When we think of the title “Porno Pranks,” we imagine someone getting spitroasted with a Kick Me sign on their back, or someone looking inside a gaping asshole just as plastic snakes fly out of it. What we don’t think of is Riley Steele and Jesse Jane having sex with guys and filming it without their consent.

Our couple spring days were but a tease, and New York City has been cast back into a blustery, rainy gray cold front (again). But you know what would be a great accessory for the storm? You guessed it! Riley Steele. She’s quite fashionable, very warm, and hangs on the frame much better than a limp old scarf. Plus, if you’re the sort of person with a dick, she’ll keep that nice and toasty for you. We can’t really see a downside here. Who needs sunshine when you’ve got Riley’s golden locks bouncing up and down in front of your face?

Carrie’s friends are obsessed with a certain pornstar they found online, Riley Steele, mainly because Riley and Carrie look alike, secondarily because watching Riley’s scenes seems to spice up everyone’s sex life. Rumors are quickly spreading about Carrie’s secret second job; how will she address these issues with her boyfriend?

We know what you’re thinking: “Didn’t we just see a Digital Playground movie about people trading significant others in order to satisfy some twisted bet last week?” You’re absolutely right, we did. Maybe somebody at Digital Playground is really itching to screw his best friend’s girlfriend. (Maybe everybody on Earth feels that way.)

Babes, guns, drugs, crime, cartels, kidnappers, and explosions: that’s what we need right about now, and Digital Playground is giving us precisely that with their latest film. Every year, they drop a big budget booty-shaking movie on us, and this time we’re getting a tale of foxy military mamas going to rescue a friend in need. You’ll be on the edge of your seat with your hands on your meat!

It’s always mating season in Porn Valley, and therefore the males of the species are constantly putting out displays of manliness that are designed to attract females and intimidate other males; one such practice is the act of stealing the undergarments of ladies after having sex with them. It’s time to put on your best David Attenborough voice, because we’re about to observe this ritual in action.

When we were young, we made halfhearted attempts to break our own arm just to get that awesome cast (and subsequent glory). But damn, even in our wiser and more experienced adult selves, we’d damn nigh throw ourselves off a roof to be treated by these nurses. It’s literally a hospital staff of our dreams: Jesse Jane, Kayden Kross, Riley Steele, & Selena Rose. One could help us get into our assless gown while another swabs us for a shot, another could put us in the stirrups and the other could smooth a cold compress across our fevered brow loins. We’d spit out our pills and kick off the sheets at night though, because we wouldn’t ever wanna check outta here!

Jesse Jane and Riley Steele may be on the side of the law in “Skip Trace 2,” but evil coke dealer Nacho Vidal has the most fun.

We wake up in the morning, start looking at porn, and we don’t stop until it’s after dark. So naturally, when we go home and get cozy, we need a way to detox and clear our minds. That’s when we turn to mainstream movies that have pornstars in them! What, you thought we were going off them cold turkey? It’d kill us.

Jesse Jane and Riley Steele are bounty hunters. Unfortunately, all we know about bounty hunting is what we’ve learned from “Domino,” “One for the Money,” and “Dog the Bounty Hunter,” so unless we see nunchucks and big blonde wigs and Katherine Heigl, we’ll have no idea what’s going on.

Jesse Jane is a lot of things–pornstar, flavored tequila pusher, one-woman parade float–but today she’s focusing all of her energy on helping couples get in touch with their deepest desires so they might be realized in a safe space. She’ll even let you borrow her ski mask!

The way we see it, installing a stripper pole in your home is a bit like bringing a Ouija board or tarot cards into the house. You’re going to have fun, maybe you’ll have a few laughs here and there, but eventually you’re going to open doors you never knew existed, and you may not like what’s on the other side. In this film, the mere presence of a stripper pole incites Riley Steele to bang everything in her path. See what we mean?

We can’t leave all the fun to Daft Punk, or even Kanye West. No, Riley Steele should get in on this too. We’re sure the lady has many notable and admirable strengths, but being able to jackrabbit the shit out of a dude’s cock is pretty compelling in our book. She seems to almost decimate her luxuriating couch-fellow, who’s helpless when faced with Riley’s remarkable power of full on body vibrating. It’s a force that almost frightens us — but just almost. So fuck those fancy massage chairs from Brookstone… We’d rather lean ourselves up against a shakin’ Riley Steele. All our tensions would melt away faster than an ice cream sandwich in the midday sun.

So you’re worried about your rent going up when you renew the lease, these things happen. All you need to do is put a little polite pressure on your landlord; have Jesse Jane press her breast against his thigh as she crawls across his lap, and not only will your rent stay the same, but you might even get free utilities!

Do you ever sit at home, idly wondering what it might be like to get your hands on (and in) the likes of Stoya, Jesse Jane, and Riley Steele? Don’t deny it: of course you do. We all do. Unfortunately, most of us won’t be able to experience those luscious ladies firsthand; but at least we can live vicariously through Kayden Kross, who’s banged all of the above–and is more than happy to tell tales out of class.

Well, this is a fantastic sight! Rebecca Blumhagen, out of breath, paralyzed by the orgasm that she so badly deserved. Everything else seems to be going down the tubes for her, but at least this moment is golden!

“The Girl’s Guide to Depravity” is full of surprises, and that’s one of the main reasons we love it. Last time it was, “Oh, golly! Justine Joli is teaching the ladies about sex via chakra!” and now it, “Yo, Cinemax: 1999 called and they want their awkwardly long ‘Matrix’-inspired sex scene back.”

We’re used to seeing them bang boys in the sense that they use them for sex and then bounce as soon as they come–as Alyse Zwick does in this episode–but we’re not so used to seeing someone put on a helmet and bang his head into the wall every time he thrusts into Rebecca Blumhagen. That’s definitely new.

Here’s yet another softcore treat from The Girl’s Guide To Depravity, featuring two banging neighbor babes. Only one of them happens to be Riley Steele… And Rebecca gives it her best effort to keep up.