We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking those clips of Pihla Viitala from “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” and “Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre” were great, but they weren’t enough to quench your thirst for this foxy Finnish babe. You know how we know what you’re thinking? We’re thinking the same damn thing.

Call us picky if you must, but we’ve decided that from now on, we’re not watching any movie unless there’s an orgasm–preferably a breathy and sexy one, but we’ll also accept heavy grunt-laden ones–by the time the opening credits are done. “Soldier’s Decameron” has shown us the light, and we’re not going back into the sexless dark.

First of all, we’re sorry for reminding you of Kevin Federline at a time when you’ve probably completely forgotten about him. Secondly, we’re not saying this woman is dating K. Fed (as far as we know). The connection between them is that her name is Julia Popazova, and Federline has a song called “Popozao,” which means “big ass,” and Julia has a rather nice and plump posterior!

Lubov Novikova (her name means “love”) is a gorgeous petite Russian actress and she is sexing it up all over the place in this film right here. In the bed, against the wall, on the floor, stuck in traffic: everywhere. Unfortunately, her partner doesn’t seem as enthusiastic as she is, but we guess that’s the way it always is with relationships produced by magical manuscripts.

Perhaps this sort of video is a bit jarring for the first post of the day (“Good morning! You’re going to fall to your doom!”), but we swear it’s actually a hot clip before the peril shows up. Silent screwing, lips smeared against glass, hands kneading sweaty flesh: it’s all good stuff, and only seems to go sour at the very last second.

The world has seen the last of Russian babe-duo t.A.T.u, but Lena Katina is still finding ways to make our hearts sing. Maxim Russia recently took some pics of Lena wearing translucent lingerie and being sprayed with water because, well, those things go awesomely together. Plus, we choose to believe that the drippiness is a subtle homage to the drenched schoolgirl uniforms in the “All the Things She Said” music video.

What a coincidence, so does Maxima, the Russian communications corporation/internet provider! To be fair, we don’t think they forced any of their employees to pose naked in this 2013 calendar. We also don’t think the employees came up with the themes used in the pics, and we say this because some of the themes are, well, discomforting.

Mmhmm, we’re feeling this. We’re feeling this like a time machine just backed that ass up and plopped us down at some nasty New York Fashion Week after-afterparty where everyone is too gorgeous and glamorous and naked to be anything other than horizontal. The stereo is playing… crap, what did people listen to back then? Usher and Savage Garden? This picture is like a combination of all their songs.

Believe it or not, some people don’t want to wake up and find Darya Melnikova totally naked on top of them as she smooches their cheek and fingers their mouth hole. It doesn’t make any sense to us, but then again, we might be missing some uncomfortable master-protege (really, father-daughter) relationship dynamics that harken back to “Leon: The Professional.”

Golly, what can we possibly say about the decades upon decades of beautiful nude photography collected in this one issue of Vogue Russia? They win. That’s about it; they win the magazine game. We expected to see some great pictures by Helmut Newton, Richard Avedon, and Bruce Weber, but we didn’t expect to see a dozen more amazing names here and pictures that go back to 1934!

But where is this bridge going? What does it go over? Who is allowed to traverse it, and will there be trolls trying to stop them? We always ask about trolls before crossing someone’s bridge; that’s safe sex, yo.

You see, times likes these, we wish the Cold War was still going on. Then we could say that Allie Haze’s appearance in the Russian GQ shows that our world is growing closer, and that maybe the Cold War will soon be over thanks to this young American woman’s international message of love and nipples!

Sasha Swift, a bored 22-year-old Russian mail-order bride in “Anal Size My Wife 3,” is nearly incoherent with sexual frustration. Read on to see how much of the backstory (heh) we filled in.

And let it carry you — and all your clothes — away! We’ve been jonesing for some Eastern European babe for a bit, and Viktoria Bannikova fits the bill. She’s got a perfect, round little booty and big beautiful breasts to match. They grow ‘em well in Russia.

“Look at the sharks,” says director Mick Blue of the gang component set to bang 19-year-old Russian Ivana Sugar. But we get the impression that she is used to this sort of frenzied behavior.

If you put two people in a confined space for a long enough time, no matter how weirdly they behave towards each other, they’ll eventually have sex. Case in point: this guy interrupts Valda Bickute’s shower, scalds her with the water, creeps on her while she sleeps, and still gets to have sex with her. Humans: we do not understand them.

It’s one thing to have a few drinks before getting freaky on the couch, but it’s quite another thing to pour beer (or a can of gin?) down your boyfriend’s cock while you blow him. Girl, who you trying to impress? Us? It’s working. We hope none of you readers

We don’t know where the image of the opulent Russian came from—we don’t even know if it’s offensive to reference the image—but here’s some fresh material for the trope: a gorgeous young Russian wanking with a buzzing piece of gold. The smile is really what makes this clip. If she

Isn’t that how it always goes when you’re at home? (“Dom” means home, by the by.) You go back to your old place, the people you grew up with suddenly find you sexually attractive, you start fucking them in golden fields, you get groped in dark houses. What we’re saying

We think so, but there’s been some criticism that this editorial for Vogue Russia, shot by the esteemed Hedi Slimane, falls a bit flat for such an explosive pairing. There’s no denying that Arizona is absolutely gorgeous, though, and her opulent outfits are accessorized nicely by her nipples. Maybe it’s