It’s too damn hot in New York right now, and we have to stay in the office with our broken air conditioner. Where would we rather be? The park. The forest. We long to be outside, frolicking in the fresh air, until we come across a group of babes picnicking in the nude. This is our dream of the moment.

History was never our best subject in school, but we’d like to think that as we get older, we have a greater appreciation for the lessons the past has to offer as well as a new desire to gain wisdom from it. Today we’re going to learn why you should never have sex with Lucrezia Borgia or Henry VIII.

Why did we go with Korean film today? Well, a lot of our favorite steamy movies on Netflix happen to be Korean–”Untold Scandal,” “Sweet Sex and Love,” “Green Chair” come to mind–and on another note, all the recent drama surrounding North Korea has made us pine for tender tales of that divided land.

Today is a sad day for us Netflix lovers because Warner Brothers is taking back 1,794 titles from the Netflix catalog. That’s so many movies! Right now, we need something to pick up our spirits: some women making other women come their brains out should do the trick.

We know we’ve only just begun to talk about “Hemlock Grove” with you, so we hope you’ll forgive us for skipping ahead in the series in order to bring you these steamy scenes starring Emily Piggford as Ashley Valentine. We went from the first episode to the seventh (and even clipped a piece of the eighth) in order to show you just how divine this young actress is.

One of the signs that spring is here is the appearance of winged ants! Why, just the other day, we were sitting on a bench outside the office and realized we were fucking surrounded by swarms and swarms of pulsing, flapping, little bugs trying to screw each other. Needless to say, lunch was cancelled. At least we thought of this Netflix post.

If you’re worried that there’s not enough nudity on TV right now, worry no more! Netflix just premiered a surreal and sexy horror series called “Hemlock Grove,” and the first episode alone is kinked out the pink. Here’s Bill Skarsgard (yes, Alexander’s brother) getting banged in a car while playing with his own blood.

It’s definitely possible to get off while reading. All we’re saying is that it’s difficult, especially if there’s a two-handed method you’re fond of using on yourself. Why not save yourself the paper cuts and kick back on the couch? We’ve got the culture you need.

We know how you feel. You bought that metallic blue Alien Fleshlight with the two clitorises (clitori? clitorae?) and you’ve run out of UFO porn to use it with. Fear not, for the mainstream loves banging aliens as much as the adult industry does, and Netflix has the hook up with hotties from another galaxy!

When we started working on today’s Netflix Picks, we just wanted to showcase some movies that feature graphic masturbation. Coincidentally, we ended up with two French movies that both start with the letter E and feature graphic masturbation. Does this mean French movies that start with E are more likely to show people doing themselves? Yes! (But no, not really.)

Remember the ’70s? It seemed like every time we tried to go on holiday with our gal pals, some kooky calamity would happen and we’d end up babysitting for pervy parents, or get stuck in an all-girl reform school, or maybe we’d be the centerpiece for a blood ritual hosted by horny witches. That stuff happened to us, like, every year.

Yay, it’s officially spring today! You gonna go outside and feel the warmth and balance some eggs? Nope, it’s cold out there. Instead, you’re going to stay inside and get excited for all that spring has to offer, namely boobs out in the open air!

We don’t have any topical reason for showing you two Japanese films today; we just happened to see these in Netflix’s catalog and said, “These are perfectly smutty, sweet, and absurd! The public will enjoy them.” Oh, Netflix, always showing us things we didn’t even know we wanted to see!

Netflix is so consistently stocked with B-movies that you could open your own retro Times Square smut cinema in your living room and never show the same film twice. Then again, you may notice some overlapping between movies, especially when it comes to sexploitation. For example, Netflix has, like, a billion of those Women in Prison films.

The four cities on the shortlist to host the 2016 Summer Olympics were Chicago, Madrid, Tokyo, and Rio de Janeiro. How did Rio win the vote? Well, what do you see in your mind when you picture that Brazilian beach town? A bethonged booty? Exactly. Now that you know how the Olympics get put together, let’s take a look at two films that celebrate the inherent sexiness of that special city.

Nobody on the Fleshbot staff is married, so we don’t have any particularly juicy insights on the institution, but it sure seems like it’s a big deal: cohabitation, jointly-filed taxes, little rings that you freak out about losing, it’s all quite heavy. At least there’s always the wedding to look forward to. And adultery, too!

In real life, we like our significant others to be kind, gentle, warm-hearted people who enjoy spreading love in the world. In our fantasies, we only want to date evil, manipulative babes who treat carnal encounters like chess. Guess which kind of person we’re focusing on for today’s double feature?

The bildungsroman–or, as it’s expressed in softcore cinema, the teen sex romp–is one of our favorite genres because it reminds us of the often humbling and sometimes humiliating trials that every horny human goes through. Most of these films show the coming-of-age of hormonal males, but today we’re taking a look at two flicks that buck the trend and go balls to the wall with blossoming babes.

Hazel Honeysuckle has been tearing it up at Fleshbot Fridays recently–you know, that burlesque show we host at Headquarters Gentlemen’s Club–but despite all the time we’ve spent with her, we had no idea she was going to be on “House of Cards.” What a pleasant surprise this is! What strange deja vu we feel at watching a burlesque dancer we saw at a strip club play a stripper on Netflix!

We know, that sounds like it came out of nowhere, but the new Netflix-produced and broadcast series, “House of Cards,” just delivered one of the hottest sex scenes we’ve seen in a while. Spacey, a scorned politician with a thirst for revenge, is starting up an affair with Kate Mara, a Washington D.C. journalist who’s helping him take down the new president. Hearts get drawn on windows, phone calls to father’s get interrupted, and Mara comes loudly in Spacey’s mouth. Hell yes.