Once again, your gal pals have stuck you with the burden of planning a bridal shower and everybody wants something different. One girl is gluten-free, two are vegan, and there’s that one who won’t give up the damn Atkins diet. What will you serve? Don’t worry about it: Rico Strong, Lexington Steele, Prince Yahshua, and Jon Jon have you covered (in jizz).

Why is massage porn so popular these days? We waxed pornographic about it a few days ago when we previewed “Erotic Massage Stories,” but we didn’t really get to the heart of the matter. We’re all extremely tense these days! Nobody gets enough sleep, nobody keeps an eye on their posture, and all we want from the world is somebody who will unlock all the knots in our backs and then bang us senseless.

Skin Diamond. Ana Foxxx. Leilani Leeane. These three ladies could really be doing anything together and we’d probably plotz. Even if they were, you know, doing some light housework, jumping double dutch, or helping each other with math homework we’d probably plotz. Lord only knows what would happen if they were tandem-licking our cock! Although, we guess we’d probably come. That seems like it would be the appropriate reaction. But who knows? These chicks make people do crazy things. We might climb the ceilings and do some backflips or other things we’ve never done. They just bring it out of you.

You can act all cool and distant if you want, but you know you’re dying to see the new all-Remy extravaganza. She’s under your skin, she’s hula hooping and dick handling and doing all of the things she’s good at, except this time she’s doing it bigger than before. We’re talking gangbang, girlbang, Skin Diamond bang, all manners of bang!

We felt the need to explicitly include “professional” in today’s Top Ten roundup because — well, we’re not saying amateurs can’t aspire to these moves, these consummate professional mannerisms, but… there’s a reason these ladies are the creamiest of the crop. Dexterous dick-wranglers, all, and we think everyone could stand to take a step back and watch the masters at work. Tori, Skin, Jasmine, Charley and pals — show us how it’s done.

Maybe, just maybe, closeup images of aroused engorged plump dripping wet pulsating and cumming cunts will help people understand how to please them better, and how fucking totally unbelievably awesome we can’t even fucking stand it they are.

That Skin Diamond is one stellar student. She can rattle off country capitals, solve trigonometric equations, win the spelling bee, and recite the first canto of Dante’s Inferno all while straddling the teacher and showing his cock a thing or two. She can be in charge of Prom Committee, go out for glee club, edit the school newspaper, and paint murals for senior week with a dick in one hand and sparkly paint pen in the other.

Some may believe that humor and sex are mutually exclusive — but we think the two go hand in hand (or wherever the case may be) quite nicely. Parody porn may get us in a special way because at its outset, we’re taken into a world of lighthearted frivolity and jokes. But then it all gets subverted as perversity seeps in. Sometimes dipping your toes in the water first makes for a more sensual experience than diving right in!

We know these people are good at fucking, but what other nifty talents are they hiding? We worked up the gumption to ask them right in their pretty faces when we went to AEE, and we got some fascinating responses. For example, Skin Diamond likes to sing, but she won’t do it in public: “My asshole’s all over the internet but I’m too shy to sing in front of people.”

It’s cool that we have a “Mother Lover’s Society” in this country, but has anybody ever stopped to figure out what their tenets are? Or why there are now eight distinct units currently operating without any apparent central organization? Could it be that the “Mother” is the Motherland and “Society” is an allusion to socialism? We’re just saying Skin Diamond eats pussy like a Soviet agent, that’s all.

You ever hear those stories about moms suddenly having the strength to lift huge cars in order to save their kids? That pretty much sums up the wonderful anus Skin Diamond was blessed with.

So at AEE, Fleshbot decided to do some serious investigating with our favorite pornstar paramours and proposed a question — out of all the folks in the biz, past and present, whether you’ve already stuck it to ‘em on set or just wish to — who brings a smile to your face and a fire to your loins? Like, who you mega-crushin’ on? Some answers were straightforward, others more a surprise, but one thing’s for sure: Porntopia is one big, beautiful, sleazy fucking family.

I have always been confused by Elegant Angel’s choice to release its “Performers of the Year” for the current year in January. It’s not like the 2013 Honda CR-V, in which the aerodynamic and sporty XUV is new for that model year; “Performers of the Year” implies that the rest of the year is cake, and these ladies have already won.

Low energy? Feeling depressed? Why not try an exercise regimen that doesn’t lose fat, but instead accentuates it by making it bounce around joyfully? You need ass clapping in your life, and we have ten hot pornstars here to show you how it’s done. Loosen your legs up and play along at home!

Now that the two major American adult expositions are held a week away from each other, and the same group of people feels compelled to go to both, and no one gets any sleep, we thought we’d combine some lovely candid shots from both events.

Lee Roy Myers is a director, a visionary, an entrepreneur, and now a demon that haunts your memories of beloved Nickelodeon cartoons. He cast Anthony Rosano as SpongeKnob, made Skin Diamond into Sandy, let the squirrel slobber all over those SquareNuts, and then put it on Woodrocket for free! He’s easily the friendliest and most generous demon we’ve ever met.

We can’t think of a better way to kick off our 2013 Adult Entertainment Expo coverage than with a quick word from our Crush Object of the Year, Skin Diamond. Call us narcissistic, but we had to find out if this goddess was aware of how much we love her. Good news: she totally is, and she’s touched by it!

Where would society be without girls kissing girls? Probably nowhere good, probably still in the Dark Ages. People credit modern civilization to a lot of different things–agriculture, social contracts, alcohol–but we know in our heart of hearts that the tender lip-lock of two babes is the only thing that drives humanity forward.