In this edition of “MILFs Seeking Boys,” it seems like the MILFs aren’t necessarily on the prowl for young man penis, but instead find that the only way they can help the immature minds around them is to break them down (with fucking) and build them up again (with more fucking). They’re like the MKUltra of MILFs.

It’s May, and you know what that means: students all over the world are stressing the brains out about finals and grades and such. What’s the best they can get, 4.0? If they take a lot of AP classes, they can raise it up to 5.0. If they let the assistant principal bend them over the desk and feast on their fanny, that has to at least be worth 6.0–it’s only fair.

In case you didn’t get the memo, nobody shakes hands anymore. For one, it’s an outdated mode of expression that many cultures don’t practice. Second, your hand is the germiest part of your body. Third, nothing says “I’m down with the program” quite like the overwhelming tightness and genital unity of a good double penetration. Keep this in mind for your next business meeting.

One of the great injustices of our time is that only people with children have easy access to babysitters. It’s not enough that these people get to bring new rays of sunshine into the world–they also have intimate relationships with some of the hardest working and most attractive young humans ever! Since it’s too darn creepy to borrow a kid for the purposes of babysitter boffing, Reality Junkies offers the following tales through which we can live vicariously.

How is it that these teens are able to handle such big penises? It’s the question we ask every time we look at a film from this series, but we think we’ve finally figured out the answer: spit. Yes, all it takes is a little (make that a lot) of saliva and mucus to get the dick all slick and slippery and ready for action. You could also use some store-bought lubricant, but for the personal touch that shows you care, nothing says lovin’ like something from the lower reaches of your esophagus.

Once you’ve seen one wife berate her husband while riding a big black cock, you’ve seen them all, right? Wrong. Cuckoldry isn’t only about the physical intimacy between two and a half people, it’s about the circumstances that bring them together and keep them there, watching each other as holes are explored and vows are bent in the name of sexual freedom. Today’s scenarios involve golf, penis pills, and a lack of self control!

We have yet to find out how the families of the “Filthy Family” series got to be so open and constant with their sexual activities, but as soon as we find out, we’re going to write the next big self help book based on their origins. So far, our best guess is that the entire household mixed up their daily multivitamins with horny goat weed and yohimbe bark.

If anybody’s going to be doing the corrupting around here, we’re glad it’s these pervy teens and not their teachers. We know, we’re employing a double standard, but we’re not trying to be ageist about it. All we’re saying is that it’s a beautiful thing when a grown ass man gets a blowjob from Cindy Starfall and realizes what spectacular oral sex he’s been missing his whole life.

Little did we know that the Lilly Ledbetter Act would inspire women from all walks of life to get back at their callous boyfriends by having wild flings with rockstars and construction workers and whatnot, but that’s what we get for not reading between the lines or paying attention to the all-important Sick Nasty Dome clause.

Let’s not forget that Che Guevara’s journey across South America was initially one of fun, adventure, and youthful hedonism. “Babysitter Diaries 9″ has all of that, except it stops short of presenting the audience with the suffering caused by economic inequality. Instead we get facials. Facials!

Moms, dude. Moms. They give us life, liberty, and love, and we don’t even give them paid maternity leave. They have it hard, therefore, they deserve to get it hard from world class pornstars while their ungrateful husbands watch. Only in this way will balance on Earth be restored.