happy medium. Eddie Powell doesn’t want to go overboard with that dirty stuff, he just wants a thin layer of filthiness, like a piece of salty, fatty, carnally-charged prosciutto wrapped around the melon of innocence.

How can anyone look at this picture of Bridgette B. simultaneously titfucking and sucking a cock and not get excited? “Nope, sorry, that’s not for me,” say the Negative Nancies of the world, who go home and have nightmares about busty women destroying skyscrapers with their tits. Such a silly fear! If these ladies wanted to bring the world to its knees, they would’ve done it already.

Say what you will about the pharmaceutical epidemic affecting America today, but we think all those study drugs have done wonderful things for the energy and morale of the youngsters. All over the country, eighteen year-olds like Staci Silverstone are getting done with SATs and college application essays so quickly that they have ample free time to work on cramming fat dicks down their throats.

Xander Corvus and Avril Hall have just moved in with India Summer; obviously that means Xander is going to have sex with India at some point. But how does Evan Stone fit into this? Who invited him over to have sex with everything? Why does he constantly play roles like that?

Lisa Ann has heard about the sex positive movement, and she think it’s just swell. So she’s taken it upon herself to encourage everyone around her to make their sex dreams cum true (our favorite is Dana DeArmond dominating paperboy Xander Corvus!) We’re not sure if this is the full extent of the meaning of a positive mental attitude but when there’s this much hot fucking going on we’re not complaining!

Oh yes, another one of these movies. We’ve sat idly by and watched girls get torn away from the elaborate dresses and frocks and petticoats so that strong men might lovingly rough them up, and all we’ve learned from this experience is that we’re willing to watch more. Bring on the piano lessons and the disciplinary actions!

The funny thing about this clip is that we’re not certain if it’s supposed to be retro or not. In our minds, glowsticks, candy-colored wigs, and Sailor Moon hair screams 1993 with much the same enthusiasm that these sluts moan as they get banged in the bathroom of this so-called rave. But maybe the kids are actually partying like this these days?! How fast does nostalgia cycle through in this day and age?

These are wintry economic times. And just as women had to learn to play baseball and other manly jobs during WWII, the ladies of the current recession are learning to play traditional male porn roles. And the men are just passive receptionist of their cum. Women using their bodies as their means of production never looked so good.

Some people say that children are the future, and we heartily disagree with them. Barely legal belles who dress up in Catholic schoolgirl uniforms are the future, for they remind us that life is about learning, and even when you’re done with formal schooling, you’re constantly taking in new information and growing as a person. Step one for growing as a person: put on a schoolgirl uniform.

“Love, Marriage, & Other Bad Ideas” is another triumph in the further redemption of the couples’ movie. Maybe we know how it will end, but the journey is well worth it.

Nina Hartley used to have an exciting life as a travel writer, flying all over the world and exploring new places, but then she got pregnant with Lexi Belle. Eighteen years later, Lexi is in love with Xander Corvus, and Nina’s starting to fell all hot and bothered by his rugged good-looks. Is it fair of Nina to hold Lexi responsible for ending her career? No, but it certainly makes for some awesome revenge sex!