Wanna keep someone's mouth busy?
I cut cable years ago, so it's always surprising to me to discover that cable television is still ridiculously profitable. So profitable, in fact, that according to Deadline Hollywood they lead the industry in profitability. I think there's one simple reason for that too... Bewbs.
We'd rather not live at all than live in a world where nudity was censored from our broadcast entertainment, but that's just what the cable station Syfy has in mind when it will air the nudity-laden "Spartacus" minus the nudity, which will just leave us laden.
Ah, yes, Gannicus and Sibyl, proof that true love can flourish in the middle of a revolution, banging it out one last time before the big battle. We've always been told that you shouldn't have sex before any great trial of physical exertion, but when the stakes are this high, you can't not do it.
A young prostitute (T. Ann Robson) is upset because her friend was murdered by Tiberius, but Caesar brings good news: he sent Tiberius out to meet up with Pompey, knowing full well it's really a trap set up by Spartacus and the rebels! And if that doesn't dry the girl's eyes, then perhaps banging Caesar will do the trick. There's a reason his men all call him "Sleazer."
Things that we've learned about "Spartacus: War of the Damned" during the last episode: First, if Romans and rebels could all screw like this, the war would be over. Secondly, your sexiness is equivalent to the amount of wild reed instruments that flare over your humping. Listen to the crazy-ass oboes and clarinets that go bananas over this sex scene!
Sex in the snow is awesome on so many levels. It's simultaneously the most nature-embracing and the most nature-defying act, and though it wouldn't be that hard for any of us to go do it, the circumstances would be totally different. We'd be banging it up in a cocoon of Gore-Tex; Gannicus and Sibyl, however, do it on furs. They do it properly.
In addition to some sultry bathing and the opening chords of a radical threesome, last week's episode of "Spartacus: War of the Damned" gave us our new favorite way to introduce people. "This is Canthara: born east of the Nile, but do not judge her for it." We're sure this means something specific to Romans, but to us, it just sounds like she came from the side of the river with more pleasant mosquitos.
We sometimes forget that Kore (Jenna Lind) is Marcus Crassus's "loyal body slave" and not, you know, someone that he had to court and date and smooth talk. He never had to meet her parents and discuss Roman politics and sports, he never gets in trouble for forgetting their anniversary, he doesn't know what her birthstone is. Their relationship is "Here I am, there you are, these are our bodies." Seems kinda nice, you know?
History remembers the Roman Empire as a generally naughty section of the spacetime continuum, and whether or not that's an accurate assessment, Starz is more than down to promote that image. Do you think these characters feel the same? Or are they tired of their prudish friends chastising them for feeling up titties in the middle of the street?
We remember the days when having sex with a gladiator was a big deal, and though Lucy Lawless did it every chance she got, she had a whole system to keep it hush-hush. Now, look at Ellen Hollman: she gets naked in a second, jumps up in those dirty arms, and just like that, she's let him into her arena. Some people!
Sometimes a show has nudity, but only about five seconds of it, and so horny clip rippers will stretch those five seconds out with some slo-mo action. We thought we'd have to do that with this clip of Jenna Lind from "Spartacus: War of the Damned," but it seems that Starz beat us to the punch. They show her boobs, and then they show them again--slowly.
If it's January, it must be time for the latest installment of "Spartacus"--and it is! In this case, it's "Spartacus: War of the Damned," which tells the tale of Spartacus's war (of the damned) against Rome. And just like every other version of "Spartacus," it makes plenty of time for historically nudity, group sex scenes, and cursing (they totally said "fuck" back in those days, guys).
Ugh, look, it's Glaber. We hate that guy. He's the one responsible for enslaving Spartacus, he's trying to put down the revolt, he had Seppius executed in order to get closer to his sister, Seppia, and now he's sent his pregnant wife away so he can have crazy sex with Seppia all the time. He's such a nasty little weasel! We're so angry that watching him bang Seppia is so awesome!
Then again, pretty much everyone in "Spartacus: Vengeance" is some form of jerk, so everybody's having the sex. In this case, we're talking about Glaber, who bid farewell to his pregnant wife and then promptly hopped into bed with the sister of the man he executed for talking about the slave rebellion. There are so many layers of jerkdom there.
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