More pleasant (much more pleasant, actually) than watching the awkward sex on restaurant equipment on display in “LA MILF Truck” is knowing that that same truck sells authentic New York Italian Ice to little leaguers across the San Fernando Valley.

Phoenix motherfucking Marie, y’all: you know the name, you know the butt, you know the power contained in this mighty performer, and if you know what’s good for you, you will drop to your knees and worship her. It was painful to only pick five scenes for this woman, but we did it, and we think you’ll enjoy them (there’s even a full free scene waiting for you)!

The unspoken ladder of pornographic intensity states that girl-girl more hardcore than solo, boy-girl is harder than girl-girl, an so on and so forth. Interracial sex and double penetration used to be sitting pretty at the top of the heap, but now there’s a new way to play and every adult actress on the block is sure to be counting down the days until she finally has her first “Double Black Penetration.”

Dana Vespoli’s first (and highly anticipated) feature for Evil Angel is as economical as it is trippy; it’s the type of movie informed by the Golden Age of Porn but executed with 21st century sensibilities; there’s a clear—if surreal—narrative that shapes itself around the sex, which is both hard and compelling. No arty cutaways that make us forget it’s a porn film.

We have yet to find out how the families of the “Filthy Family” series got to be so open and constant with their sexual activities, but as soon as we find out, we’re going to write the next big self help book based on their origins. So far, our best guess is that the entire household mixed up their daily multivitamins with horny goat weed and yohimbe bark.

Moms, dude. Moms. They give us life, liberty, and love, and we don’t even give them paid maternity leave. They have it hard, therefore, they deserve to get it hard from world class pornstars while their ungrateful husbands watch. Only in this way will balance on Earth be restored.

If you must hate on bras, we ask that you do it responsibly. Don’t set your bra on fire, don’t toss it in the street, and if you must throw it in the trash, be sure to cut it in half so birds and fish don’t get caught in it and suddenly have great boobs. That could seriously mess up mating season.

Phoenix Marie is a brick house. You want her to show up in some Bukowski story or R. Crumb comic out-drinking the mailman. But since we don’t make those movies too much, it’s good to see her in warrior drag, squiring around Lexi Belle, who looks tiny by comparison.

She rises from the ashes, she’s always playing with asses, she’s one of our favorite pornstars of all time, and these are easily some of the hottest pictures of her we’ve ever seen. Juliland’s decision to make Phoenix the new jGrrl is beyond wise; she will rule with an iron rack (a very pinchable iron rack).

Trapped in the lizard brain of the uneven “Batgirl XXX” is a really good porn movie that is hindered time and again by porn’s rogues gallery: marble-mouthed delivery and slipshod attention to detail.

Because I was recruited straight out of my correspondence Clinical Sexology school, I was unaware that there was such a thing as fraternity “Moms,” like the one portrayed by Phoenix Marie. I believe deeply that this position is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

We’ve already seen some of the swords, sandals, and sex that’s packed into Exquisite Films’ latest parody, but now–as if by magic–we get to see that sex in motion. Here, for the very first time, is the hardcore trailer for “Xena Warrior Princess XXX: An Exquisite Films Parody.”

Phoenix Marie ditches her husband to make a play for a very appreciative Mr. Marcus in “Housewives Gone Black 14.” Maybe it isn’t a post-racial America after all.

In Bobbi’s first film, we watched as the sinister Ms. Starr subjected Lea Lexis, Chanel Preston, and Phoenix Marie to a panoply of teases and tortures under a high-powered hose, and even though the three girls were all tied up, it seemed fine because they were together united in bondage and submission. However, in this new scene, Bobbi frees Chanel and Phoenix from their ropes and has them take advantage of Lea. So much for that solidarity!

Chanel Preston, Phoenix Marie, and Lea Lexis are all taking a nice, pleasant shower together (completely bound, naturally), kissing, rubbing their legs together (trying to untie each other with their teeth), the usual. That all changes when Bobbi Starr shows up and trains a high-powered hose on their defenseless bodies–then they start squealing and coming and oh damn this video looks hot.

Behold, the ruthless pillager turned noble adventurer is in a new chapter of life, and she has tossed her armor aside. Fret not, for Xena hasn’t given up the way of the warrior, she’s just realized that the tight leather duds get make it hard to go down on Gabrielle. Friends, this is a porn parody that powerfully needed to be made.

Every time Bobbi Starr comes out with another movie, we feel like we need to set aside a week to watch it because every scene is so gosh darn hardcore. Such is the case with “Kiss Me, Lick Me, Fuck Me,” a two-disc tribute to the feeling of Bobbi’s knuckles working their way inside a girl’s ass.

Everybody knows that Elvis Presley purchased Graceland in order to find a little piece of country quiet and tranquility, but not many people know about the other huge property he owned. It’s a wild place where he threw crazy parties with big booty belles, and no one in his family ever knew about it. This place was called “Gapeland,” and Elvis kept it all to himself.