Strippers hanging out with thugs, criminals spending their free time in strip clubs, private dances turning into assassinations: these are classic tropes of the modern crime film. We’re so used to seeing fake breasts and angry, muscly men next to each other that we’re surprised no one’s saved time and made a movie about a bodybuilding stripper mob. But spanking? That’s a fresh treat.

It’s a cycle that just makes sense. Although, to be fair, Debbie never actually makes it to Dallas in the flick. But it’s no matter, because we still found plenty of cause for the saucy self-doing. The BJs! The bush! The enthusiastic doggystyle, missionary, and cowgirl (appropriate) deep-dicking! It’s a rich and colorful tapestry of boning, we tell ya.

Poor Sammy Smalls (Cristin Milioti) has a crush on a boy who thinks she’s too immature and sexually inexperienced to date. Sammy, don’t listen to that nonsense. You just take your grandma, hit the nearest pool, and go for a naked swim. The water finds you wise, womanly, and sexy as hell. We are inclined to agree with it.

Together! And even if you’ve whacked off together dozens, scores of times, each trip to the fabled land of come-town is a different adventure — a bold, brash, beautiful journey. And its terminus is a hell of a lot funner than a trip to grandma’s. At least we think. Depending on the grandma. Yeah.

Are you excited about the new season of “Arrested Development” hitting Netflix this weekend? So are we! The show has everything: great writing, brilliant pacing, running gag after running gag, and loads of gorgeous actresses we love to ogle. The fact that “Arrested Development” is full of hotties is often overlooked, but here we are, looking at that fact, telling you where to find their boobs.

Yeah, people are all creaming themselves like crazy over the new Xbox Kinect, and sure, the new and improved sensing capabilities are pretty impressive. But we’ve been (literally) creaming ourselves over interactives for years — all thanks to the endless well that is POV porn.

It’s too damn hot in New York right now, and we have to stay in the office with our broken air conditioner. Where would we rather be? The park. The forest. We long to be outside, frolicking in the fresh air, until we come across a group of babes picnicking in the nude. This is our dream of the moment.

If there’s one thing we like, it’s a saucy MILF. If there’s one thing we like even better, it’s two of them! This isn’t the first time we’ve seen these mega-MILFs together — but it looks like they’ve perfected their relationship by way of sexy makeouts, tasty fingerbangs, and lapping upon giant, MILFy tits. It’s a beautiful affair.

No, you’re not still dreaming, that is indeed a young Russell Crowe. And if you’re thinking of the Danielle Spencer who played Dee Thomas in “What’s Happening!!” back in the day, you’re thinking of the wrong Danielle Spencer. You need to get your head on straight. It’s Wednesday and there are Australians having sex right in front of you.

There’s nary a thing like it — especially barebacked inside a babe. Now that’s a good jizz. It’s the kind of jizz that’s akin to eating dessert first, to diving in the deep-end, to dancing ’til the sun comes up. It just may be the greatest kind of jizz there is! Although we won’t hold ourselves to such blanket statements. We will verify that we’re really into it, though. (But what aren’t we into, really?).

Maybe it’s because we’ve got open-air banging on the brain, but if we were this hottie fucking couple, we’d throw open the shutters and let the cool night air waft over our writhing, reverse cowgirling bodies. It adds a bit of dusky, twilight romance to the whole encounter.

We’re quickly careening into summertime and with its sunny skies and warm breezes come a parade of picnics, pool parties, barbecues, patio drinking, and — for those adventurous friends among us — plenty of outdoor boning! So grab yourself a bratwurst and a keg beer and witness the beauty of nature in its full, full glory.

How does that sound to you? Good? Great? Like something you wrote about in your diary and are both upset and relieved that someone else brought it to life first? And if that’s not enough, you can also see Sylvia in the bath and lovingly sucking her big toe!

Kink is giving it a whirl here in this depraved pool hall with an amped-up James Deen and crowd of rowdy spectators. But that Dana’s insatiable! Even with an ass fulla Deen cock and a mouth and pussy full of probing hands, she still wants more. And that’s why we love her.

Three friends go on a camping trip on a small, uninhabited island, but they let petty squabbles flare up and they bicker furiously. Then three unhinged soldiers attack them. Do they flee in fear? Yes, at first. But once they swim a freezing lake, strip their clothes off, and huddle together for warmth, they turn into warriors.

The happiest place on earth for any gal is probably wherever her Magic Wand happens to be. It certainly seems to have brought a smile to this babe’s face. Or at least an open-mouthed orgasmic moan as she fingers herself. Both work. Jumping upon a Magic Wand is basically the equivalent of zooming around Space Mountain, we think, although we’ve actually never been on the thing ourself. We can only imagine the rush, the thrill, the ups, the downs, the sheer and spectacular joy are sort of on par. Now if only there were a way to sneak a Wand onto the aforementioned coaster — although we don’t know if a body could even handle that kind of bliss. Worth a shot (but, uh, without any of those pesky kid things around).

What’s a Sienna Miller? It’s a pair of boobs lying back on the bed. Don’t you know from poker? It’s definitely a rare hand–the last time we encountered Sienna was two years ago–but it’s an unforgettable one and powerful to boot! Them tits bring the chips.

Near any BJ is a good one in our book, but we truly appreciate a body getting clever with them. This lady is treating this dick to a nice Cirque du Soleil of blow technique, and it’s got us wanting to pull off some acrobatics of our own.

Sex in the back of a car? Check. Steamed up windows? Check (way to complete your “Titanic” fantasies, too). Interrupted by friends? You betcha. Only one person orgasms? Yes! You did it! You’re officially ready to be an adult now; stress about auto insurance will prevent you from ever again fucking in the backseat.

What is sex like for a sleepwalker? We’re not talking about sexsomnia, which we’ve seen in hyper-stylized action. Is there a chance that Maria Yasnaya here could be eaten out so well that she falls asleep and awakes in an orgasmic trance? Has that ever happened to you?