If not for Rio, we never would’ve seen Demi Moore and Michelle Johnson go topless and make Michael Caine uncomfortable! If they had decided to make a movie called “Blame It on Reykjavik,” we’d be lucky to see so much as a shin.

No, you’re not still dreaming, that is indeed a young Russell Crowe. And if you’re thinking of the Danielle Spencer who played Dee Thomas in “What’s Happening!!” back in the day, you’re thinking of the wrong Danielle Spencer. You need to get your head on straight. It’s Wednesday and there are Australians having sex right in front of you.

We love the Eiffel tower on Candice Swanepoel, because it makes us think of the Eiffel tower as an enormous vagina looming over the people of Paris. We do sort of wish the tower were upsidedown so we could imagine it as a V laying across Candice Swanepoel’s vagina. And then we could imagine Candice Swanepoel’s vagina as an enormous vagina taking over Paris!

A whole week? We sincerely doubt it, but maybe if we had seven days of nothing but snuggling and scrambling on top of a massage table with Jenny Cox and Venicia Day, there wouldn’t be a chance for it to go down. Then again, isn’t that dangerous and unhealthy? Oh, wait, sorry, you’re talking about a job!

Jack Morris, a navigator aboard a millionaire’s ship, has discovered that the millionaire’s mistress has stolen valuable data for a secret virtual reality program. Jack and the woman encrypt the data, shrink it down, and tattoo it on Jack’s back (yes, just like in that one “Futurama” movie). Also, Grace Jones and Adam Ant are in this movie. Also, beach sex on a ton of velvet.

So there’s this world, right? It’s like ours, but it’s ruled by a big computer who divides everyone into the haves and the have-nots. Also, there’s a magazine that’s hired some photographer named Gerard to find the most stunning nude pictures for their special issue (and this is a life-or-death matter). Anyway, we lost track of what we’re talking about. Gerard can relate. Here he is getting distracted by random beach sex.

If you think “Borgia” is the only place where you can find hypersexualized appropriations of religious imagery, then think again! The sexploitation era was all about it, and that’s abundantly clear in 1977′s “Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun.” Can you guess who directed it? Jess Franco, exactly! You’re good at this.

Tommy Lee Jones is a private detective whose client has asked him to convince his ex-wife, Virginia Madsen, to leave him alone. There’s only one problem: Virginia is already dead. Does Tommy know that when she steps out of the steam, says he reminds her of Lillian Gish, and then has her way with him? That’s definitely something a ghost would say.

It’s easy to assume these are just regular pictures made to look like Polaroids and aged with a little yellow, but it’s equally easy to imagine someone at Treats! discovering a shoebox of pictures of somebody’s hot mom from the ’70s and deciding to throw it in the magazine. We don’t know what to think here.

I’ve been watching porn for almost thirty years (yeah, yeah…LOL). That means I’ve watched porn over several variations of what’s hot at the time. I’ve gotta tell you, though – most of my “go-to” porn is pretty classic stuff. Most of the people who are on my list are either retired or nonexistent, which makes me sad because I’ll never get the chance to play with them on camera. Sigh.

No? Then you haven’t seen “Three Below Zero,” the story of three people stuck in the laundry room of a New York apartment building during the hottest day of summer. Kate’s character has a fiance, but you know how these cramped situations go. Eventually, somebody’s going to want sex, somebody else will too, and the third person will have to try and ignore it.

Nobody actually says that in this clip, but we know what’s going through Greta Scacchi’s mind when she rouses from her slumber to pick up the phone; her reward for quickly becoming conscious should be more than a few ass gropes and tickle-pinches. She needs an orgasm like glass shattering against a tidal wave under the moon (and yes, that’s exactly how the movie portrays her climax).

Remember the ’70s? It seemed like every time we tried to go on holiday with our gal pals, some kooky calamity would happen and we’d end up babysitting for pervy parents, or get stuck in an all-girl reform school, or maybe we’d be the centerpiece for a blood ritual hosted by horny witches. That stuff happened to us, like, every year.

After spending some time in Chillville (where things were generally aight), we thought it’d be nice to swing over to (Samantha) Gradoville and see the sights. We saw sheer panties, ass crack, nipples, all sorts of tights and heels, and the strangely alluring image of a gorgeous woman sitting with poor posture.

It’s Friday morning, we’re feeling groovy, and now seems like the perfect time to watch Alyssa Milano get freaky in 1996. That year was, as we remember it, a generally freaky year (Bill Clinton got reelected! The Ramones played their last show! The Olympic Games were in Atlanta!) and so it feels appropriate to remember it through the topless writhing and moaning of Ms. Milano.

If you still don’t have a 2013 calendar and you don’t have the energy to go out and get one, you can just reuse a calendar from 1974. And while you’re going back in time, you might as well brush up on your movie nudity from that era. It’s the responsible thing to do when you’re too cheap for new calendars!

Whether you’re a student of guerilla filmmaking in the 70′s or just a fan of pubes and pasty Brooklyn women, the 30th anniversary edition of “Debbie Does Dallas” is indeed special.

“Flesh of the Orchid” has the flavor of a fairy tale–one of the gruesome unedited Grimm’s fairy tales–with a healthy dose of Charlotte Rampling nudity mixed in, so obviously it appeals to us on multiple levels. Charlotte plays a disturbed young woman imprisoned by her aunt who wants to take advantage of her wealth; the game-keeper, Charlotte’s guardian tries to rape her, so she escapes into the countryside and meets a man on the run from two killers. Sounds vaguely “Snow White”-ish, doesn’t it?

Embarrassingly, we know almost nothing about Australia during World War II, so we have to be educated by “15 Amore.” Sources tell us that during that time, young naked Jewish German women were chasing equally naked Italian prisoners of war around trees. Fascinating stuff!

This might not be our favorite reworking of Lewis Carroll’s classic characters, but it’s the only one that features the beloved softcore star Sylvia Kristel running around naked, and it’s making our vorpal swords go all snicker-snack.