We very much appreciate Magdalena Berus’s attitude towards sex in “Bejbi Blues.” She’s not looking for candlelight or a sensual massage; her aims are simple, her desires are within reach, and when she strips naked in front of you, that’s all the signal you need to know what comes next.

If not for Rio, we never would’ve seen Demi Moore and Michelle Johnson go topless and make Michael Caine uncomfortable! If they had decided to make a movie called “Blame It on Reykjavik,” we’d be lucky to see so much as a shin.

Strippers hanging out with thugs, criminals spending their free time in strip clubs, private dances turning into assassinations: these are classic tropes of the modern crime film. We’re so used to seeing fake breasts and angry, muscly men next to each other that we’re surprised no one’s saved time and made a movie about a bodybuilding stripper mob. But spanking? That’s a fresh treat.

Poor Sammy Smalls (Cristin Milioti) has a crush on a boy who thinks she’s too immature and sexually inexperienced to date. Sammy, don’t listen to that nonsense. You just take your grandma, hit the nearest pool, and go for a naked swim. The water finds you wise, womanly, and sexy as hell. We are inclined to agree with it.

Are you excited about the new season of “Arrested Development” hitting Netflix this weekend? So are we! The show has everything: great writing, brilliant pacing, running gag after running gag, and loads of gorgeous actresses we love to ogle. The fact that “Arrested Development” is full of hotties is often overlooked, but here we are, looking at that fact, telling you where to find their boobs.

It’s too damn hot in New York right now, and we have to stay in the office with our broken air conditioner. Where would we rather be? The park. The forest. We long to be outside, frolicking in the fresh air, until we come across a group of babes picnicking in the nude. This is our dream of the moment.

No, you’re not still dreaming, that is indeed a young Russell Crowe. And if you’re thinking of the Danielle Spencer who played Dee Thomas in “What’s Happening!!” back in the day, you’re thinking of the wrong Danielle Spencer. You need to get your head on straight. It’s Wednesday and there are Australians having sex right in front of you.

How does that sound to you? Good? Great? Like something you wrote about in your diary and are both upset and relieved that someone else brought it to life first? And if that’s not enough, you can also see Sylvia in the bath and lovingly sucking her big toe!

Three friends go on a camping trip on a small, uninhabited island, but they let petty squabbles flare up and they bicker furiously. Then three unhinged soldiers attack them. Do they flee in fear? Yes, at first. But once they swim a freezing lake, strip their clothes off, and huddle together for warmth, they turn into warriors.

What’s a Sienna Miller? It’s a pair of boobs lying back on the bed. Don’t you know from poker? It’s definitely a rare hand–the last time we encountered Sienna was two years ago–but it’s an unforgettable one and powerful to boot! Them tits bring the chips.

Sex in the back of a car? Check. Steamed up windows? Check (way to complete your “Titanic” fantasies, too). Interrupted by friends? You betcha. Only one person orgasms? Yes! You did it! You’re officially ready to be an adult now; stress about auto insurance will prevent you from ever again fucking in the backseat.

What is sex like for a sleepwalker? We’re not talking about sexsomnia, which we’ve seen in hyper-stylized action. Is there a chance that Maria Yasnaya here could be eaten out so well that she falls asleep and awakes in an orgasmic trance? Has that ever happened to you?

A German couple and their son relocate to Hammerfest, Norway, where the sunless days and the stress of new work start to pull them apart. Then Maria, the mother, accidentally hits a girl with her car and the family must hide the terrible secret from the town. Incidentally, this heals Maria’s marriage! Ain’t life screwy?

We know you have places to go and stuff to do, but if you could just slow it down for a moment, you’d feel right as rain. Instead of running around and scrubbing like a maniac in your shower, you should sit down and sensually pour water all over your bod. You’ll feel like a goddess!

We know you don’t want to get out of bed, and neither does Marion, but when that alarm goes off she’ll be leaping out of those sheets like a lizard. So whether you’re looking for some subtle gropage beneath the covers or are hoping to see a flash of full frontal, you better prepare yourself and get it while it’s hot.

Did you catch “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters”? Perhaps you didn’t want to watch a story about a badass Hansel who has diabetes after being force fed candy as a child (we think it makes him a uniquely interesting hero). Anyhow, you missed a young witch getting buck ass naked in a pool in the woods and hooking up with Hansel.

No, she doesn’t really have a sex tape, but she does play herself in “He’s Way More Famous Than You,” in which she tries to make her star rise by filming herself screwing her boyfriend (sounds familiar). In some twisted way, it’s almost like Halley has a sex tape, but it’s not enough to earn this post a “sex tape” tag.

And you know, this is really one of those smooching pairs we never would’ve dreamed up on our own–probably because we tend to think of Rooney as Lisbeth Salander and Catherine as “that woman from ‘Zorro.’” We know, we’re small-minded. Nonetheless, this is a very special moment for everyone, for libidos around the world, and we urge you to forget about the part of the plot that includes pharmaceutical evils and sleepwalking murder.

Lea Seydoux is one of those gals we can never get enough of, though sadly, there’s rarely much of her to go around. The last time we saw her was August of 2012–that’s too long for our liking! So when something like this happens, something like a few seconds of Lea taking off her top and letting her breasts briefly bounce, we have to make the most of it.

The award for Most Creative Way to Prevent Nipples from Showing in a Sexy Situation goes to Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes! Yes, as much as it pains us to say, we like what they’ve done here. If you must have something conveniently block nudity from our vision, let it be another human’s hands resting gently (or not so gently) on the naughty bits.