The unspoken ladder of pornographic intensity states that girl-girl more hardcore than solo, boy-girl is harder than girl-girl, an so on and so forth. Interracial sex and double penetration used to be sitting pretty at the top of the heap, but now there’s a new way to play and every adult actress on the block is sure to be counting down the days until she finally has her first “Double Black Penetration.”

I’ve been watching porn for almost thirty years (yeah, yeah…LOL). That means I’ve watched porn over several variations of what’s hot at the time. I’ve gotta tell you, though – most of my “go-to” porn is pretty classic stuff. Most of the people who are on my list are either retired or nonexistent, which makes me sad because I’ll never get the chance to play with them on camera. Sigh.

Once you’ve seen one wife berate her husband while riding a big black cock, you’ve seen them all, right? Wrong. Cuckoldry isn’t only about the physical intimacy between two and a half people, it’s about the circumstances that bring them together and keep them there, watching each other as holes are explored and vows are bent in the name of sexual freedom. Today’s scenarios involve golf, penis pills, and a lack of self control!

The thing that we love most about creampie porn is the way it makes you feel about intercourse. It’s as if every moment Prince Yahshua’s penis exists outside of Cindy Starfall’s body is a wasted moment; we’re pretty sure that’s how Prince feels on the regular.

Perhaps the “Anal Overload” is finally getting to Claire. “Run that cock between those huge big tits,” she says as Sean Michaels jabs at her neck with his dick. “Yeah, oh yeah. Imagine that’s my fucking asshole right now.”

It’s important to always show respect to the “Orgy Masters,” but you need to be aware of how hard you’re genuflecting and what it says to others. If you’re trying to say, “Hey, what’s up?” then a simple bow from the waist will do; if you get on your knees at any point, you’re going to end up with someone’s genitals in your mouth.

What is Jules Jordan trying to say here? We ask because it seems like they’re implying that you can be overburdened by butt sex, and we’ve never felt that before. Never have we said, “That’s enough gaping jizz-filled assholes for one day!” but perhaps we haven’t allowed ourselves to freely gorge on such visions. Can one reach a limit of anal enjoyment? There’s only one way to find out.

Whichever eyewear company Sean Michaels uses, they should send him some cash.

We love us some big beautiful women. And while the industry has a way to go before it gives the right screen time to ladies of all sizes, in the meantime we’ll take super-hot movies like this one. It seems to err on the side of worshipping instead of demeaning its models, which is a step in the right direction. Plus, all of the babes are totally fierce and horny and gorgeous, especially Kelly Shibari, and Betty Blac. And it features the insta-classic line; “Well, when she got down on her knees and started worshipping my pussy, I think that was a dead giveaway.”

When someone uses the phrase “racially motivated,” it’s usually for something bad. Like, no one ever feels racially motivated to hold the door open at the bank, and you never hear about a Chinese buffet being racially motivated to host a super cheap early bird special, it’s always crime that gets the epithet. Fortunately, Jules Jordan, Mike John, and a Benetton ad’s worth of pornstars are here to change that.

We don’t know what it is about Sean Michaels and rulers, but the guy seems to enjoy knowing the exact dimensions of the asses in which he sticks his dick. Maybe it’s a part of his “Daddy Knows Best” persona, or maybe he knows something we don’t. What if butt measuring is the hot new jam that’s taking the porn industry by storm? We’d be so embarrassed. We haven’t measured any butts.

We think it’s sweet of Jules Jordan to try and cure boobaholism by bombarding addicts with rack after back-tiring rack, but we feel like they’re not really helping. They ought to accompany every image of giant boobs with a loud buzz or an electric shock, something to draw negative connections to these tig ol’ bitties, but no, that’s not how they do it. You’d think these people would know how classical conditioning works!

You see this all the time. “If there’s a lack of sexual intimacy between the parents,” teacher Sean Michaels explains to Jason’s mom and dad, “the kid can grow up to be antisocial.”

Everybody wants a butt with bounce and a yoni that does yoga, but people often overlook the awesomeness of a sphincter that’ll snap back on your thumb like a mad rubber band. Leilani Leeane knows how to train her tuchus for tightness, and now she doesn’t even bother with a wallet; she keeps fatty rolls of cash neatly organized in her ass. If we might quote the poet Mase, Leilani is “young, black, and famous with money hangin’ out the anus.”

We spend a lot of time talking about porn performers and crediting them for their spectacular scenes, and we realize that we ought to give some love to porn directors–we may not see them sweat, but we know that they’re running the show, keeping things organized, and finding the best possible ways to deliver the dirty goods that we crave. With that in mind, we decided to get in touch with one of our favorite people in the adult industry: the legendary pornstar/director and all-around master of smoothness, Sean Michaels.

Jules Jordan is giving you a look at the basic building blocks of everything in creation! And no, we’re not talking about all the jizz that flies around; although, yes, there is a lot of it and it’s pretty important.

You know how sometimes you’re shooting solo hoops at your best buddy’s house and his hot but neglected wife starts catering to your schlong through your shorts? Neither do we, so “Evil Cuckold 4″ is not porn but anthropology.

Cuckolding–like Sean Michaels’s cock–is large, complicated, and on Julia Ann’s mind. Fortunately, cuckolding porn is simple: cougars have wants and needs that can’t be fulfilled by thin-dicked men, and that is how it shall be for all eternity.

Ladies love Sean Michaels because of course they do. He’s a looker, a smooth talker, and according to “Daddy Knows Best,” he’s both father and professor to a handful of lucky, horny, big booty-having females. First and foremost, we’d like to point out that the chalkboard behind Sean Michaels reads: