Y’all know I’ve got basically every kind of sex toy under the sun. I love and appreciate them all for their differences and particular merits. One thing that’s eluded me in all my years of toying, however, is the simplest, the most basic and fundamental of toys: the dildo. That’s it — the straight-up dildo. I guess I was taken in by all the bells and whistles of space-age future toys that I let this elemental tool escape me. My bad.

It’s time for yet another clittastic Japanese adventure, courtesy of the versatile R-1 Controller — this time I’m exploring its sophisticated wank attachment called “Feel Mont Blanc”. I’m not sure my whacksperience was akin to mounting the highest Alpine peaks, but it was pretty exhilarating nonetheless. There’s more than meets the eye to this little guy.

Quiet as a clit-rockin’ mouse, the Crave Solo is. It’s true; there’s much to love about this elegant little vibe, but the quality that resonated most with me was its extremely subtle sound. That’s not to say this delightful dainty doesn’t pack a punch, though. Its purr rumbles like a lion, but at the volume of a kitty. And it’s kind of my newest little pet now.

I hadn’t really ventured much into the realm of sensual massage before… The only rubdowns I’d indulged in were basically hand or mouth-to-dick contact. I’m an advocate of prolonged foreplay, and touching people is cool, so it looks like there’s really no reason for me to shy away from this. Babeland’s Massage Candle makes it easy, fragrant, and slightly BDSMy — hey, I can get on board with that.

It’s no secret most chicks have a bit of a love affair with their Magic Wand-style Cadillac vibes. I am no different. Mine actually resides in a little nook right beside my bed, always plugged in and at the ready. We’re quite close. So, imagine my excitement when I found that accessories for my lovely friend exist — accessories made to harness that stupendous power and focus it on the g-spot. It’s like getting new clothes for your favorite doll, but with way more body-rockin’ orgasms involved (well, depending how you get your kicks).

There’s a huge variety of dick-shaped toys out there that vibrate, pulse, and wiggle up a storm — but they all require one fucking oneself with them. Enter Fun Factory’s Stronic Pulsator: a toy that aims to bang you as a lover would. Or at least simulate the thrusting that that entails. But is it an adequate substitute for when that booty-call falls through?

Both of these sound delightfully sweet, but — en garde! It’s an epic battle of the bunny vibes, and we’re taking ‘em to task. In the ring: the $23 Bunny Kiss, up against its weightier cousin, the $89 Sugar Pop. Which sent us floating into a fluffy, luscious Candyland?

This little potion aims to pack a big punch, promising “a delightfully warm tingling sensation that takes already hot experiences over the top”. And, to be honest, I didn’t put much stock in its promise. Topical things — extended play lube, fiery/icy condom gimmicks — have always fallen flat for me. Nevertheless, I figured touching myself is better than not touching myself, and dabbing my fingers in this little tin first wouldn’t be any harm. But was it truly delightful?

Ah, RendS Japan and their R-1 Base Unit strike again. This versatile toy’s standard vibe and Predator Wand attachment have certainly given me some thrills. But this go-round, I’m taking the U.F.O. (Unidentified Fascinating Object) for a literal spin. It’s a crazy nipple stimulator that basically takes your tits on the Gravitron.

Despite any positive or negative feelings about it, I can truly say I’ve never used any toy quite like the Pure Wand. It’s 24 whopping ounces of solid stainless steel in the form of a smoothly curved shaft topped with a one inch and one-and-a-half inch ball at either end. Created as the ultimate indulgence in G-spot or P-spot (prostate) stimulation, does this hefty hitter deliver the knockout?

I’ve got a dildo problem. They’re overflowing from boxes under my bed, bursting forth from my closet, and it seems nearly every knock on the door brings another vibrating baby to my toy-laden arms*. But the Vanity Vr16 — this one I was actually anticipating, anxiously awaiting its arrival to my agglomeration. I’m familiar with its Vr kin, and they are good.

A wink can be a cutesy, charming flirtation that gets one’s attention in oh-so-subtle a manner. Just as quickly it can become a a sleazetastic creeper move that gives one the willies. The Wink by Crave falls into the former category, and backs up its coquetry with a powerful vibrating motor that turns that tease into a sweet and enchanting orgasm machine.

This big plastic vice looks like the sort of thing you’d steal from an ancient temple dedicated to the worship of the yoni, but I assure you that it’s new, unique, and 100% devoted to the pleasing of your penis. Meet the VerSpanken, the freshest fuck toy to earn a permanent place in my collection!

This is a cat o’ nine tails style flogger of soft and slappy suede, with a beautiful, hand-blown handle. That acts as a dildo. I’m not sure if this is common on the whip market, but my mind was sort of blown. And then my (figurative) load. I’m kind of a slave for you now, Icicles whip.

Couple’s toys are a curious thing: done well, they can beautifully enhance a sexual experience; done poorly, and they’re a clunky intruder on your sexy times. But even the best of them usually require an initially awkward introduction whereby the couple figures out how to use the toy in their sex play. JimmyJane’s Hello Touch, on the other hand, seamlessly enhances the sexual experience by taking an essential element of sex–touch–and making it better.

You may remember when Ottimo put his dick at the mercy of the A10 Cyclone. That particular toy is just one of a whole host of add-ons created for use with the R-1 Controller, an amazing little wonder that serves as matriarch for a crazy Japanese sex gizmo lineage. There are apparati for dudes, chicks, dude/chicks or anyone with stimulatory parts — and today I’ve given the oddly named Predator Wand a whirl. And, well, I’m game.

Has it been another year already? It’s been such a beautiful and endorphin-filled blur of sex toy testing! Some experiences have been more rewarding than others, and some tests have made us fear for our safety and sanity, but it was all worth it. Finally, after much sweat and lube has been expended, we have a list of the ten best sex toys on the market in 2012.

For over a decade, Aneros has been producing the preeminent prostate massager. Beginning with a single signature design, they’ve expanded their line to include a whole host of ways to tickle the prostate. And now, having conquered that territory, they’ve set their sites on a whole new erogenous zone: say hello to Evi, Aneros’s first toy for the female prostate (or as you might know it, the g-spot).

In my experience, sex toys that try to recreate blowjobs fight an uphill battle. The human mouth is dynamic, it’s a strange mix of hard rocks and soft wet pads, and people put a lot of personality into their sucking styles. Still, even though the HEPS Fantastic System can’t blow kisses or lick balls, it’s hands-down the best fellatio simulator I’ve ever had the fortune of using.

I always get excited when I get a box of sex toys from Japan. The things they do with silicone and suction are always amazing, creative, and thought-provoking, and I usually end up blowing my wad simply because the future of sex toys looks so bright. This time, I received a package that contained the A10 Cyclone and thought, “This looks like a wang mangler.”