Contrary to popular belief, the finest cock pleasuring isn’t about ruthless banging—although Nicole Ray is certainly a skilled reverse cowgirl rider—it’s about finessing the phallus. Look how Nicole Ray grinds against Jay Ashley’s cock as she lightly kneads his balls: she’s like a baker!

Even though it’s hard riding that delivers the final blast, we maintain that Nicole’s sweet sack rubbing is what originally did the trick. It allowed her to recover some energy, it gave Jay some new sensations to focus on, and she probably picked up some static energy when she was shuffling her socks on the carpet, so maybe she was zapping him as she rode. Is that a thing? Are there any static fetishists out there?

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If the real universe were like the porn universe, then babysitting would be the world’s oldest and most common profession, despite the fact that sitters never actually work. The porn universe’s economy is fantastic, by the way.

Be honest: if you had the money, wouldn’t you call up Jennifer White (or the nearest college-age babysitter who resembled her) and have her sit on your couch for a few hours? Alec Knight would. And, as a reward for being such a reliable source of income, Jennifer lets him fuck her in the ass. Not only is this good for her business, but it also helps Converse, too. Seriously, those red low-tops against her creamy thighs do things to us that no high heel can ever dream of.

When a stingy housewife decides to short change Allie Haze, Allie must think of a way to get even. Babysitters don’t have a strong union (and it turns out The Babysitters Club hasn’t been accepting new members since 2000), so Allie decides that she’s going to seduce the man of the house, Evan Stone. Fortunately, that’s an easy goal because Evan is always DTF. He even invents some strange ass-to-ass-doggie-style that only people with long dicks can do—just for the thrill of being freaky with Allie.

Nicole Ray realizes that the man funding her pizza habit is none other than legendary pornstar Tommy Gunn (ably played by Tommy Gunn), and she decides that must have sex with him. We don’t know exactly how Nicole convinces Tommy, but we imagine it was something like, “I’m Nicole Ray, I’m adorable, and you want to fuck me.” He strips her down to her stripey, rainbow socks, bends her over the couch, and shows her that, yes, pornstars are great at sex. How meta!

We never tire of seeing babysitters do nasty things in the homes of their clients. It’s the one portrayal of a stereotype that really jives well with our masturbation habits. Let’s give thanks to Bobby Manila and Reality Junkies for “Babysitter Diaries 4,” in stores today!

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What are these girls dropping? Their jaws? Their panties? We won’t be satisfied until we see Nicole Ray drop the A-bomb on the island of Misfit Small-Cocked Pornstars. Or maybe we’ll settle with watching her fuck Jack Lawrence. Maybe.

We have to say, we were 100% on board with the show until we read the back of the box that says, “Check out the real-life casting calls where we went to Craig’s List [sic] to find guys with big cocks. What these unsuspecting big cucumber guys don’t know is that the casting directors are really our cock-hungry porn stars!” Really, Bluebird? You’re going to pretend Jack Lawrence is just some guy? Then again, we really do like the idea of big cocked pornstars responding to Craigslist ads for their services. Anyway, we’re getting off track.

Krissy Lynn has been around the block a few times. We’re not calling her slutty or anything, but she’s seen her fair share of wangs in this universe. So be warned, unless you have something big enough to stretch out her cheeks and fill her pussy, you probably shouldn’t whip it out in her presence. (Er, you should never just whip out your cock in a pornstar’s presence. Only do it if she asks you to.)

Evie Delatosso isn’t necessarily disparaging of small penises—she enjoys cocks of all sizes—but she really likes getting sloppy and messy when she fucks, and it just so happens that she does this most easily with the help of a big dick. One minute she’ll be licking balls, all calm and collected, and then the next minute, her tired muscles struggle to catch her boy toy’s come on her big, sweaty tits. It’s hard work dealing with large shlongs, but she loves it.

Some girls, like Victoria Lawson and Jasmine Jolie, like to do the forearm test when they see dicks for the first time. If the penis in question is more than two thirds the length and comparable girth, they deem it suitable for intercourse. We think this is a smart system! We also think you’d enjoy watching them split in half by the forearm-sized cocks they select.

“I Only Drop for Big Cocks” already came out a few days ago, so feel free to find out what Nicole Ray and company are dropping. Please report back to us.

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On the boxcover of “Race Relations 1,” Nicole Ray suggests that she didn’t know what she had coming. I suppose we can cut her some slack since it’s reverse cowgirl…

The fact that this title is “Race Relations 1,” however, makes me think that producers Blacks On Blondes didn’t think one slim volume would be enough to ease the racial tension that continue to plague our nation, or that one slim, coltish cheerleader Nicole Ray couldn’t do it either.

But you have to (hand) it to her: she’s trying awful goddamn hard.

“I feel like this isn’t a blowjob,” she says to her mostly incoherent scene partner (you’d be incoherent too), “it’s a challenge.”

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When we think back on this porny period of our lives together, we might remember the few times we were convinced that someone was ready and willing for anything. That’s how we’ll think of Nicole Ray.

Bluebird’s “Heat on the Street: Sex in Public” has five scenes of guerilla-shot debauchery, one of which features the delightful and ready-to-go Nicole Ray who is exponentially more enthusiastic about fucking in public than either her director or partner are (though Justin Magnum eventually gets charmed, too).

“The neighbors can suck my titty,” Ray says when informed that the rooftop is in full view of everyone.

Ray and Magnum strive masterfully in a men’s room stall before adjourning to the back of an air conditioning unit,

It’s always fun to watch Ray because she’s confident that she’s hot and that she can get away with things without being insufferable about it. Doubtless she can get people into a lot of trouble.

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What is it about having sex in public that’s so hot? Is it the thrill of getting caught? The rush of being watched? Or the devil may care rebelliousness of it all? We’d say all the above.

Jasmine Jolie gets fucking drilled right in the aisle of what looks like a convenience mart next to the cool walls of refrigerated sports and energy drinks. We keep expecting a guy with baggy jeans, a construction worker, and a store clerk to interrupt them, but instead Pete has all the time in the world to just plow her tiny pink flower wide open.

Nicole Rey (our favorite new young starlet) is a little less risky, as far as the public acts of lewdness go. She’s up on the roof getting banged out by a well hung stud. Though the truth is that all her neighbors can see her, as low flying aircraft and birds, and she has no place to run if the fuzz shows up and tries to slap the cuffs on her or worse! Plus, the king dong she’s getting rammed up into her is so massive we’re pretty sure she was walking funny and not sitting much for a week or so after they shot this. But Nicole faces it all with a devil-may-care attitude. Like a wild animal in heat, the feral hunger to get her sweet cunt banged out dominates all her other senses as she throws caution to the wind and just goes for one howling orgasm after another.

Cindy Behr gets nailed up in the club while she thinks no one is watching. Pretty soon she has so much cock crammed up her pleasure canal that she doesn’t care who sees her. Stacy Saran fucks baby Dane Cross in broad daylight as their lust turns to action. The pure chemistry between these two is amazing. Romana Ryder gets fucked hard in the parking lot over a car that belongs to someone else, the best way to go in our opinion.

“Heat on the Street” comes out this month from those horny and diverse bastards over at Bluebird Films. With a never ending sea of releases pouring out of them they may be the best new adult studio of all time. Now check out the amazing gallery they sent our way just for you.

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A beautiful day, an infinity pool, and a supple, willing cheerleader willing to get down and dirty. This is what heaven is like, right? Cause, honestly, that’s the only thing that’s kept us going to church.

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Some focus on the very brink of legality, with countless odes to eighteen year olds. Bluebird Films offers us the wonder of what follows that crossed line: the glory and excitement of young women freely exploring their sexuality.

Just to get this out of the way up front: this movie had to have been shot at least two years ago. So, instead of looking at “Before I’m 21″ as a cutting edge slice of the moment, we think we should all look at it as an amazing time capsule that chronicles the sexy sex lives of five succulent starlets, back when they still ranged from eighteen to nineteen years old. Yes, Bluebird hearkens us back to a time just before the economic crash, when we still believed the bubble would never pop and legal teens had that glimmer of naïve hope in their eyes, when they could still afford to be cavalier about coming of age. Strap on your libido and a fresh bottle of lube as we rev this site up to 88 mph and take you back in time.

It’s been a hot minute since we’ve set eyes on beautiful nymph Lindsey Meadows, but we’ll never forget her. With that lithe young body, that sweet pussy wrinkle, those beautiful eyes and long lustrous hair, and a sexual fury like a volcano demanding human sacrifices, little Miss Lindsey slayed us the very first day we met her. She turns in a white hot performance to be remembered by for Bluebird. Watching one of our favorite girls bouncing up and down on a hard prick again is like finding those lost Jimi Hendrix tapes or Ansel Adams stills at a garage sale—a wonderful and exhilarating surprise. Plus those plaid sox are killing us. We miss you Lindsey. Come back!

The same can be said for Crush Object and potential full blown mainstream crossover starlet Faye Reagan, even though she’s still hard at work each and every day, turning in new fuck scenes. We have to wonder: is there ever enough Faye? Watching young Faye get nailed by her beau Dane Cross when she was all new and fresh is a strawberry rush that left us dizzy and disoriented, and sticky. Don’t laugh until you’ve seen the scene. It’s heart stopping!

Cassidy Morgan, Jessica Lynn (be still our throbbing nether regions!!!), and Nicole Ray also all look amazing and fuck like wild young Catholic school girls left unattended with immoral older dudes with huge cocks. We just want to leave a little to the imagination, if you know what we mean.

That being said Bluebird Films’ “Before I’m 21″‘ comes out this week. They’ve got so much good stuff going on over there, we’d recommend that you go ahead and check out their site, right after you get a good long look at these killer snaps.

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Just when it seemed there was no place left for the “Barely Legal” franchise to reasonably spin-off to, along comes the “Boarding School Girls” edition, making us rethink everything. It’s so simple we (almost) can’t believe it.

Having not been lucky enough to have been born a blue blood, most of what we know about boarding school in the first place comes from the Harry Potter franchise (you know, novels, movies, amusement park rides…). That being said, nothing like this ever went down at Hogwarts—well, except in our imagination.

Charlie Lane has long been a favorite of ours. It seems strange to say that about someone starring in a “Barely Legal” movie, but it’s true. She simply isn’t aging. It’s like her massive libido bound up in her cute little body has kept her in a state of suspended animation. Who knows? Maybe a daily diet of sucking snatch truly is the fountain of youth? Charlie sets to work on her bunk mate Jessica, unleashing her talented tongue on the poor girl until she’s practically climbing the walls. She sets to work on her swollen clit like speedbag, taking lengthy intervals to lap at her labia and drive her stamp licker deep up into Jessica’s juice box. Hot doesn’t begin to describe it. By the time Jessica’s been fully satisfied, beyond her wildest desires we suspect, and turned the tables on Charlie, expressing her gratitude through the majesty of reciprocity, we’ve all but creamed ourselves no less than a baker’s dozen. Barely Legal indeed. We barely made it through the first scene, which, given our penchant for real young girl lesbian love, isn’t all that shocking.

Lana Violet and Isis Taylor employ an arsenal of tongues and toys on each others twats. The enchanting McKenzie Pierce and delicious Alyssa Reece tangle like alley cats as they explore their Sapphic lust, letting it consume them. They are glorious to watch as they climb their ladders to fire. Morgain Laine and Louisa Lanewood don’t disappoint either. The title ends with Nicole Ray prying open the sticky crevices between Crista Moore’s smooth young thighs with her face and fingers and Crista howling in sweet ecstasy until we simply could not hold back our release one moment longer.

“Barely Legal Boarding School Girls” releases next week from Hustler. Judging from our reaction to it, and the sweet sample of pictures we collected below as evidence, the series should be a tremendous success. In other words, Uncle Larry, if you are reading this, keep ‘em coming!

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A lot of things have changed since Celeste shot Stoya in “Love and Other Mishaps” for Digital Playground. Stoya left. Celeste left. Stoya came back. What is it about this nacre-skinned goddess that keeps us so utterly entranced?

Well, we suppose the fact that she’s breathtakingly beautiful plays a large part in it. Watching her have sex is truly like watching time bend before your eyes. The only other girl from her period of porn history who makes us feel that way is Sasha Grey. Wouldn’t you know? Celeste cast her in this movie as well. Seren-fucking-dipidty.

The plot has something to do with life being meaningless without being honest about your inner desires to fuck everything or swapping partners. Or something. We’re not entire sure, to be honest. It’s very art noir or some such thing. That much we know. What we can say for certain is that what seemed like intellectual exercises on loves boundless catastrophes at the time now register with both ladies as hard earned life lessons.

Nicole Ray and Scott Nails have blistering hot sex. Nicole looks so slick and pink when you spread her open at the seams. She sure seems to enjoy what Nails has to offer.

The lovely Sasha Grey has her moment to once again win us over with none other than Mick Blue. With so much raw sexuality packed into such an appealing package it’s not hard to see why she is still one of our all time favorites. Grey doesn’t just suck cock—she devours it. She doesn’t just lie back and get fucked—she opens herself up, unraveling her sticky pink butterfly wings, and pulls you into her world. While you seek to dominate and control her she seems passive, but in fact she consumes you, like an ocean wrapping around a tiny toy ship, and pulling it down to its mysterious depths.

The look on her face during a scene speaks volumes about her intrinsic animal nature. Who would guess that in addition to this lascivious demon of lust there exists, within those complex layers, both a savvy business woman and an intellectual? She truly is the whole package, the genuine article, the real McCoy.

That leaves us with our darling Stoya, who manages to copulate with Tony De Sergio and then with Mr. Pete. Where to begin? If we could only watch one woman fuck for the rest of our lives it would be this woman. We have been privileged to have known and seen the most beautiful women in the world truly savagely ravaged and pleasured in our time. Stoya is the crown jewel on that priceless pile. The way her skin subtly flushes when she gets excited, the sparkle in her eyes, a microflash of emotion twisting on her lips, all act like poisonous barbs sinking in under our flesh, pulling us deeper into a state of deceptive calm. We simply cannot believe that such an incredibly gorgeous woman exists or that we are lucky enough to watch her feral sex play.

“Love and Other Mishaps” comes out next week from Digital Playground and Celeste. While it’s good to see young innocent Stoya in action we can’t help but admit we’re interested in seeing what she looks like in her first movie back off hiatus. All images are courtesy of Digital Playground. We know they’re alluring, but we must insist that you behave. Don’t fuck it up for everyone by acting like an idiot. Enjoy them and move on.

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We are not going to lie—we have no idea what “Riley Steele Strict Machine” is about. From what we can tell, it’s about people having amazing sex. And hey, that’s cool with us.

“Strict Machine” is a Celeste title, which means it comes with the usual attention to detail, lighting, costumes, and set design. Plus it’s easy to tell that Robby D is behind the camera, because the production quality is immaculate and the angles these decadent sex angels are captured in, the fluidity and effortlessness of the movements, belie the touch of a master pornographer making it all look effortless. Add a sizzling hot cast of insatiable whores greedily devouring as much cock meat as they can fit into their lubricious holes and it all falls into place.

Take Kagney Linn Karter, for example. We’re sure you wish you could—we sure do. The undisputed best new starlet of this year devours Manuel Ferrara without batting an eyelash. She takes his enormous cock deep into her mouth and sucks him hard before introducing the turgid member to her salivating slit.

Irresistable angel Riley Steele joins forces with Marie McCray for a tag session on Erik Everhard that cranks the heat up to eleven and holds it there. What the hell is going on with little Marie? She looks absolutely possessed as her tiny little pussy gets filled to the brim with Erik’s renowned prick. As if that weren’t enough to finish the average man off in six seconds Erik also properly services Riley. One look in those pretty blue eyes while pumping into her holiest of holy places and we’re fairly certain that we’d be finished. Erik savors them both, providing deep cunt satisfaction to these horny sluts by drilling them with pro grade cock.

Riley also tangles with an angry James Deen. He manhandles her a little but in the end we’re confident that she cums out on top, cumming again and again on his foot long baloney pony. James fucking Deen…look how far you’ve come, brother. Living the dream and keeping it real.

Isis Taylor and Manuel Ferrara shouldn’t get overlooked for their coupling, but we’re not going to go into any depth. Sorry kids. We’ll leave it up to you to learn more about their scene. We’re too busy marveling over Nicole Ray begging with Erik Everhard to get a piece of his cock up in her. We promise, no, we fucking guarantee it will have you totally turned on if you not ready to blow before she even gets the object of her obsession. Dear fucking God it’s hot listening to her whine like that. We recommend rewinding it over and over again until you get the full effect. Totally worth it.

We’re guessing that this movie is about domination or submission or handcuffs. Some kind of aggressive sex. We won’t ruin it for you. At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter what the title is about. It’s got drop dead gorgeous women being fucked wide open in their tightest pinkest places and loving every minute of it. It’s perfect. Check out the stills they sent over and tell us we’re wrong.

All images are courtesy of Digital Playground so play nice. For more DP goodness check out their site.

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How wild are the girls out west? Wild enough to offer to pay off their debts with bathroom blowjobs…which, if you ask us, is just wild enough.

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It’s not like we were trying to hide our love of lesbians, but director Sid Knox blew our cover with this awesome lesbian movie starring a gaggle of fine meat free babes.

There is just tons of sexy girl on girl action. We almost don’t know where to start. Almost.

Capri Anderson jams it all the way up Alyssa Reece’s sweet bung until the toy nearly disappears. By ‘it’ we mean a bright orange toy with sex bumps. It will blow your mind, and for our male readers, your load.

Angie Savage gets her tiny pink gash pried open with a hot wet tongue then returns the favor on beautiful Mason Moore. The tatted wings adorning Angie’s back remind us that she is a fallen angel of lust. As if we could ever forget!

Charmaine Star and Nicole Ray have some naughty fun together, getting dirty in the shower by digging in each others cracks then washing it all away. Sounds like the perfect afternoon!

Cindy Hope and Ariel X explore the world of Sapphic bliss that awaits them when the boys are gone. Judging by the way they get right in there we’re thinking that they might have done this before.

Karlie Montana and Hailey James are real lesbians…well at least on film anyway. We can’t vouch for their personal lives. We can say that they last time we saw a girl give that look that Hailey burns through Karlie was in the presence of a real life lesbian. If they aren’t the genuine article they sure are amazing actresses. Truth is we don’t want to know. We’re fine just believing what we want to believe and watching Hailey manhandle Karlie like the dirty little slut she is!

‘Lesbian Tendencies’ releases from Diabolic and Sid Knox this month. Check out this delicious gallery of lovely ladies diving face first into hot pink muff.

As it turns out, Mona’s hyperactive libido is The Boss. All will be assimilated.

Who’s the Boss? – A XXX Parody

Studio: New Sensations
Director: Lee Roy Myers
Cast: Alyssa Reece, Bobbi Starr, India Summer, Payton Leigh, Lexi Belle, Nicole Ray, Anthony Rosano, James Deen, Rocco Reed, Sonny Hicks

The cheery opening credits roll, Anthony Rosano dances around in a towel, and ten seconds later, we see India Summer step naked out of the shower; in less than a minute, “Who’s the Boss? – A XXX Parody” establishes itself as one of the best parody porn films around. Quick visual gratification and attention to detail (that doesn’t squelch creativity) are two things many parodies lack, and Lee Roy Myers knows that. We’re not saying this film is perfect, but it is pleasing.

While the obvious sexual tension brews, Payton Leigh’s Mona wastes no time getting a man in her hands. She hunts down Rocco Reed in the kitchen and pounces on her college-age prey. He tries to fight, but gives in as soon as Mona slips an arthritic hand below his belt. They don’t have the hottest chemistry, and Rocco seems somewhat wary of humping Mona’s hip to dust, so the scene ends quickly.

As Rocco cleans himself up, Lexi Belle chats with college-age Sam (Alyssa Reece) about the faults of men, compounding her lecture with pussy eating. It’s a classic “we don’t need no stinking boys” routine that includes the materialization of multiple bullet vibrators and an awkward cameo as Angela tiptoes by the couch and into the kitchen. Not as exciting as predicted, but Reece’s eerily Milano-like appearance makes for powerful fap material.

Jonathan, also college-age (still with a bad haircut), brings Bobbi Starr home to “study”—”study” meaning “have nasty sex with Bobbi Starr.” We never find out what Starr, dressed in all black with calf-high boots, sees in Jonathan, and so our jealousy runneth over. She tears off his pleated pants, sucks his tiny cock to life, and educates him on the finer points of nipple twisting, clit flicking, and ass slapping. As they lie in his leopard-print bed (what?), tender fondling each other’s tired bodies, Tony walks in and compliments Bobbi’s nudity. Good housekeeping!

Finally, Mona forces Angela and Tony to acknowledge their feelings for each other. It’s the moment fans have been waiting for since 1984, and when India and Anthony have their first cathartic kiss, they seem to really become Tony and Angela, releasing sexual angst we’ve been holding onto for decades. They share a long, delicious fuck, their moans broken only by Tony’s “Ay-Oh!” and Brooklyn-y expletives. He sweats everywhere (as usual), but Angela seems to get into it, and she never slows down.

DCypher was right, the pornstars are eerily close to looking like their primetime counterparts. But it’s not just the mid-fuck imitations that make “Who’s the Boss?” great; there are numerous other points of brilliance. For one, the tension is built steadily and stealthily throughout the film. Tony and Angela rarely share quips that are laugh-worthy (or even laugh track-worthy), but there are some genuine guffaws to be had.

Second, random characters are used well. They are a sad necessity in parody porn, but the ones in this movie do not drag down the plot (that is a compliment). Lexi and Rocco are definite objects of desire, but only incidentally; Sam needs to have a blossoming lesbian experience, Mona constantly needs cock, and there go two people who can satisfy these urges. Even better, the final scene of the film is a 100% random James Deen/Nicole Ray fuck on Mona’s bed, with Mona watching, masturbating, and proving she is The Boss (ha ha).

This last odd nod to the camera says a lot: here are two people in an alien environment, fucking for our amusement. Lee Roy Myers must be making a statement, telling us that we, the viewers, are The Boss, and our insane desire to afflict more TV shows with the mark of pornography (or vice-versa) is driving the production of parody porn.

Most likely, Myers just needed a pleasant way to wrap up the movie.

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Never before in the history of porn parody have we seen such spot on matches to character as we are seeing with New Sensations‘ “Who’s The Boss: A XXX Parody”—which is saying a lot.

With so many parody titles in production, it’s hard sometimes to find the right match of XXX pornstar to real life actor/actress. The last time anyone came this close might have been James Deen as Zack Braff for the Scrubs parody New Sensations did. This time they have really outdone themselves.

For a moment we actually thought that the XXX Samantha, Alyssa Reece, was the real Alyssa Milano! Katherine Helmond and Judith Light never looked so good either! They should be flattered by their XXX counterparts, for sure. Lastly, Anthony Rosano as Danza? Come on! Don’t tell us you don’t see it! It’s right there, clear as the nose on that paisano’s facia! Che cazzo!

Growing up, there were literally hundreds of girls we fantasized about sexing up on television. What can we say? We knew we were lifelong perverts at a very early age. Out of those magnificent daydreams there were three in particular that stood above the rest as cream of the crop. Nicole Eggert from Charles in Charge. Soleil Moon Frye from Punky Brewster. And last, but far from least, Alyssa Milano from “Who’s The Boss?” We would have to wait all the way until Funky Buncher Marky Mark got ahold of her in fear to see the side of her we always believed was underneath, squeezing those sweet cheeks and heading off to have his way with her in the other room. We got another short glimpse of her glorious naked body in “Poison Ivy 2,” but it wasn’t enough. We would have to close our eyes and spank one out in order to get our wish, relying on our imagination to take us the rest of the way there. Now, thanks to New Sensations, we can fantasize about the next best thing with our eyes open.

“Who’s The Boss: A XXX Parody” comes out next week, but we’ve gone and grabbed an exclusive sneak peek set just for you, something to whet your appetite with! One look at sweet little Samantha should be enough to get you drooling out of pretty much every hole. It was for us!

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“Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” is a much better franchise reboot than the Norton/Tyler “The Incredible Hulk” (but I’m still holding out for a porn version of “Stealing Beauty“)… Read on to see how Palin gets downright surreal with a sandwich.

Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin

Studio: Hustler
Director: Axel Braun
Starring: Lisa Ann, Tori Black, Sindee Jennings, Nicole Ray, Alan Stafford, Otto Bauer, Anthony Rosano, Sean Michaels

Review by: Gram Ponante

When last we heard from Lisa Ann-as-Sarah Palin (Jesus, was it three days ago?), she was either in the Levi Johnson gay porn parody, an Eminem video, or the “You’re Nailin’ Palin” interactive title. Now, however, the actual Sarah Palin’s TV deal comes just in time for “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin,” one more reason to believe the rumor that Lisa Ann and Scott Brown are free to be running mates in 2012.

Our story begins as Sarah Palin is still Governor of Alaska. She gets a call from her Hollywood agent that she’s up for a part and needs to head to L.A. At the casting agent’s office, she meets Tina Fey (Sindee Jennings) and, after some tart, girlish banter, they get right to it.

As a scholar and historian, I find it particularly compelling that Jennings played “young Serra” back in 2008 for the first outing in this franchise, back when Hustler was a little antsy and covered its butt by (initially) calling the movie “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?”

Director Braun has matured this series. Unlike the original quickie outings, “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” has a little more production value in it, including a “Mary Tyler Moore Show” takeoff theme song that features live shots of Lisa Ann working the Hollywood Walk of Fame and posing by the Hollywood sign. There are even crane and dolly shots!

Not only that, but the real Palin’s bland ambition leaves ample room for various well-executed Hollywood jokes, like “CSI: Wasilla,” “Alaska’s Next Top Governor” (Otto Bauer plays David Hasselhoff), and a talk show/fuck fest with Cris Angel (played by Alan Stafford).

Most porn movies, shot quickly on a low budget, don’t have much time for cleverness. You can actually see the performers’ heads exploding when they encounter lines.

But “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” is different. Roger Krypton’s script is genuinely funny and, perhaps because the idea is a known quantity in Porn Valley, the cast pulls it off. It also helps that Lisa Ann is playing a morbidly stupid character and can get away with Coakley-ing a line here and there.

It is in the final scene, with veteran (and black!) porn dude Sean Michaels playing an alternate version of Sarah Palin, holding a sausage sandwich that “symbolizes my struggle in a man’s world,” that “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” becomes a Golden Age-era freakshow. It’s very silly and, what’s more important, Lisa Ann’s machine-crafted and well-oiled pornoparts have never looked better.

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Alexis Ford’s Adam & Eve debut, “American Made: Alexis Ford,” has Alexis starring as a head mechanic whose team has been hired to do some work on Tommy Gunn’s fleet of expensive cars…but (naturally) spend their time fucking instead.

American Made: Alexis Ford

Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Jim Malibu
Cast: Alexis Ford, Nicole Ray, Justine Joli, Danni Cole, Isis Taylor, Tommy Gunn, Evan Stone, Kris Slater

We can’t say much about Alexis’s work on cars, but if you’re looking for a team of horny girls to service your wife, your best friend, your employee, and you (twice!)…then you’ve come to the right place.

The plot of this film is not much to speak of–more a series of car-themed innuendos than a storyline–but, given the quality of the acting, it’s probably for the best that Jim Malibu chose to dispense with an elaborate set up and simply cut to the sex. Especially since the sex itself is quite good…assuming you enjoy (or can ignore) repeated puns about revving engines, detailwork, and why men are like cars.

The release gets off to a roaring start with Nicole Ray–apparently jealous of the attention Tommy Gunn is paying to Alexis Ford’s ass–promising to rev Tommy’s “big engine” (and then proceeding to suck and fuck him on the stairs right in front of his mansion’s front door).

Meanwhile, Alexis Ford is lost in the mansion, searching for Tommy’s wife Justine Joli, who’s none too happy about the time and focus Tommy’s cars are taking away from their mutual funds. So naturally, Justine and Alexis fuck. Luckily, they’re both handy enough performers (and beautiful enough girls) that we’re easily able to forget the silly conceit that led to their affair.

Taking a break from the grueling work of auto detailing, Danni Cole sneaks off to the backyard to have some quality time with her vibrator–only to be discovered by (who else?) Evan Stone in a thong speedo. If it were anyone else, we’d have to criticize the supposedly sexy choice of bathing suit–but come on, this is Evan Stone. He can wear what he wants.

Also taking a break from work: Isis Taylor, who sneaks off with Kris Slater (seriously, it’s kind of a miracle these girls get anything done at all). Isis and Kris finish off their whirlwind fuck session with a delicious tit fuck–and, by our count, incorporate the fewest auto puns into the mix, making this one of our favorite scenes.

Capping off the action is Alexis Ford’s scene with Tommy Gunn–and, we might add, the budding starlet’s first ever boy-girl scene. Alexis handily handles Tommy; we’re fairly certain this is but the beginning of a bright career for her. And we’re certainly looking forward to seeing her blossom into a full-fledged star.

As the end credits roll, the female members of the cast remind us that, while most products aren’t manufactured in America anymore, their nubile assets are 100% American made. At least that’s one thing that we, as a country, can be proud of.

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We heard they originally wanted to do “This Ain’t For Whom The Bell Tolls XXX,” but no one will finance a porn with Francisco Franco in it.

This Ain’t Saved By The Bell XXX

Studio: Hustler Video
Director: Axel Braun
Cast: Misty Stone, Missy Stone, Ashlyn Rae, Nicole Ray, April O’Neil, Ally Ann, Ralph Long, Mikey Butders, Eric John, Scott Stone

So, basically, the kids of Bayside High have jumped into another school year, and they’re all 18 now. Before the credits roll, some unnamed rogue flashes a random cheerleader (Nicole Ray) in the showers, and she sucks his dick. Post-facial, the bell rings and the mystery penis runs out of the girls’ locker room and past Lisa (Misty Stone), Kelly (Ashlyn Rae), and Jesse (Missy Stone). That’s about the most important detail. In other news: Screech (Ralph Long) wants Lisa, Slater (Mikey Butders) wants Jesse, and Zack (Scott Stone) wants Kelly.

In the typical parody porn style, Kelly and Zack have the last scene together. Although the tension between them builds throughout the movie, they don’t seem that eager to hump when it comes to it. Kelly arbitrarily decides to get changed for the dance (while sitting in the cafeteria, for some reason), and Zack automatically whips his cock out. I know it’s pointless to complain about the acting in a porno, but they should at least be able to act horny.

Also, a word about Eric John. Remember back when the Seinfeld porn came out? He was great in that (I thought)! He wasn’t necessarily funny, but he at least tried to embody the role of Kramer, er, “Crammer” in his cadence and spastic entrances. But since then, he’s consistently played the same sleepy stand-in with a big cock. His Principal Belding isn’t awful, but it’s saddening. As Sir Laurence Olivier said: acting is overacting, and Mr. Belding sounds like this.

The only things saving these non-existent bells are the extraneous female characters. Sure, it’s great to watch Screech bone Lisa instead of taking her to the dance, but that’s only because Dustin Diamond was out of the picture. The real heroes are Ally Ann, April O’Neil, and Nicole Ray.

Ally Ann plays some random chick who wants to screw Zack and Slater in the hallway for no good reason. Sadly, Zack chickens out because of his Kelly-fidelity. April (who needs to do more movies, even if she’ll only do lesbian scenes) plays an adorable activist nerd who has a finger -painting and -fucking session with Jessie. Nicole is that ubiquitous cheerleader, and not only does she suck the disembodied penis in the first scene, she’s also found underneath Mr. Belding’s desk while he’s disciplining some troublesome youths.

It’s a sad fact that parody porn writers have to rely on artificial fringe characters to make their movies work. I don’t think these extra bodies are inevitable, only that people find it hard to let them go. They’re exceptional (at least by proxy) performances make the main characters look dull, but hey, they give writers and actors a little more freedom and creativity, and a little less worry about keeping with canon.

Hey, writers! Maybe this means you’d be better without the parody.

· Hustler Video (hustlervideo.com)
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* * * * *

Previously: Zoiks! Screech Can Really Go

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Sure, this episode was good, but Will Ryder should probably move on before Cousin Oliver shows up.

Not The Bradys XXX: Pussy Power

Studio: LFP Distribution/X-Play
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Lexi Belle, Dylan Riley, Kacey Jordan, Alana Evans, Lynn Lemay, Ashlyn Rae, Nicole Ray, Tanner Mayes, Mike Horner, Kris Slater, James Deen, Mikey Butders, Ron Jeremy, Eric John, Seth Gamble, Dane Cross

On this episode of “Not The Bradys,” young Jan (now played by Dylan Riley) feels neglected by her family, teachers, and—most of all—the boys at her school. Little does Jan know that all she needs to get a little attention (or tickets to a concert, or good grades) is some Pussy Power. And with that skirting-the-edges-of-sexist comment, let the film begin!

Lucky for Jan, bad girl Tanner Mayes shows up at the Brady Compound and wildly masturbates in Jan’s bed, which somehow introduces her to the world of mature decisions and sexual favors. Jan realizes that the key to Marcia’s success has always been blowjobs, and so her only hope of “being good at something” lies in emulating her big sister.

Meanwhile, everyone else is having sex, looking good in their ‘70s garb, maintaining erections and wholesome imagery, etc. Lexi Belle is the new Marcia, and she fits the role just fine. Her secret romp with the high school quarterback is not only inspirational to the viewer, but to Jan and Cindy as well.

On the male side of things, all is well. James Deen is still adorable as Peter. He somehow manages to look goofy and enthusiastic in the middle of his scene with Tanner, just like good ol’ Christopher Knight. Mikey Butders embodies the coy Bobby Brady just as well. His threesome with Ashlyn Rae and Nicole Ray is one of the finest in Brady family history. Except maybe for that one time Alice stumbled into Mr. and Mrs. B’s bedroom.

But hey, gang! There are some things more disappointing than Jan’s violin playing (insert laugh track here). They still haven’t delivered on that real, slow Sam the Butcher/Alice loving, although the characters talk about it non-stop. However, there is a simulated sex scene in which Alice ducks behind the kitchen island and Ron Jeremy pretends to be fellated most comically. Like most of the humor in Will Ryder parodies, this goes until it becomes awkward, keeps going, and then arbitrarily stops.

All in all, it feels like another Will Ryder movie: the sex is very good, the comedy is very bad, and everyone can feel ok about the lack of Brady-on-Brady boinking. The whole Pussy Power thing is something to think about. We always wondered how Carol convinced a man to take her and her three daughters in; “much more than a hunch” indeed.

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Previously: Fleshbot Babes Archive