We love the term “down there.” It’s always said with an italicized voice and a wave of the eyebrows, and no matter what position the speaker is in, you can instantly picture them hiding something sweet and sexy under the tablecloth and between their legs. Such graphic subtlety, you know? It’s a paradox of pubic relations.

I never met anyone like Riley Reid when I had to take a summer typing class at a junior college.

It’s April, and the eighteen year-old Catholic schoolgirls of America are anxiously counting down the days until they can get out of their uniforms and join reality. Why don’t you give them a hand? Let your cock be their beacon and your balls the standard bearers of the big wide world that awaits them!

You can act all cool and distant if you want, but you know you’re dying to see the new all-Remy extravaganza. She’s under your skin, she’s hula hooping and dick handling and doing all of the things she’s good at, except this time she’s doing it bigger than before. We’re talking gangbang, girlbang, Skin Diamond bang, all manners of bang!

We are so fucking stoked for this trend in porn where girls get discovered out riding their bikes and taken advantage of. And we’re always glad when the bike gets incorporated into the action as a fetish object, because what object do we love more than our bicycles? Like when we get to see pussy being dragged along the saddle seat. Mmmmm!

“Feeding Frenzy” seems like a misnomer for what goes on in this film, but it’s certainly a poetic misnomer. That terms makes us think of swarms of piranha or sharks feeding on groups of fish, but here we have a school of dudes being fed upon by one voracious babe. What would be a better title for that? “Bingebang,” “Greedy Cock Gobbling,” “Ball Buffet for One”? Those sound kind of lonely.

You know the rest. Yeah, Riley Reid is the kind of classmate who’d be leaning against her car in the parking lot smokin’ a ciggie before first period. The girl who’d sneak a test out of the teacher’s desk to cheat off the answers. Who’d make out with the other kids during study hall. And she’s the kind of gal who would use detention as an opportunity to take her top off, spit on her tits, rub ‘em around, and give a playful smile. Oh, how we’d have her name scribbled across our notebooks amongst ornate doodles of hearts and stars! We’d play M.A.S.H. and wouldn’t mind ending up in a shack with an El Camino with you, girl.

Fear not, fair lasses of the world, for though the battlefield of love is harsh and unforgiving, you can easily fall into a foxhole and find a man with permanent stubble, tattoos from his younger wilder days, and a bit of a paunch that looks charming on his muscular frame, and you can spend endless hours in bed counting each other’s rings with the tips of your tongues.

There could not be a porn movie more suited to our lazy tastes; we love morning sex! Babes be waking up, barely conscious of the big world outside the boundaries of the bed, their hair all messy and faces unmade, and nothing drives them but a little spark of horniness. If you have brunch plans with us, consider them officially cancelled because this is all we’re doing for the rest of our weekends.

Mandingo is a gentle soul with a cock that is both royal scepter and fearsome cudgel. No one ever comes to harm when grappling that third leg of his, but doing so is a life-changing experience, and some people find that they’ve been so transformed by that big ol’ bone that their entire lives are upheaved. Basically, there’s an existential violence associated with Mandingo’s manhood, but that’s about it.

Real estate is a rough business by itself, so imagine how complicated and stressful it becomes when you’re banging every other person in your agency. This is the struggle that Jesse Jane faces: she tries to sell houses, and though she may not realize it, she’s also trying to sell herself to a special someone. Oh, Jesse, soon you will learn that you can’t hold open houses in your heart (or your pussy).

There is something so uniformly appealing about each of the women selected for Elegant Angel’s “Best New Starlets 2013″ that it almost works against them. Each is brunette or raven-haired and tiny–except Anikka Albrite–and three of them get fucked by Manuel Ferrara: Lucky Bastard.

Because we heard from a reliable source that anal sex with Lexi Belle ushers in world peace (thanks, Mr. Deen) without further ado, we present a lengthy preview to the film Lexi. Said anal exchange occurs amidst a host of other joyful sights, including babely cunnilingus in a roller skating rink. We agree with James on the whole butt part, but we think as a whole package this introduction to Lexi might save us all.

Jeeze, Riley, we feel like we were just making your acquaintance when you started talking about how much you want our hard dick deep in your throat. We expected a chat about this crazy weather or a couple anecdotes first, but — well, who are we to argue? It turns out you’re a great conversationalist, Ms. Reid, and our figurative dick wholeheartedly agrees.

Sometimes you just feel like, “Damn. Why do I waste time trying to OkCupid my vagina’s way into some nice guy mouth when I have friends who are such genius clit-lickers that their tongues deserve MacArthur Fellowships?” We know it’s “healthier” to seek out new relationships, but it’s such a chore when you have a horny homie on speed dial.

We don’t mean to reduce ourselves to blithering fanboys but… nope, wait, we do. Lexi Belle is worth it. Lexi Belle is the kind of girl that reminds your jaded correspondents why people become totally obsessed with porn stars and wish they were their girlfriends. She roller skates in sequined shorts and humps fountains and does girls like she means it or does two guys at once or tells a date they can skip food and go straight to fucking and she grins and puts her hand on her face like she just heard a great joke when she’s getting fucked in the ass and her cum drunk face is just divine.

That ain’t no sidewinder, it’s “Mandingo Massacre 6,” the latest film of a series that we try ever so hard to portray in a peaceful light. It’s like, you know his penis brings pleasure, we know it, everybody knows it, but you can’t look at that dong of his without seeing a weapon. It’s like the Monolith from “2001: A Space Odyssey.”