Strippers hanging out with thugs, criminals spending their free time in strip clubs, private dances turning into assassinations: these are classic tropes of the modern crime film. We’re so used to seeing fake breasts and angry, muscly men next to each other that we’re surprised no one’s saved time and made a movie about a bodybuilding stripper mob. But spanking? That’s a fresh treat.

We are really into the subgenre of porn that involves oiling up juicy asses and making them bounce around before fucking. Booty bouncing is totally the new lava lamp. We just wanna watch wet butts jiggle enthusiastically all evening to unwind.

We know you’ve been naughty, dear readers. What? Looking so innocent? Come on; think down, deep down. Surely you recall some teeny, tiny little dastardly deed or mild atrocity you’ve perpetrated of late. And, well, we’re gonna punish the hell outta you for it! Or at least this sweet ass by proxy. You deserve it. But even if you don’t, isn’t it still sorta fun?

Ah, spanking — we look at it as sort of a gateway drug for BDSM. Before diving into your sensory-deprivation tank laden with masks and clamps, latex and gags, why not dip your toes in with a couple harmless (or not…) smacks? Because sometimes being naughty earns its just and walloping rewards. And sometimes those rewards make you want to cream yourself.

So we appreciate this panorama of beautiful body we’re treated to by some careful camera maneuvering. How our heart swells with joy as her tits swing into frame! From the front, to the side, to the back, it’s all bountiful boobie glory. We’re so happy we could just spank something! That’s a quite common reaction, you know.

The thing that is funny to us about kinky movies and novels these days is they all seem to exist in a world in which people are shocked by blindfolds and threesomes and feather ticklers. No matter, it’s all stuff we love, so the characters can be shocked and we’ll just be turned on!

We understand that’s how these things normally work, but we’ve been doing so much good work today, really keeping our nose to the grindstone, and we feel we deserve a little reward. We could get a gold medal hanging from a pretty ribbon — but we’d probably want to be choked out a bit with it. And if we got a certificate, we’d frame it then just use it to spank ourselves with anyway. So, we may as well forego the formalities and go right to the spank ‘n’ chokin’. What a pleasant cap for a day’s work done, right?

But perhaps that’s just in response to our recent naughty streak. This time, though, we think we’d rather team up with the dude in charge (if he’d dare let us!). We mean, take a gander at this lady’s breathtaking ass. If we’ve ever seen a booty that’s begging for a smack, squeeze, and another spank more than this one, well… you can slap our mom and eat our hat. Or something like that.

We are always saying “It’s a shame you can’t spank yourself” but Madison Young is proving us so very wrong. Now we’re going to have to be more serious about practicing yoga so we can be all bendy and auto-kinky like Madame Young. Then we will also practice anal fisting ourselves and tying up our own legs as we ride a vibrator to orgasm, and then we’ll give M.Y. a run for her money in the kinky jill-off department (oh who are we kidding, M.Y. will always be the queen of outrageous masturbation role models).

One minute it’s smacking this sweet little chickie’s ass raw, and the next it’s bestowing it with a loving caress. We just don’t know what to believe — will it earn our trust through a sensual touch, only to betray it with a hefty wallop when we least expect? Well… it’s a good thing we like both those extremes, at least when it comes to leather gloves.

Let’s see, it’s 1964, and this is a former sanatorium turned into an insane asylum run by the Catholic church. The two ladies, Sarah Paulson and Lizzie Brochere (who we know to be horny but not friendly), are being forced to take steam baths, but they break out and have a friendly naked chat. Yeah, it’s hard to know how to feel about this flesh.

Insuh Yoon–the hands-on photographer who we officially love–kindly let us know that he has a bunch of new pictures up starring a beautiful nineteen year-old college student/chocolatier named Ellie. We knew the pictures would involve his hands roaming all over her, but we had no idea how sweet their professional courtship would be, nor how big of a crush we’d develop on Ellie.

Oh, but the catch is, the naughtiest girls like it. Teehee! You can see that mischievous glint in Ariel X’s eye… Sure, she may be bound to a bench with her hair and feet tied up to the ceiling, but all she can think about is the pleasant warming smack of a switch across her fine ass. Bad girl! But she likes it all so much, we’d be looking for any reason to punish her. If she was a minute late to work, or parked crooked in the spot, or even stole a cookie from the cookie jar — that’s it! The switch for you. But we’re sure she’d agree.

So here’s the deal: you get a camera, you get your partner, you film some form of slapping between you two–on the face, tits, ass, whatever–you send it to Richardson Magazine, and if they like it, you get a Daido Moriyama t-shirt signed by James Deen. Only in America!

“Close your eyes,” I said and he did. He lay back on the bed and shut them firmly, anticipating, always eager to obey when he knew I had something planned. I did have something planned, even if that plan had come together in the space of five minutes in the next room, rooting through The Drawers for kink and kit.

Spanking often ends up being an afterthought in porn, and that’s why we’re thrilled about this video that is just a long excellent shot of a good sound over the knee hand spanking. We love staring at fine juicy asses, and we love seeing them slowly color. That combined with the moans, squeals, and romantic giggles makes us melt and reach for the phone to tell someone we’ve been very naughty ourselves!

It may seem strange to have a Coca-Cola sanctioned sex dungeon, but while one’s getting hardcore spanked and fisted deep within its recesses, it’s nice to know a refreshing, icy cola is just a vending machine away!

Come paddle, switch, or cat o’ nine tails, certain asses just beg for a little larruping. Hell, even a hand will do in a pinch. But the best implement of all might be your pelvis smacking against that fine specimen of ass as you take it from behind.