We may be slightly out of touch with the whippersnappers of here and now — do people still like Biebs? — but we can think of some activities that are timeless, transcending age, era, class, and creed. So gather round, teens (we’re talking about the 18+ ones, of course) and let us show you what we mean. It involves sensual massage and vibrators — two things that never go out of style.

These are some interesting MILFy matrons we’ve got on our hands. When they catch their naughty teen daughters sneaking boyfriends into the house, instead of lording their craftiness and omniscience, they enthusiastically jump into the action! They should take this style of parenting to the next PTA meeting, right?

Ah, teenhood. When everything is fresh and new, sex is a wild frontier to be explored, removed from any impending emotional baggage. It’s all about achieving unfamiliar sensations, bodily experiences that shoot one’s psyche into the stars. Oh, we can almost feel the first hot breath of another’s mouth upon our own, the rushing gasp of the first time one explored our formerly private spaces, the warming blush of our first facial…

We just have to say; porn, we fucking love you. In what other genre would an entire project be focused around acting out a sexual euphemism/double entendre/visual pun?

There is just something so delicious about a cock pumping in and out of a hairy bush. We’re putting our reporter caps on and screwing up our foreheads and getting to the bottom of this. Don’t get us wrong, we are stauch feminists who love bald pussies – they’re more sensitive and you can see more pink juiciness. But we love damp pussy hair, and we love pulling on it and making the owners of said hair squeal and we love petting it like it’s a nice furry kitty cat.

We all want to belong to something–a family, a movement, a religion–but sometimes it’s hard to figure out one’s place in the world. For example, where do all the big dicks go? Should they stand proudly in the wind with the flagpoles? Must they be chained up with the guns in the barracks? No, they belong to the cuties, and the cuties belong to them.

It’s hard to get the federal government to put money on any big projects these days, but we’re sure this documentary thinly-disguised as a porno will make people all over the world wake up and realize the importance of protecting some pristine land and allowing the “Untamed Teens” to run wild upon it.

A year ago, New Sensations announced that it would be taking its smut in a new direction, and the original “Innocence of Youth” introduced us to the sleek, sensual style that Eddie Powell continued rocking all 2012 long. It’s a new year, does that mean New Sensations will pull out a new look? Heck naw; why would they mess with such predatory perfection?

Say what you will about the pharmaceutical epidemic affecting America today, but we think all those study drugs have done wonderful things for the energy and morale of the youngsters. All over the country, eighteen year-olds like Staci Silverstone are getting done with SATs and college application essays so quickly that they have ample free time to work on cramming fat dicks down their throats.

Yep, take it from New Sensations: when a woman hears a statement applied to her solely based on her age, gender, or looks, her panties get instantly soaked. She can’t help it! It’s hardwired into her brain. Just trying screaming “Young Girls Love Sex” at the top of your lungs in a crowded mall and see if you don’t get at least five blow-J’s.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been watching a three-day marathon of electroshock bondage porn and you see Hitachi Magic Wand lightning rods whenever you close your eyes, you always have room for naughty cheerleaders. They’re the Jello of porn tropes: easy to make, fun to eat, and they jiggle in your mouth.

It’s no surprise we love a generous helping of sleaze around these parts (Actually, could we get seconds on our sleaze please? This plate is looking a little dry…). And when we watched this clip of a lady who gives a young innocent runaway girl a sponge bath, even we were like Whoa. We only aspire in our wildest dreams to be able to pull off that level of serious sleaze when we grow up.

Oh, cuteness, here we are again: you with your thigh-high socks and brightly colored bedspreads, us with our predatory instincts and a need to spread your thighs apart. What are we doing? Why do we play these games? We know you’re secretly nasty. It’s not much of a secret; this is porn.

Some people say that children are the future, and we heartily disagree with them. Barely legal belles who dress up in Catholic schoolgirl uniforms are the future, for they remind us that life is about learning, and even when you’re done with formal schooling, you’re constantly taking in new information and growing as a person. Step one for growing as a person: put on a schoolgirl uniform.

Good Morning America watchers were treated to a glimpse of Demi Lovato’s black panties – and, it must be said, totally bangin thighs – during a Central Park performance.

Students these days are stressing so hard that they end up with OCD and ADHD and other wack acronyms weighing their brains down, and we think someone needs to tell them, “Yo, youths between the ages of eighteen and twenty-six, you should skip school today and have a lot of anal sex with Mark Ashley. You will learn nothing save for the unique joys that come from awakening the delicate nerves of your ass.”

When it comes to age-based niches of the porn industry, there are really only two options: teen and cougar (or MILF). We’ve discussed the possibility of a middle stage between the two extremes, but that’s not what we’re here for right now. Today we’re going to spend some time thinking about the youth, the tropes of blossoming libidos, and how a performer’s age pretty much has nothing to do with being labelled a horny teen.

We don’t always have time to sit down, have a good breakfast, and prepare the brain and body for the day, but the next best thing has to be nourishing your self-esteem with a long, sensual rub down. Do what Maria Valverde does: lie in bed, grab a mirror, and rediscover yourself with your hands.

The raw power, the near-sadistic control, and the absurd yet alluring gothic lolita outfits of “The Innocence of Youth” make it one of our favorite porn films. We wrote about that thing three separate times! And we’re so stoked about the sequel’s arrival that we’re giving you a bunch of photos and the trailer. You know you’re excited.

We love the idea of someone being “Innocent But Nasty.” Not only is this a refreshingly direct title for a teen-centric porn film, but it also suggests that nastiness is part of nature; these girls are freaky in ways that can’t be learned from their peers or magazines, and we hope that they never lose this perverted purity.