More pleasant (much more pleasant, actually) than watching the awkward sex on restaurant equipment on display in “LA MILF Truck” is knowing that that same truck sells authentic New York Italian Ice to little leaguers across the San Fernando Valley.

Maybe it’s “okay,” but I don’t believe that Eva Karera is this guy’s mother in-law. He’s not wearing a wedding ring, and Karera refers to the unseen woman as her daughter, not his wife, or even the more familiar “Becky.” See? The Social Contract has been broken already.

Natalie Heart isn’t a dummy. She gets great grades, and she’s on to you. You invited her over to “tutor” her. But she doesn’t need your ancient long division and FOIL method. No, she’s probably going to have teh sex with you and then tweet about it, you know, because she’s a “schoolgirl.”

Sometimes, like the “You” in “Open the door,” the Bra is just understood.

This right here is really unusual but also a real treat. Jonathan Harris spent ten days following around nine different women, attaching himself to each for about twenty-four solid hours, and took ten-second video clips every five minutes. The resulting six hours of footage is now online in an interactive interface and it’s hands-down one of the coolest documentaries we’ve ever seen.

As more people realize that you can’t fight free porn or stem the tide of piracy, more pornographers and distributors will turn to innovation as a way to survive in the adult industry. Paint Bottle TV, like Woodrocket before it, is a tube site that legally owns the professional smut it offers; though it’s no great leap forward, it’s still a big sexy step and a darn beautiful website to visit.

…She amiably towels herself off, a glob of the doctor’s semen dripping off the desk.

There’s a suspension of disbelief (NO, REALLY?) in porn that only an idiot would put into practice. In real life, Natasha Malkova would have probably chopped this guy in two for interrupting her studying, but in the porn world, she fucks him.

Tawny Tyler has been listlessly cleaning that caulking gun—and who cleans a caulking gun?—for ten minutes—wearing a goddamn hard hat, no less—before boss Anthony Rosano chastises her.

Ah, RendS Japan and their R-1 Base Unit strike again. This versatile toy’s standard vibe and Predator Wand attachment have certainly given me some thrills. But this go-round, I’m taking the U.F.O. (Unidentified Fascinating Object) for a literal spin. It’s a crazy nipple stimulator that basically takes your tits on the Gravitron.

Dana Vespoli’s first (and highly anticipated) feature for Evil Angel is as economical as it is trippy; it’s the type of movie informed by the Golden Age of Porn but executed with 21st century sensibilities; there’s a clear—if surreal—narrative that shapes itself around the sex, which is both hard and compelling. No arty cutaways that make us forget it’s a porn film.

“This is what I want,” Rotten says. “Demolish me. Do it. Destroy me.”

Erik Everhard walks in on a Special Thing April O’Neil and Dani Daniels are having in “Chance Encounters” and, instead of macing him, they generously let him join in.

It’s hard to talk about MyGirlFund without comparing it to other sites. It’s like GrubHub where you can order meals from your penis. It’s Etsy that mated with a strip club. It’s OkCupid with way, way, way less desperation and loneliness in the air. I’m both smitten and wary of it, but I think you’ll enjoy it!

What I like about “Evil BBW Gold 2″ is that it is not a self-conscious celebration of ubercurvy women. It takes for granted that BBWs can be porny, too, and suggests that porn needn’t trip over itself to say that heavier performers are also attractive.

“Little Brown Fucking Machines 7″ (or, as we say in industry circles, “LBFM to the 7″) won’t draw you in with its witty banter or its Eastern Mystery. But if you’re into women who calmly do what they’re told and have brown nipples while doing it, this movie is for you.

This is porn at its most natural (note that we didn’t say “real”): two married swinger pornstars taking the Best New Starlet of 2013 for a weekend away with no real plans or demands other than nonstop fun. From now on, we don’t want to see anyone’s vacation movie unless it comes with a minimum of four anal orgasms.

There is something so uniformly appealing about each of the women selected for Elegant Angel’s “Best New Starlets 2013″ that it almost works against them. Each is brunette or raven-haired and tiny–except Anikka Albrite–and three of them get fucked by Manuel Ferrara: Lucky Bastard.

This big plastic vice looks like the sort of thing you’d steal from an ancient temple dedicated to the worship of the yoni, but I assure you that it’s new, unique, and 100% devoted to the pleasing of your penis. Meet the VerSpanken, the freshest fuck toy to earn a permanent place in my collection!

Gambling addict James Deen promises Kayden Kross he will reform in “Losing Kayden,” but no sooner does he come on her face than he lams it to another unlicensed poker game, run by prostitute-dispensing criminal Steve Holmes.