And they have to do a lot with Penny Pax’s ass. We could espouse on the subject at quite a length ourselves, but we hardly think it could hold a candle to the sophisticated yarn being spun here. We’ll just scoot on close; you’ve got our rapt attention.

We’re not saying that cuteness is lower on the totem pole than hotness–it’s on an entirely different pole. The cutie is most certainly hot, but at her cores, she possesses a little bit of buttercream frosting that turns everything she does into a sweet act of exploration. What turns them into official hotties? We don’t know. That’s not what this movie is about.

The Kink Armory in San Francisco is obviously designed for all sorts of crazy bondage, but sometimes the building itself can feel too constrictive and claustrophobic. Claire Adams found herself feeling this way when she was handed the reins for her first Hogtied feature, so she took a whole crew out to the Grand Canyon, suspended Penny Pax and Cherry Torn from some rocks, and let Danny Wylde do his thing. It’s a magical scene.

Pretty Penny Pax is trussed up somethin’ serious here, but it’s all for the best because she’s in a primo position for Danny Wylde to have his way with her. And he’s a no holds barred master — just look at how he storms that ass! He’s a regular viking of the anal sex empire. We’d jump onboard his ship in a heartbeat, with Danny as Captain and we as the first mate submitting to his every whim. We’d swab the decks, getting ass-fucked all the while. It’s the sailor’s life for us!

We don’t know what it is about Sean Michaels and rulers, but the guy seems to enjoy knowing the exact dimensions of the asses in which he sticks his dick. Maybe it’s a part of his “Daddy Knows Best” persona, or maybe he knows something we don’t. What if butt measuring is the hot new jam that’s taking the porn industry by storm? We’d be so embarrassed. We haven’t measured any butts.

Everybody wants a butt with bounce and a yoni that does yoga, but people often overlook the awesomeness of a sphincter that’ll snap back on your thumb like a mad rubber band. Leilani Leeane knows how to train her tuchus for tightness, and now she doesn’t even bother with a wallet; she keeps fatty rolls of cash neatly organized in her ass. If we might quote the poet Mase, Leilani is “young, black, and famous with money hangin’ out the anus.”

…and then that’s when the fun really begins. We’re not even going to begin to try to explain this delightful short film (starring the even more delightful Penny Pax, but we will say that it’s not for the faint of heart (and probably shouldn’t be watched while you’re eating).

Every time Bobbi Starr comes out with another movie, we feel like we need to set aside a week to watch it because every scene is so gosh darn hardcore. Such is the case with “Kiss Me, Lick Me, Fuck Me,” a two-disc tribute to the feeling of Bobbi’s knuckles working their way inside a girl’s ass.

So, as it turns out, when you look inside the Ark of the Covenant, you’ll find an extra five commandments that are all about the glory of blowbangs and being anointed by jizz. And the whole Nazi face-melting light you saw in “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” well, let’s just say God has some mixed-up ideas about blowbangs.