To be real, we could watch Lorelei Lee read the back of a cereal box and be engrossed. On the other hand, thank gooooodness Lorelei Lee chose the profession of “epic porn star” and not “epic back of cereal box reader” (we’re assuming that would be some sort of performance art thing).

We’re not sure if it’s medically validated, but we’re pretty sure facials are great for your health. They’re great for skin, they elevate seratonin levels, and they strengthen tooth enamel (hence the importance of the smile). But, uh, okay. In reality these likely factoids aren’t 100% true. But that doesn’t really matter to us! Because they make us feel good, that’s all.

It’s a combination of which we’ll never tire. It’s like peanut butter and jelly, like Abbott and Costello, like dicks and cumsluts. Timeless, really. And all it takes to bring about the magic is a deft handie, kind of like the one this lusciously be-breasted lady is bestowing upon her lucky man. All these elements are so complementary, a jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces fall right into place. Then get covered in cum. You know the kind!

‘Tis a lovely place to be, we gather — at least from this video evidence. Just piledriving your voluptuous lover’s ass until you bust a load deep inside her… Ahh. It makes us feel effervescent as a tall glass of champagne. That we kind of want to suck down then scoot aside so that we can engage in our own cool piledriving fun. Doesn’t that sound fun for everyone?

Well, we probably love your smile too, but that’s not what’s really being showcased here. So we’ll just admire what’s right in front of our faces — and that’s one stellar handie. Oh okay, and also a pretty phenomenal pair of tits, but we can only focus on one thing at a time! And this hottie uncut cock splooging all over the hand that jacks it has sort of got our attention right now… We just need a minute.

Or there’s a good chance this cameraman will shove a makeshift gag in your mouth! But, uh, those are the kind of chances we like to take because we like playing a little rough. We’ve got an inkling this babe is cut from the same devilish cloth. So we say sing your heart out, lady! Who knows where things might go next…*

But we don’t mind that this chick shirks the rules, don’t mind it at all. Because we’ve almost never seen a lady with such a taste for ejaculate before. It’s finer than the deepest, darkest chocolate, the most decadent creme bruleé. Oh, cum-eating sluts, you make up your own rules. We’re on board.

It’s a benevolent, loving eye that only wants the messiest, squirtingest best for you. We could all use a friend like that! This particular comrade, however, happens to have kindly qualities like a rotating shaft and vibrating bunny top that really help you achieve your goals. The messy, squirting ones, that is.

It finally feels like springtime is here, and we just want to jizz on everything we see! So we’re not sure if that’s an appropriate response to the ebullient liveliness and joy bursting within us, but it seems as good an outlet as any. So, yes, we shall herald the spring in flowing freshets of skeet, veritable streamers of spooge, loving loads of… load. It’s a celebration!

Yes, we’re already ready to start figuratively kicking this week’s ass (in a positive way), and we’re going to draw inspiration from this multi-positioned, sexy breathing, hottie-coupled back-cumming bang affair. It complements our second cup of coffee quite nicely — better than a bowl of Frosted Flakes, let us tell you.

Coral Aorta and Siouxie Q just blew our minds with one of the filthiest role plays we’ve ever watched (and that, friends, is saying something). That’s right, they’re not sisters, they just play them in this porno. Arriving home from ballet practice and sporting some very adorable outfits, they begin bratty fighting and teasing which leads (obviously) to making out and hitachis. Then they put dicks and POINTE SHOES inside one another.

Call us picky if you must, but we’ve decided that from now on, we’re not watching any movie unless there’s an orgasm–preferably a breathy and sexy one, but we’ll also accept heavy grunt-laden ones–by the time the opening credits are done. “Soldier’s Decameron” has shown us the light, and we’re not going back into the sexless dark.

This chickie’s got quite a set of pipes! We’re sure she could use them to do some stellar slam poetry or karaoke a fierce version of Mariah Carey’s “Fantasy”, but we sort of like the means by which she’s chosen to utilize her gifts — super loud sex! Yeah, that works pretty darn nicely for us.

There’s nary a thing as sweet as a babe having a stellar orgasm. So, imagine the joy that comes from having that orgasm happen right on your face. It’s like plunging from the zenith of a roller coaster, like jumping into a ballpit full of downy pillows, like getting free reign of Disney World without a line in sight. In other words, it’s happiness exponentiated, we tell ya.

Missionary may well be the first warming, heralding embrace to slamming all us happy sluts ever encountered. Some may pooh-pooh the position as passé, but hey, we make new friends and keep the old. There’s an intimacy that comes with that full-frontal caress, the intense eye contact, the, well, comfort of it all. Missionary, we’d give you a hug if we could. And then we’d try to fuck you.

Every dick is a great dick! There are fetishizers of all sorts of things — small cocks included — but when it comes down to it (or onto it, or onto the couch as it were), we like any body that’s naked. This guy, his babely broad, and his li’l willie all fit the bill, and they make a quite lovely naked, cummy picture together.

Hey, y’all! You know what makes a delightful snack anytime — morning, noon, and night? A deliciously well-kempt ass! It’s tasty and fun, we tell ya. And just couple that delectable dainty with a side of whack-off. Bon appetít!

Sure, facials are pretty darn gratifying in and of themselves. But it’s ever more satisfying if you hit that thang spot-on from afar, like in those carnival games where you shoot a target and your balloon fills up fastest or your horse runs farthest and you win a giant stuffed alien. The prize here happens to be a babely face covered in your own spooge, which we think is even cooler, but you can still celebrate the whole endeavor with funnel cakes for all.

Blondes may be said to have all the fun, and redheads might be rare, exotic birds, but when it comes to the chicks you wanna know and love, chances are they’re of the raven-haired variety. Dark, mysterious and lovely, we can’t get enough of those auburn, sable, chestnut, and cocoa-colored locks. Especially juxtaposed with some cock.

We just wanna sit back with a cup of coffee and dunk this babe in. Or something. Well, that would probably be unpleasant for her so maybe we’ll just sit back, enjoy our coffee and her creampied pussy, have a snack, and maybe touch ourselves. Sounds like a right pleasant evening.