So there’s this world, right? It’s like ours, but it’s ruled by a big computer who divides everyone into the haves and the have-nots. Also, there’s a magazine that’s hired some photographer named Gerard to find the most stunning nude pictures for their special issue (and this is a life-or-death matter). Anyway, we lost track of what we’re talking about. Gerard can relate. Here he is getting distracted by random beach sex.

And for your information, this isn’t the only sex scene in the film, it’s not anywhere near the only nudity in the film, and we guarantee this ain’t the weirdest part. We’re pretty sure this clip below is. Good luck, folks!

· “Centrespread” (imdb.com)

We know you’re busy, Richardson Magazine knows you’re busy, so nobody’s trying to make you spend hours and hundreds of dollars at a strip joint. Those crazy mix-masters at Richardson found a way to give you an energetic, drippy, bouncy, pelvis-whipping dance in only two minutes. If you’ve ever read “The Windup Girl,” it’s kind of like watching Emiko do her thing at Raleigh’s: heechy-keechy.

If you haven’t read that book, it’s no big deal. All we’re saying is that the dancer in question gets down hard and then gets sped up so that she grinds and pussy-pops at inhuman speeds. It’s definitely a way different pace than the last time Richardson gave us a Private Dance, but it still makes us feel that we’re loved. Yes, loved by someone who likes to dose us with psilocybin and then twirl and strip for us–that’s our kind of romance!

· Get that dance you need: PRIVATE DANCE 02 (richardsonmag.com)

We’re lucky that the iPod is such a small toy, because those newfangled touch screen models are sleek and kind of arousing. If they were any bigger and, you know, woman-shaped, we might find ourselves in some technosexual situations that would result in a lot of soul searching (and perhaps a trip to the hospital).

Such is the educational discussion that takes place in “Movie 43,” which, for some reason, is dubbed in Russian here. If the world keeps making mp3 players hotter and hotter, soon they’ll end up looking like Cherina Monteniques Scott and Cathy Cliften and then it’ll be too late to tell people about the sharp fan blades in the exhaust port. Eventually, everything becomes a sex toy!

· “Movie 43″ (imdb.com)

Okay, so this is a little off the “beating” path for us… But as part of the crossroads between smut and internet, we may as well dive down — deep down. This sort of reminds us of the fun/smutty emoticons and symbols we used to toss around in IMs and chat rooms for cybergiggles, but taken to the next level. Why, our friends and fellow chatters would have fallen off their desk chairs! And apparently this may be the ass of Jada Stevens, Buttwoman herself, now immortalized in character code. Can any savvy buttfans confirm? Either way: Internet, Smut — you make a great couple.

[Via Reddit. Have a GIF you'd like to see us feature? Email us!]

Some people like to decorate their homes with weird paintings, Danish midcentury modern furniture, comic book knick knacks, Art Deco clock faces… the list goes on. We’ve gotta say we like what they’ve done here, though, with the whole masturbating-babe installation. That’s a really good idea!

We think she’s doing a great job at being beautiful, and we’re glad to see she has at least one real live person there appreciating/slight BDSMing her work. Click on over to Milano Undressed to see the full video, which is just one of several somewhat odd and fetishy flicks. We naturally like when any peoples are undressed; we should have expected the Milanese to do so with some next level style.

· Milano Undressed (mi-undressed.com) Via Indie Nudes (indienudes.com)

Both of the guys are swimming with giant, soggy T-shirts on and yet she’s the one who’s embarrassed. She has great breasts, too! And really, who looks more out of place on a sunny day in Miami? Not the busty mysterious water nymph trying to lure actors to her hidden kelp kingdom, that’s for sure.

The story goes that Leo and Jonah were enjoying some downtime together after working on “The Wolf of Wall Street,” and somehow a topless swimmer popped up next to them. We’re dying to know if they approached her, she swam past them, or perhaps some wave brought them together, because as it stands, it seems like they materialized next to each other. We’re fine with that explanation if that’s what it comes to. We take it as proof that God is bored and wants to make memes like the rest of us.

· Via The Sun (thesun.co.uk)

Ingredient list: tortillas, filet mignon, king crab legs, lobster, Amy’s refried beans, guacamole, cilantro (“picked this morning from Whole Foods”), brie, mango-peach salsa, rice, beluga caviar, Perrier-Jouët, and Macallan single malt scotch aged eighteen years. James notes, “As a rule, I think we should probably dip everything in the Macallan.” The guacamole, however, gets infused with champagne.

We don’t know how James found time to study at Le Cordon Bleu when he’s so busy fucking people for money, but such is his greatness: it spites time and space. The man shouldn’t have to justify his cooking choices or methods to anybody, but he does it anyway, so we might get a sense for his process. Why are you putting Macallan in the refried beans, James? “If you’re going to eat something that makes you fart, you might as well be drunk while farting.”

The video is ten minutes long, and yes, the whole thing is worth watching.

· Watch the greatest cooking show ever (apologies to Julia Child), “James Deen Loves Food: The World’s Most Expensive Burrito” (woodrocket.com)
· And there are more episodes of “James Deen Loves Food” available at Woodrocket (woodrocket.com)

What a coincidence, so does Maxima, the Russian communications corporation/internet provider! To be fair, we don’t think they forced any of their employees to pose naked in this 2013 calendar. We also don’t think the employees came up with the themes used in the pics, and we say this because some of the themes are, well, discomforting.

The picture above is fine: it’s just a very Athena-esque woman being worshipped by a handful of be-togaed men. Then there’s May, in which Sergei pulls the hair of Anastasia and her two naked and bound friends while he holds his cat-o’-nine-tails in the air. There’s also June, in which Julia is tied topless to a pole as two menacing men (one of whom looks like Will Sasso) with loin cloths and spears grimace around her. We’re not entirely sure how to react here! All’s fun in fun, right? And this could’ve been way more offensive than it is. What are your thoughts?

· See more at Buzzfeed (buzzfeed.com)

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Well, a whole freakin’ eyeful, that’s for sure. Yes, this is one of the more hardcore things my (hardly) innocent young eyes have beheld. Known to me only as CMC_109, there’s a whole world of dank and dirty smut in this particular file. Pig-faced bondage! Slave maids in closets! Operatic sensual food-eating! Forced massive enemas! I don’t know whether to feel aroused or exhausted.

I’ll first give this whole pornventure a little context. I recently went on a trip to Japan, and on my first night ventured into a bit of a red light district where I found an adult store. After perusing a bit, I tried to find the freakiest-looking DVD I could find (although I was a little underimpressed with the cover stories, I must say). Anyway, I wasn’t yet familiar with the transfer rate between dollars and yen, so easily plopped down ¥4800. The store clerk was very grateful and thanked me profusely, which I believed would be true of most everyone in Japan (it was). After I left the store and whipped out my trusty transfer rate app, I found that I’d just dropped $56.87 on one porn. Ah, well. Learning. But I digress. I think the best way to venture through the ominous CMC_109 is to just go along through the plot together. Which also happens to take place around Christmastime! How appropriate. Let’s commence, shall we?

From what I can gather through subtext, the film centers on a maid and chef who work in a hotel. It opens with a phone call between the chef and a hotel guest, who is later found to have a bound-up Japanese babe face-down, ass-up upon his bed. The chef proceeds to show the maid something on his phone (perhaps the caller’s name?) which then prompts her to go to the bathroom to cry/masturbate. A propensity we’ve all felt at one time or another, I’m sure. As she’s carrying on, the chef sneaks his phone between some slats in the door to snap a picture of the weepy/fingerbangy handmaiden.

After she emerges, he informs her that he knows what she’s been doing and shows her the picture. Obviously, he then gets out the pink intrapanty dildo he carries around and forces her to wear it beneath her maidgown. She then has to carry on her room service and other duties while being buzzed by that naughty chef.

Then we’re taken back to the hotel guests, who are still positioned with the lady trussed up on the bed, while the dude walks with purpose through the room. To fetch his giant water bowl and enema syringe, of course. That looks somewhat like this:

And, I was sort of still on board at this point — but what goes up an ass, one should presume, must come down again. It looks like glass bowls are aplenty round these parts, and so after his lady climbs upon a table, she squats over a fresh one and proceeds to release torrents of shit-laden enema water into it. And this is where my oddly extant boner died. Quickly.

Hey, my feelings exactly, friends! How strange is it that any genital must be blurred, yet it’s perfectly acceptable to show an asshole getting pumped full of water and then close-up crapping it back out?

Nevertheless, after this asstastic debacle, our maid returns to the kitchen where the chef allows her to remove her undie-dildo in exchange for binding her to a chair and bringing out some freaky noseclips that render her into a little bit of a piglet. (This image actually emblazons the cover and actually is one of the reasons I chose it as “super freaky”.)

And while she’s up there, because this is the good ol’ Enema Inn, the chef gets out his own ass-water gear and sets her up. And this turdwater bowl debacle happens again, but this time while he’s dripping copious amounts of candlewax all over her body. The film moves from a shitwater/candlewax soaked anus to glorious feasting by the guests.

I’ve actually seen insanely sensual food-eating in non-porn Japanese films, and I suppose there is an undeniable connection between indulging in various sensual delights. Yet, it’s still odd. Odd still. Primarily because my appetite had been evacuated by the proceedings of the last scene. On its own, though, not a bad vignette.

This slightly maniacal feasting gives way to our maiden hero, again trussed up on the table, but this time she’s acting as a serving platter for some whipped cream and fresh fruits. What a doll! After the chef and the guests lay waste to her spoils, I caught one of the few Japanese phrases I do know: Oy shi katta! Which translates to “That was delicious”. Indeed!

And because everything winds back onto itself, candlewax makes its way back into the scene. The maid has gotten all cleaned up and has fallen asleep upon the table. While they drip wax devilishly close to her, and then wish each other Merry Christmas.

Although this could be a joyful ending, complete with a good night to all and to all a good night, we just know it can’t be the end. Our sleeping maid has apparently done wrong again, and gets fettered yet again, this time with a delicate mouth-contraption that she can use to hold mini glasses of the chef’s beer. How droll! When she keeps dropping it, chef gets very angry, but it must be hard to keep things afloat when getting vigorously whipped. I feel ya, girl.

But of course she’s gotta be punished for her gross misdeeds. Next time we find our lady, she’s crouched in a closet. And finally — finally! — we see some “action”. If you can believe it, all this commotion has carried us through the first hour of this 90 minute porn, and there’s been no sex of oral, vaginal, or anal varieties. Well, that’s about to change, because she’s in perfect position to take on that angry ween of his.

And now, finally, we’ve earned some blurry P-in-V passion. Of sorts. She sort of weepily rides his dick, then is pushed to the ground where he missionary-bangs her. Next is the blazing, glorious cumshot! Hey, we’ve earned it!

Oh, actually, it’s the tiniest li’l load we’ve ever seen. That’s cool, though. We just swam through turd-hampered water and pignoses and closeup maw chewing, and we’re rewarded with a teensy little splash that spans a quarter boob. Oh well.

But friends, we’ve made it to the denouement. It looks like the chef and maid have worked out a nice little dealski where food, bondage, and degradation all combine! The very last moment finds her burying her cream-crusted mouth (because naturally she was eating fruits ‘n’ cream outta her bowl) into the pantsed crotch of the chef. A happy family portrait if we’ve ever seen one.

And we have this gentleman to thank for it all:

Only “kai”. So, thanks dude! Now we sort of want to cry and masturbate as well. And wonder what other crazy shit lies behind the curtains an American chick in a Tokyo smut store couldn’t even hope to see…

This artist, whoever they are, spends their time making obscene doodles of hijab-wearing women with cartoonishly huge tits getting joyfully impaled on massive dicks. In the wrong light, this seems childish and silly, but really it’s all quite funny and well-drawn, and makes us think about the carnal ideals that porn attains to.

Huge boobs on tiny frames, unwieldy cocks, plastic jaws, ropes of spit thick enough to secure a galleon, sexual positions that let you see ass and boob at the same time, and everything always dripping: it’s all there! And we absolutely love the name of this website, “The Pornographic Unconscious,” and everything it suggests about the energy and brain power we expend on sex and sexuality. All of those electrical impulses must exist somewhere, so why not in a ubiquitous Jungian cloud?

We wish we knew more about the artist behind these works, but all we can tell is that they speak Malay and they probably spend time in or near a Muslim community. Hopefully, the artist will read this and we can have a nice chat! Talk to us, friend, and let us know what pushes your pen.

· The Pornographic Unconscious (erocliche.tumblr.com)
· Via Indie Nudes (indienudes.com)

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If you’ve been paying attention to LA County politics, you may have heard mention of a little ballot initiative known as Measure B, a proposal to require condoms and other safer sex methods in adult film in LA County (as well as require the government to rigorously enforce this policy, at the taxpayers’ expense). Well, despite the best efforts of Porn Valley’s hardworking lobbyists, this measure passed last night–which, to put it bluntly, means that the hardworking men and women of the LA porn community got seriously fucked. And not in the fun way.

Regardless of your own personal feelings about safer sex and porn, it’s not hard to see why the adult industry isn’t thrilled about the mandate. For one thing, noncondom porn just plain sells better. And while Los Angeles may be the hub of American porn production, it’s certainly not the only place where porn gets made–so as long as Miami, San Francisco, San Diego, and a whole host of other places can legally produce condom free porn, there’s absolutely no financial advantage to adhering to the strictures of Measure B (especially when those strictures also include, ahem, letting the feds come on to your set and watch the action).

So let’s be real: from a consumer perspective, Measure B is highly unlikely to change porn as we know it–but it is likely to cost the industry a whole heck of a lot of cash. Whether studios buckle down and fight the measure in courts, or give in and move production out of LA, they’re going to be spending a whole lot of money just to guarantee that they can still bring you the porn you love and desire. So we’ve got a little suggestion for you: why not send them a little bit of cash to show your appreciation?

Maybe you’re a regular porn consumer, maybe you’ve never paid a dime for porn. Whatever the case, there’s no day like today to throw a little cash in the direction of the San Fernando Valley. As a friend said to us this morning, Porn Valley got fucked in the ass last night. And if that’s the kind of action you like to watch, we highly recommend paying for the pleasure.

And if you need recommendations on where to start, well, here’s a list of some of our favorite LA based studios.

Enter Belladonna Belladonna is the reason why pornography was created in the first place. If you have to ask why we think you should give her money, then you clearly need to go back to porn school.

Burning Angel There’s a reason why Joanna Angel is our Supreme Commandress, and it’s basically because she’s completely, totally awesome. Her unique brand of punk rock porn is equal parts funny and sexy. She works hard so we can all get hard–let’s show her some love.

Digital Playground It takes some serious chutzpah to trademark the phrase “Porn Worth Paying For,” but we think that Digital Playground more than lives up to their motto.

Elegant Angel If Buttwoman and Slutwoman had superpowers (instead of just super sex powers), they’d be able to take down Measure B all by themselves. Unfortunately, they’re gonna need your help–so why not send some cash to the company that chronicles their adventures?

EvilAngel.com The house of Buttman has brought us many great things–and worked hard to defend our rights to perv out in the process (remember that whole obscenity trial they went through?). Let’s stand with our proud pervs in their time of need.

Pink Visual Pass They innovate so you can masturbate. Now how about you donate to their cause, to help them keep the innovation engine running?

And a few more you should definitely consider supporting….

Naughty America
Brazzers Network
Babes.com
Wolf Hudson Is Bad
X-Art
Jules Jordan Hustler
Adam & Eve
Vivid
Triangle Films (fun fact–you know who owns Triangle Films? Two adorable older butch ladies, who are basically like what it would be like if your mother decided to get into the world of real lesbian porn. You wouldn’t want to let your mother down now, would you?)
Sweet Sinner
Sweetheart Video
Reality Junkies
Twistys

(And feel free to add more in the comments!)

[Photo above from Mile High Media's "Lesbian Babysitters 6]

If National Geographic and Playboy had a baby, this would be the placenta. We mean that in the nicest way. Sabrina Jung seems to play with surreal, contrasting, and often disturbing imagery in her work, but this project plays with our loins and our primal fears. Like, are we allowed to be attracted to these?

Does that count as bestiality? Because that barn owl has beautiful tits, especially with the dead mouse dangling between them. And that red panda–don’t get us started on that red panda! The work that went into this collection, called “Beutetiere” (meaning prey), seems pretty straightforward, but it takes our minds to a strange and somewhat frightening place. We love it when simple ideas bear juicy fruits, and Jung’s tree is loaded with some real lip smackers.

· See more of Sabrina Jung’s Beutetiere (sabrina-jung.de)
· Via Indie Nudes (indienudes.com)

Vice writer Henrik Saltzstein was leafing through a fishing magazine in a doctor’s waiting room in Denmark when he found “an untapped genre of amphibious soft porn.” That phrase alone is enough to make our skin crawl, but the photos actually aren’t half bad! Hot girls enjoying themselves on boats, wading deep in rivers, proudly displaying their freshly-caught aquatic phallic symbols prizes: there’s good ogling in them pictures.

If you really want to enjoy them, we recommend recreating the fishing experience at home. Take off your clothes (unless you have a khaki tackle vest in your possession), have a few beers, sit on a rocking chair, maybe get a minor sunburn, and the nausea and delirium should have you begging to see these fishing boobs. We don’t exactly know who you’ll be begging, but, you know, somebody.

· See more babes and fish (if that’s your thing) at Vice (vice.com)

I want to take a little break from myself and showcase a performer/director that I am just totally in love with. James Darling, I think that you are just the cat’s meow, or shall I say, the unicorn’s cumbucket?

These photos are given to me exclusively for Fleshbot, with love from James Darling and his site FTMFucker.com. All little James wanted for his birthday was a unicorn gangbang, and by golly–it looks like his wishes were granted.

These photos are here on Fleshbot courtesy of James’ brand new porn site FTMFucker.com, which features gay, straight, and queer porn starring at least one trans man in every scene. Stars like James Darling, Billy Castro, and Dex Hardlove are all over the site – alongside cisgender male talent like Ned Mayhem, and mainstream porn stars Baretta James and Audrey Rose! This website is the first of it’s kind, and I have no doubt in my mind that James Darling is going to take it above and beyond expectations… I mean, look at this gangbang!!! Unicorn Cum? I’m dying over here.

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· Photos by Ephemeral Studios (ephemeralstudios.tumblr.com)
· Exclusive content courtesy of FTM Fucker (ftmfucker.com)

[This post is a part of Courtney Trouble Week.]

Richardson’s latest video offering seems like another tribute to porn–mostly to amateur porn–but with a bit of a melancholy edge to it. Maybe it’s just the slow, mournful, yet horny jam by The Weeknd that plays throughout, or maybe it’s because we want to see more footage from the clips they include in this video, but something makes us seriously question our endless hunt for hot porn to fap to.

Perhaps that’s the point of this piece. The movie–like the song that plays throughout it–is called “Next,” and we find ourselves so used to watching one bit of pornography follow another in this parade that we don’t even register when it switches between straight and gay smut. It’s all bodies to us! Oh, Richardson, why are you making us so introspective on a Monday? It’s one thing to drop this on Friday, but now? When we have four full days of porn curation to get through? That’s rough. You’re lucky we still love you.

· In all seriousness, you should watch this video: “Next” (richardsonmag.com)

Everybody craves that stuff, it’s human nature, and although we don’t know much about the good people who work at Richardson, we know that they have a better grip on the appetitive parts of the mind than your pituitary gland. So, once again, they’ve forged a chaotic sword of sex and ‘splosions so they might slice through the boredom of your day. Watch and appreciate.

If the flavor of this video seems familiar to you, that’s because this video–titled “After School Special”–is the spiritual successor to one of their earlier mixes, “1,2,3,5,0,9,GO.” What bonds the two videos? They both show you what the world looks like to horny teenagers. Good luck with that!

· Watch the video at Richardson Magazine (richardsonmag.com)

Alyce (Jade Dornfeld) has been having a rough time lately–like, she’s haunted by the guilt of accidentally knocking her best friend off a roof, that kind of a rough time–so we can understand if she needs to stay inside and lose her brain in the television. However, we worry about her frantically masturbating to CNN and C-SPAN and whatever other broadcast atrocities she’s picked up; she’s not aware that she’s sitting way too close to the TV!

She’s going to strain her nipples at that distance! And then she’ll never want to have sex with a human ever again. You think we’re joking, but look what happens with “stud cakes” over there. Alyce has tasted the fury of a fiberoptic fuck and she’ll never be the same. It’s called a boob tube for a reason, girl!

· “Alyce” (imdb.com)

Sure, Fleshlight has the Fleshlight Girls, but Tenga has a new line that’s branded with the works of Keith Haring. You know, for those who like to mix their appreciation of the art of masturbation with their appreciation of, uh, art. Dying to know what it’s like to fap with a Haring work? Never fear: our friends at Animal New York investigated for you. (Animal New York)

The legendary Wicked contract girl and Juliland’s jGrrl of June, Alektra Blue, loves putting on a show for her fans. So, with the right lighting, a camera man from Popporn, and the help of the brilliant and absurdly well-endowed Spock Buckton, Alektra is going to get her freak on, off, on, off, and so on until something big happens. What could the happening be? We assure you it’s sexy and in no way validates our tagging this WTF.

Aren’t they adorable? Don’t you just want to eat those Popporn guys up with a side of truffle fries? Don’t you just want to buy Alektra Blue’s Real Doll and recreate this carnage in the comfort of your own home? We certainly do!

· A LIVE SEX SHOW! (popporn.com)

If you’re sexually open minded (and, as a reader of this site, I’m sure you are), you probably have a sex toy or two (or couple hundred) lying around the house, and you’re probably quite proud of this fact. Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean you want everyone and their mother (or your mother) to see your sex toys–and you might be in the market for something that discreetly disguises them, while still keeping them easily in reach. Enter L’Intimate.

What is L’Intimate, you ask? Why friends: it’s a lint roller. If that doesn’t sound sexy, that’s okay: it’s not supposed to be. The sexy part is what lies within L’Intimate. For once you slide off the roll of sticky paper, and press two small tabs, what once appeared to be just an ordinary lint roller is now revealed to be a secret compartment…one containing a vibrator (or, let’s be real, anything else you want to hide in there).

The L’Intimate I was sent came packaged with the DocJohnson Velvet Touch 7″ vibrator, which is basically a Slimline vibe…and thus not a vibe that I am interested in (full disclosure: I didn’t even test this one out, cause if you’ve tested one, you’ve tested them all). And though the press materials that came with the L’Intimate suggested that it was compatible with numerous vibrators, as I scanned the list I realized that they were all pretty much just some variation on the Slimline vibe. You could probably get away with discreetly tucking a smaller vibe inside the L’Intimate interior, but don’t expect this to hide, say, your Hitachi Magic Wand or favorite Rabbit.

But Lux, you’re probably thinking now: you still haven’t answered the most important question of all! Don’t worry, friends, I was saving the best for last. As the owner of a very heavily shedding cat, I’ve invested quite a bit of money in lint rollers, so I know a good one when I see one. The L’Intimate? Well, it’s pretty middle of the road: your basic sticky sheet lint roller, which’ll probably get most of the lint/pet hair/whatever off your clothes…but might require a few sheets.

So: a decent lint roller that’s capable of hiding certain vibrators and other intimate secrets. Given that the L’Intimate alone is only $11 (with a vibrator, it ranges from $28-$35), it’s not that bad a deal. At the end of the day, it really comes down to this: is it weirder for your friends to see the vibrator by your bed…or the lint roller?

· Buy L’Intimate (misschivus.com)