Yeah, people are all creaming themselves like crazy over the new Xbox Kinect, and sure, the new and improved sensing capabilities are pretty impressive. But we’ve been (literally) creaming ourselves over interactives for years — all thanks to the endless well that is POV porn.

It’s almost like the girl next door, but, uh, way better. Because, sure, you might admire your favorite neighborhood babe, but it’s from afar. The chick on your dick, however, you can hold and watch and love and bang all right there. And that can feel so gratifying, you know? There’s definitely an exquisite beauty and pain in unrequited love, and we’ll swoon over it as much as the next bleeding-heart romantic. But sometimes whackin’ off is preferable to swooning — we’re gonna go ahead and say this is one of those times.

Near any BJ is a good one in our book, but we truly appreciate a body getting clever with them. This lady is treating this dick to a nice Cirque du Soleil of blow technique, and it’s got us wanting to pull off some acrobatics of our own.

We’re not sure if it’s medically validated, but we’re pretty sure facials are great for your health. They’re great for skin, they elevate seratonin levels, and they strengthen tooth enamel (hence the importance of the smile). But, uh, okay. In reality these likely factoids aren’t 100% true. But that doesn’t really matter to us! Because they make us feel good, that’s all.

After the first “Black Anal Addiction” film hit stores, Mike Adriano’s family staged an intervention to address his addiction to eating black anuses. After that, a battalion of Mike’s fans staged an intervention on Mike’s family to ask them not to intervene with Mike’s way of life. Call us enablers if you must, we prefer to think of ourselves as conservationists and anthropologists (and black anal addicts by proxy).

A recent NASA study—conducted from Space—concluded that everyone on this planet and a few of the other ones watches porn. So a title like “I Know That Girl” could be right on the money.

Natalie Heart isn’t a dummy. She gets great grades, and she’s on to you. You invited her over to “tutor” her. But she doesn’t need your ancient long division and FOIL method. No, she’s probably going to have teh sex with you and then tweet about it, you know, because she’s a “schoolgirl.”

We’ve got the sun out, birds chirping, and jizz flowing. Ah, it’s enough for us to break into song. And we will, mind you! But we’ve found that a solid fap session by way of a doggystyle creampie really gets the vocal chords warmed up, ya know?

Uh, yeah, we can’t tell if we want to unhinge our jaw and wolf this mf-er down, or run in fear because it’s pretty damn intimidating. It’s awakening our fight or flight response, and though sometimes we’re inclined to take the easy route and avoid confrontation, we’re into the idea of tackling this mondo-dong head-on (literally! Oh yeah.) So’s this bold biddie.

Okay, if anyone is ever under the impression that a lady can’t be highly into the hardcore side of banging, we raise them this video. We only wish someone would cry out to us with the joyous ululations emanating from the mouth of this babe for this monstrosity of a dildo. We hope this plasticine dick realizes how truly special and loved it is!

This chickie’s got quite a set of pipes! We’re sure she could use them to do some stellar slam poetry or karaoke a fierce version of Mariah Carey’s “Fantasy”, but we sort of like the means by which she’s chosen to utilize her gifts — super loud sex! Yeah, that works pretty darn nicely for us.

We know we’ve talked about this in these hallowed halls of Flesh: the Chuck Taylor is the High Heel of the future. Just so, spandex is the nylon stocking of the future. Thigh highs and pantyhose are totally sexy, but in terms of the “clothes I see hot babes in all the time thus informing my erotic fantasies” category of boner, spandex is gaining traction. (and it’s affordable, too!)

Sure, facials are pretty darn gratifying in and of themselves. But it’s ever more satisfying if you hit that thang spot-on from afar, like in those carnival games where you shoot a target and your balloon fills up fastest or your horse runs farthest and you win a giant stuffed alien. The prize here happens to be a babely face covered in your own spooge, which we think is even cooler, but you can still celebrate the whole endeavor with funnel cakes for all.

It really makes a body feel quite sparkling and refreshed, let us tell you! This chick knows what we’re talking about. Why only mess about in the mouth when you can take that sucker all the way down and get your throat involved in the works? They’re an underappreciated part, we feel, and quite versatile. Sure, we use them to swallow (also useful in this circumstance) but we can also use them to do… well, whatever it is this chick is doing with hers here. It’s pretty cool.

Ah, it’s the ever-elusive FPOV. And, whaddaya know, it looks pretty darn good! Although we’re not sure if it’s as much chalked up to camerawork as it is to this awesomely hung cock that’s diving in and out of her. Let’s say it’s 50/50. But that cock really makes a pretty cool starlet.

Perhaps it’s true that people can use porn to learn how to have sex (though piledrivers are silly), but it’s rare that erotic interludes teach us something useful. Kevin Moore’s “Hooker Experience” is such a movie, for it teaches us how to be an ally to sex workers.

At first we thought Audrina Ashley was thoughtfully applying sunscreen to her boyfriend’s dickhead in a prudent and preemptive move to avoid sunburn on that sensitive area. But when she sucks it right off, there goes our theory. Aha! It’s whipped cream. Lord only knows how they’ll keep it nice and chilled during their fun day at the beach, but at least we don’t have to worry about dickburn — because she’s keeping it pristine and safe within that pretty mouth. Hey, can we do that instead of slicking up with SPF? It seems way more effective…

We think we can honestly say we’ve never seen any babe so masterfully command the breasts she was blessed with. She’s like some sexy Gepetto making them shimmy and dance under her clever hand — stroking and coaxing this cock to come all over them. It’s a beautiful show.

Ah, our old friend, the reverse cowgirl. We feel like this is sort of the second level of sex move — once you’ve mastered missionary and doggie style, dabbled in some forward-facing rides, this is the ticket. Throw your inhibitions out the window — they’re not wanted here! You’ve gotta be bold to bounce big-booty style, but oh, it’s worth it.