She squeezes her boobs together, tosses them this way and that, licks tiny nipples, but looks approachable, like the woman this morning at Peet’s Coffee (I just realized she reminds me of the friendly cashier at the Peet’s in my old neighborhood).

How can anyone look at this picture of Bridgette B. simultaneously titfucking and sucking a cock and not get excited? “Nope, sorry, that’s not for me,” say the Negative Nancies of the world, who go home and have nightmares about busty women destroying skyscrapers with their tits. Such a silly fear! If these ladies wanted to bring the world to its knees, they would’ve done it already.

Most folks we know would call it an extreme privilege to get their hands in Kagney Linn Karter’s panties. And they would be right. It’s a hospitable environment for those allowed to enter, and it’s a place where magic happens. You might end up with a dove or a bunny in your hands, or a bouquet of flowers or sparkling fistfuls of confetti. Or, you might end up with fingers slicked down with sweet and luscious Kagney juice. Whatever the situation, it’s bound to be divine.

We do not hold it against the lovely Molly Bennett that she apparently can’t play a goddamned note on that piano.

Some people say that children are the future, and we heartily disagree with them. Barely legal belles who dress up in Catholic schoolgirl uniforms are the future, for they remind us that life is about learning, and even when you’re done with formal schooling, you’re constantly taking in new information and growing as a person. Step one for growing as a person: put on a schoolgirl uniform.

Students these days are stressing so hard that they end up with OCD and ADHD and other wack acronyms weighing their brains down, and we think someone needs to tell them, “Yo, youths between the ages of eighteen and twenty-six, you should skip school today and have a lot of anal sex with Mark Ashley. You will learn nothing save for the unique joys that come from awakening the delicate nerves of your ass.”

Millions of fathers got some extra special loving from their spouses on Sunday; the air over many suburbs was thick with the fog of thigh sweat, come drips, and contentedness. Imagine what the world would be like if those dads were married to the “Dirty Rotten Mother Fuckers” of “Dirty Rotten Mother Fuckers 5″: nobody would ever see their parents again!

What is New Sensations going for with this title? We know we should be focusing on Jenna J. Ross getting shagged into the carpet by Mr. Pete, but we can’t enjoy this high quality porn until we figure out why a period was chosen over a slash. Or a hyphen. Or even nothing! Could this be Eddie Powell’s subtle homage to “After.Life”?

From the gang called Schoolgirls With Game! When she’s called off, she’ll lick your balls off, take a facial then movies get hauled off! We’re sorry. We’ll stop rapping over the porn (that’s Brian Pumper’s territory anyway).

The raw power, the near-sadistic control, and the absurd yet alluring gothic lolita outfits of “The Innocence of Youth” make it one of our favorite porn films. We wrote about that thing three separate times! And we’re so stoked about the sequel’s arrival that we’re giving you a bunch of photos and the trailer. You know you’re excited.

Little spinning minx Remy La Croix might just become the poster girl for the Ant-Masturbation Lobby for her brave Schlong Quest in the film “Innocent But Nasty.”

We love the idea of someone being “Innocent But Nasty.” Not only is this a refreshingly direct title for a teen-centric porn film, but it also suggests that nastiness is part of nature; these girls are freaky in ways that can’t be learned from their peers or magazines, and we hope that they never lose this perverted purity.

If you’ve got a thing for pleated skirts, torn dress shirts, high socks, and headbands, then look no further than New Sensations’s latest collection of slutty schoolgirl scenes. This also works if you have a thing for babes from the 1990′s because these girls wear hella plaid.

This is for all those times you went to yoga class, got through five minutes of stretching, and then had to excuse yourself because your sweatpants couldn’t hide your hard-on. Now you can sit at home, watch females get their flex on, and appreciate the fact that you can’t spell “gymnast” without “nasty.”

Instead of siccing her lawyers on anyone who hosts that questionable sex tape, we think Tulisa Contostavlos should embrace a sexier side of herself, ignore the tape, and start searching for the world’s next big pornstar. FOX doesn’t need another “American Idol” clone; they need big, penetrated asses. That’s what America really wants!

ExxonMobile, BP, and now Chris Streams. These bastards think they can spill oil everywhere and still make money off it it? How dare they! At least Chris is only guilty of spilling mineral oil, and the only wildlife he’s impacted has been a handful of naked pornstars. Ok, we guess

You know what’s funny? Even though this entire movie is supposed to be in black and white, all of the promotional pictures came to me in color. If you want to find out what shade of eggplant Samira’s nipples are, please ask me! If not, that’s cool too. Color isn’t

You might think this movie is highly Jenna-centric, but we insist that this movie is cheating us out of some real Jenna Haze action. We envision a film in which you battle Ms. Haze in a two-hour long staring contest. But that’s not really pornographic (except for how you eventually

When I found out that Vouyer Media was doing a movie about sexsomnia, I thought someone was finally telling the story of the NREM Arousal Parasomnia that millions of people (including me) deal with. Actually, this movie is about Alexis Texas fucking her sleepy boyfriend. Sexsomnia Studio: Vouyer Media Director:

When there are tights in your way, peeling them off can break the momentum of a sex scene. That’s why we’re glad Mark Ashley said, “Fuck it,” and simply tore into Kiera King’s tights. Who neatly unwraps their birthday presents, anyway? It’s way more fun to rip the paper to