The Motels (“Take the L out of ‘lover’ and it’s ‘over’”) is my choice for Awfulest Band of the 80′s, but it had a canon. Taco’s lone hit was a cover. I remember this very clearly: I was at the home of someone who is now a Facebook friend and

Just last week a reader traveled back to the “Diver Down” era to rename a porn movie “People Fucking.” And yet this week we get the most obvious title in the world, 25 years late. Of course anything with Cassandra Calogera in it is “Jerkoff Material.” If she were riding

What do Hairy Pussies and Coca Cola Classic have in common? They’re both retronyms: names created when the original word was no longer descriptive enough. Forgive me, Dr. Lederer. There was a time when all pussies were hairy. Who would think of shaving them? And once upon a time Coca

“We have looked into the anus, and it is us,” someone once said. While the font of Evil Angel’s “Deep Anal Abyss 2″ doesn’t impart the despair Adrianna Nicole must be feeling, I’d Camus her. Fleshbot Readers, your answers to last week’s contest were so thoughtful that we thought we’d

Lisa Ann looks so tempting and accessible on this boxcover that it makes us sad that she’s crazy. Poor thing. What? She’s not crazy? But the title of the – I don’t get it. All right, so “Head Case” is a movie about blowjobs, I guess, according to the copy

While prefixing anything with the word “cyber-” makes us giggle like when our granddad warned about “smoking drugs,” this movie inspires nostalgia for the days when we would suffix fortune cookie aphorisms with “.com.” “Cyber Sluts,” you see, are sluts who have an Internet presence. Hasn’t an Internet presence been

In this weekend’s glut of conspicuously consumptive footballery, remember the simple furtive pleasures of grabbing glimpses of panties beneath those Cardinals snowbird muumuus or Steelers blast furnace aprons. Dear Readers, it is true that I couldn’t care less who wins this weekend, but what I do care about, like getting

Unless performed on oneself, the handjob is the toughest of the marital arts. Therefore the notion of a “Fantasy” handjob made me think of Cthulhu (the tentacles!), Grimace, the Archangel Gabriel, or a unicorn. Hookers do this thing – they learn it at hooker camp – where they can successfully

We meet at a quickie trade paperback celebrity book-signing (“Dana Plato’s Posthumous Carb Diary”), you ask if I’d like to give you a creampie, then you show me your ass. I think: Amateur. Everybody—even Conrad Bain—knows that a creampie is vaginal by default unless it is specifically labeled an anal

This movie dutifully answers the question “How many nurses take it up the ass?” But my question for you, Dear Readers, is “Must we go through that forward ass to get to the remaining five?” Actually that isn’t my question, but I do like the idea of what Brahe called

“We’re stuffing more things than stockings this Christmas,” crows the pitch for this release featuring the biteable Tyla Wynn. All right. We’ll take that. But you can do better. Can you come up with a better tag line for a Christmas porn than that? Do what you must: sexualize the

We don’t always love Wicked’s movies, but we do love their boxcovers. Probably because, like porn itself, they leave room for our wild imaginations to wander. Here is Mikayla Mendez on the cover of “Sexy Bitch.” It’s like someone—maybe it was you?—called her a Sexy Bitch from the laundry room

Look at the juicy and delicious April Flores on the cover of “Waist Watchers 4.” LOOK AT HER. That’s right: you’re not just looking at her waist; you’re looking at handfuls of other parts that, laid atop each other on a scale, would create an exuberant feeling in you greater

The melon-scented squishings and sloshings of “Tunnel Butts” raised as many eyebrows as they did the front panels of our Toughskins recently, so we’re asking you, as simply as we possibly can, to come up with a better title for this movie featuring women with asses through which we’d like

“Like the semen that gets devoured – ‘Need for Seed 3′ is – HOT!” stammers the boxcover copy of this gem that features Internal Popshots, the kind of xuppage that doesn’t get all over the place until after you’ve gone and she needs to move from atop the record player

Milves turning their adult daughters into prostitutes, and then getting the process filmed. Is there anything we cannot accomplish with our positive outlook and entrepreneurial zeal? No. There is nothing. Thanks, GawkerMedia-sponsored Anthony Robbins seminar! But now the question is: What would you not want to see in your porn?

Dirty, dirty, dirty. Nice girls don’t do it, and their partners daren’t ask. That is why anal access is the highest (or lowest) rung on porn’s ladder. In fact, even the word “rung” sounds dirty in this context. And there is no greater anal acrobat than Belladonna, who sports a

Having never met a hooker with a heart of gold (and this is a singular tragedy), I still think prostitutes are swell. Morning, evening, at the Presbyterian barbecue for my Congressman – or anytime! But what conditions have to be met for a porn movie to advertise a prostitute rather

First off, we were so impressed with last week’s efforts that we are moving to Philadelphia to fondle the left ball of Duncan Doughnut and perform an Ass Meld on our sneeze reflex. But it’s a new week in a litigious world, and Zero Tolerance has clearly forgotten about a

As you consider what’s happening to Kristie Creame, be thankful that the title of this movie has nothing to do with the fact that a black man is doing it. But see, also, that he has his left hand on her right cheek, as if trying to reconcile the sides