Justine Joli is in command. She knows what she wants from this world, and right now, she needs a well-trained slave who will fulfill her every desire. Can she find such a woman, and if she can, can she craft the fresh young mind into the come-hungry pet she wants?

Why is massage porn so popular these days? We waxed pornographic about it a few days ago when we previewed “Erotic Massage Stories,” but we didn’t really get to the heart of the matter. We’re all extremely tense these days! Nobody gets enough sleep, nobody keeps an eye on their posture, and all we want from the world is somebody who will unlock all the knots in our backs and then bang us senseless.

It’s May, and you know what that means: students all over the world are stressing the brains out about finals and grades and such. What’s the best they can get, 4.0? If they take a lot of AP classes, they can raise it up to 5.0. If they let the assistant principal bend them over the desk and feast on their fanny, that has to at least be worth 6.0–it’s only fair.

Chastity Lynn landed a sweet babysitting gig looking after Dana DeArmond’s youngster, but Dana’s stories about her ex-husband are filling Chastity with a bitter hatred for a man she’s never met. What do you think will happen with Chastity finally meets Dana’s ex? Do you think there’ll be banging? Yep!

In case you didn’t get the memo, nobody shakes hands anymore. For one, it’s an outdated mode of expression that many cultures don’t practice. Second, your hand is the germiest part of your body. Third, nothing says “I’m down with the program” quite like the overwhelming tightness and genital unity of a good double penetration. Keep this in mind for your next business meeting.

Erik Everhard has a new love in his life, but he’s also a regular and somewhat rambunctious swinger who’s a regular face in the local scene. Is he willing to give up his social life for the woman of his dreams, or will he try to have his cake and fuck everyone else’s cake, too?

One of the great injustices of our time is that only people with children have easy access to babysitters. It’s not enough that these people get to bring new rays of sunshine into the world–they also have intimate relationships with some of the hardest working and most attractive young humans ever! Since it’s too darn creepy to borrow a kid for the purposes of babysitter boffing, Reality Junkies offers the following tales through which we can live vicariously.

By our count, the age-bending sex and hardcore humping that goes down in “The Stepmother 8″ will mess up one marriage for sure, and possibly interfere with the foundation of a second marriage. But who knows if it’ll stop there? It’s possible that after watching this film, you’ll be inspired to leave your wife for her hot mom. It’s sinspirational cinema.

How is it that these teens are able to handle such big penises? It’s the question we ask every time we look at a film from this series, but we think we’ve finally figured out the answer: spit. Yes, all it takes is a little (make that a lot) of saliva and mucus to get the dick all slick and slippery and ready for action. You could also use some store-bought lubricant, but for the personal touch that shows you care, nothing says lovin’ like something from the lower reaches of your esophagus.

God help you if you get in the way of Allie Haze and her girl loving. She will tear through and leave you looking like Swiss cheese if you so much as stand between her and London Keyes’s pussy. Rumor has it that Dana Vespoli had to stand behind bulletproof glass while directing Allie, lest The Haze turn on her and pull her into the scene!

Fear not, fair lasses of the world, for though the battlefield of love is harsh and unforgiving, you can easily fall into a foxhole and find a man with permanent stubble, tattoos from his younger wilder days, and a bit of a paunch that looks charming on his muscular frame, and you can spend endless hours in bed counting each other’s rings with the tips of your tongues.

It sure has been a while since we’ve seen Nica Noelle directing movies for Mile High Media, but here she is, and she’s brought her classic kit of drama bombs with her: money, power, love, betrayal, and lots and lots of pussy eating. It’s nice to have you back, Nica.

What makes people fall in love? There’s a huge question. We don’t know about most of the hoi polloi, but as far as the couples in this fine film are concerned, they all doubled up so they’d have an easier time hopping into group sex scenarios. The best part about being a twosome is that you’re always primed for a threesome!

This edition of “Lesbian Office Seductions” is special because all of the action revolves around “the city’s top advertising firm for feminine products.” It’s all about ladies being in charge of other ladies who are trying to appeal to consumer ladies by way of their lady parts. Is that too much lady for you? Then you are in the wrong place.

Normally, we think the dudes who go after their girlfriends’ moms are just trying to pass of horniness as true love and asking for pointless trouble. This time, we empathize with the protagonist a little more: his girlfriend’s mom was a high school teacher of his, and he’s always wanted to bone her.

It’s cool that we have a “Mother Lover’s Society” in this country, but has anybody ever stopped to figure out what their tenets are? Or why there are now eight distinct units currently operating without any apparent central organization? Could it be that the “Mother” is the Motherland and “Society” is an allusion to socialism? We’re just saying Skin Diamond eats pussy like a Soviet agent, that’s all.

We have yet to find out how the families of the “Filthy Family” series got to be so open and constant with their sexual activities, but as soon as we find out, we’re going to write the next big self help book based on their origins. So far, our best guess is that the entire household mixed up their daily multivitamins with horny goat weed and yohimbe bark.

We think it’s funny that you can insert the words “Fifty,” “Shades,” and/or “Grey” anywhere you want to communicate fetishy sex to people. Somewhere, a manufacturer of Venetian blinds is rolling in dough because they started marketing their wares as “Fifty Pieces of Plastic That Throw Shades and Make Your Room All Grey.”

Where would society be without girls kissing girls? Probably nowhere good, probably still in the Dark Ages. People credit modern civilization to a lot of different things–agriculture, social contracts, alcohol–but we know in our heart of hearts that the tender lip-lock of two babes is the only thing that drives humanity forward.

If anybody’s going to be doing the corrupting around here, we’re glad it’s these pervy teens and not their teachers. We know, we’re employing a double standard, but we’re not trying to be ageist about it. All we’re saying is that it’s a beautiful thing when a grown ass man gets a blowjob from Cindy Starfall and realizes what spectacular oral sex he’s been missing his whole life.