There are a ton of phenomenal prepositional phrases readily available in the pornographic lexicon, but we think “Down the Throat” has something special about it. Maybe it’s the sound of the letters, or maybe it’s the visual we get from hearing the phrase, but whatever it is, it instantly lets us know that something dirty is going on and somebody means business.

We love the term “down there.” It’s always said with an italicized voice and a wave of the eyebrows, and no matter what position the speaker is in, you can instantly picture them hiding something sweet and sexy under the tablecloth and between their legs. Such graphic subtlety, you know? It’s a paradox of pubic relations.

It might not be the traditional choice, but it holds the audience quite well, gives them the same number of goosebumps, and won’t give them the nightmares the ghost stories usually produce. If someone hears a raccoon rustling through the garbage, they won’t mistake it for a murderer with a rusty hook hand, they’ll think it’s just Aleksa Nicole looking for a dick to suck–she’s the Tooth Fairy of deep tissue massages!

In the perfect world, all parents would get paid time off to be with their children during their earliest years. Sadly, we’re a long way away from that world, but maybe we can convince the government to send exceptionally-hung studs to the hard working MILFs of America every now and then, maybe with a few vouchers for the fancy lingerie of their choice. So, who wants to write up this We the People petition?

We love excess: it’s in our blood, it’s in our national heritage, it’s why breakfast cereal advertisements always show full glasses of milk next to full glasses of juice. We’ve searched far and wide to find ways to express our love of the cup that runneth over, and we’ve realized that nothing celebrates abundance quite like a bun dance–watch this jelly jiggle and beg to be filled!

Could it be that there have been thirty-seven separate entries in this series, and they’ve all been showcasing unrequited love? It chills us to think so, but if we don’t ask the question now, we’ll never ask it. Where do the big toys want to be? Locked inside a sheath slung across the back of a barbarian warlord? Do these massive plastic dongs secretly yearn to be wrapped in tinfoil so they can express their inner burrito-ness?

It’s April, and the eighteen year-old Catholic schoolgirls of America are anxiously counting down the days until they can get out of their uniforms and join reality. Why don’t you give them a hand? Let your cock be their beacon and your balls the standard bearers of the big wide world that awaits them!

Are you concerned? Do you feel anxious about the sheer area of ass exhibited in this fine film? Don’t worry, we’ll break it down for you. One acre is exactly 43,560 square feet, but fortunately for us, this isn’t a foot fetish film and there are no squares allowed.

A lot, they are a lot sexy. Very much so. Super sexy is them. They are the sex. (This is what happens when Felicia Clover’s tasty thighs make the blood flee from the language centers of our brain to fill other, more attentive parts of the body.)

Because we are Givers, we are much more into the idea of participation rather than just watching attractive women masturbate. But we have to admit that, since we couldn’t be there ourselves, we found “The Art of Masturbation” a worthy substitute.

Counting calories? We all are, but now you don’t have to worry about how many pretty panties you polish off! “My Little Panties 5″ gives you all of the hot, cottony, lacy, frilly flavor you’d find in grown-ass undies but in a smaller, more efficient package (that’s connected to a hot teen pornstar). It’s the Snackwells of panties!

We’re not trying to diss your techniques or skills here; nobody knows your dangly bits like you do. All we’re saying is that it’s nice every now and then to get back to basics. Look at your tools, think about your hands, envision the touching that needs to go down and how it will progress: these are the fundamentals of fucking yourself.

It is nice that porn-watching can still be a journey of discovery.

Who cares if all of Shane Diesel’s stories are the same? All of Grimm’s tales are pretty similar–you know, witches this and forests that–and nobody ever talks smack about those. Think of Shane as the Fairy Godfather who comforts horny wives in their time of need and gives them the good ol’ mother goosing.

Generally speaking, we love big boobs. As long as nobody has any back problems, we’ll take them as blimped out and bouncy as they come. However, we realized recently that this can make hugging difficult, and our sexual fantasies have gone all weird as a result. How can we think about banging Bridgette B. when we can’t fathom getting our arms around her?

Now that old papa Ratzinger is a shepherd without a flock, he must feel somewhat adrift. Fortunately for him, Mike Adriano is a compassionate man, and wishes to offer him a place of importance in the Church of Bootyism. Mike will, of course, remain Ass Pope for life, but he’s willing to let Benedict give out an osculum infame every now and then.

Have you considered putting some pubes in your life? We know it’s a personal question, and everybody has had to do that thing where you stop giving oral to try and sexily remove a hair from your throat, but bushes can be beautiful! And whether your lover keeps it well-manicured or wild, it’s a lot of fun to dig in a lush garden.

We like our ladies to be independent, sassy and brassy and brimming with agency as they stomp around in big (figurative) boots. Sometimes, that’s not an option. Sometimes we deal with ladies who belong to other ladies because of the orgasms they produce in each other. That’s all fine; truth be told, we’d forfeit our freedom in exchange for some mind-bending climaxes, too.

She squeezes her boobs together, tosses them this way and that, licks tiny nipples, but looks approachable, like the woman this morning at Peet’s Coffee (I just realized she reminds me of the friendly cashier at the Peet’s in my old neighborhood).

You asked for more, so New Sensations and Eddie Powell are giving you more in every possible way. “Big Girls Are Sexy” returns to teach us that cushion isn’t just for pushin’, but also for snuggling with and falling asleep upon when said cushion-bearer makes you come so hard that your knees give out.