Housekeeper Selena Rose has a secret trick that keeps her from being jittery when the INS comes sniffing around employer Manuel Ferrara’s house: she fucks anyone.

I don’t read other people’s porn eviews, because it’s like sleeping on dubious sheets. But I did look at the boxocver copy of Digital Playground’s “La Boutique,” and it provided an excellent summary, complete with italics:

Hmm, crack jokes on a post about butt sex. Poor taste? Welcome to Fleshbot! Give us your conspiracy theories and we’ll give you a pun about gaping anuses. Act now and we’ll throw in a joke about Rick Ross for free! (If we can think of one before this post goes up.)

We have a love-hate relationship with bras, but we don’t think they should be torn asunder by huge breasts. Even on days when we curse them for getting in the way of total boob visibility, the worst we imagine for them is being turned into water balloon slingshots; creative doom, but not destruction. So how are we supposed to feel about the fourth installment of a porn series that ignores the bra’s feelings and it’s God-given right to support flesh?

It’s May, and you know what that means: students all over the world are stressing the brains out about finals and grades and such. What’s the best they can get, 4.0? If they take a lot of AP classes, they can raise it up to 5.0. If they let the assistant principal bend them over the desk and feast on their fanny, that has to at least be worth 6.0–it’s only fair.

You know how some realtors bake cookies to lure buyers? Well, Jesse Jane has sex with them. SOLD!

And yet, we think spelunking is a much more accurate term for what’s going on here. Yes, these gentlemen are taking a plunge into an anus, but plunge implies water is involved and plunger brings up some other unsexy connotations. Spelunking, however, is all about exploration and safety; that’s exactly the kind of mood we want to set for this butt sex bonanza.

Erik Everhard’s sister is coming to visit, and he’s very nicely asked his studly roommates not to have sex with her. Sorry, Erik: you forgot to put “Not Fucking My Sister” on the chore wheel, so nobody has to do what you say.

When people think of pipelines, the only oil overload that comes to mind is a picture of someone’s backyard completely flooded with vile black sludge. If TransCanada can convince people that the new Keystone XL will help keep Nikki Benz’s boobs drenched with baby oil for titfucking fun, public opinion may shift in their favor.

The girl had a rough week, she’s all tense and stressed out, but fortunately, she’s treating herself to a nice massage. We don’t know where Manuel learned to give a back rub or who gave him his license, but we’re most definitely impressed with his balls-deep tissue massage.

One of the great injustices of our time is that only people with children have easy access to babysitters. It’s not enough that these people get to bring new rays of sunshine into the world–they also have intimate relationships with some of the hardest working and most attractive young humans ever! Since it’s too darn creepy to borrow a kid for the purposes of babysitter boffing, Reality Junkies offers the following tales through which we can live vicariously.

Horny European vampires. This porn writes itself. All of a sudden intense nipple clamp torture and clothespins on the face and choking and fishnets and public fucking and blacklight paint and lines like “you need to learn to control yourself” all make a little more sense in the context of eternal vampire hedonistic orgies. Of course, a Rocco Siffred flick would have all those things even if there were no vampires, but this puts a nice new twist on some time-worn material.

Jesse Jane is a superstar romance novelist whose books have been burning up the shelves and filling the fantasies of countless readers, but her life lacks the passion she writes about. A gal can only scribble sexy ideas down for so long before they start to seep into her brain, and Jesse has reached the point where she’s desperately craving real, fleshy, nasty human contact.

Dana Vespoli’s first (and highly anticipated) feature for Evil Angel is as economical as it is trippy; it’s the type of movie informed by the Golden Age of Porn but executed with 21st century sensibilities; there’s a clear—if surreal—narrative that shapes itself around the sex, which is both hard and compelling. No arty cutaways that make us forget it’s a porn film.

How is it that these teens are able to handle such big penises? It’s the question we ask every time we look at a film from this series, but we think we’ve finally figured out the answer: spit. Yes, all it takes is a little (make that a lot) of saliva and mucus to get the dick all slick and slippery and ready for action. You could also use some store-bought lubricant, but for the personal touch that shows you care, nothing says lovin’ like something from the lower reaches of your esophagus.

Manuel Ferrara is the owner of La Boutique, a small lingerie store that’s having some serious trouble turning profits. Why would Manuel Ferrara own a lingerie store? Hey, Nick Manning and a handful of other pornstars actually ran such a store in Encino, California. Could “La Boutique” be a riff on Manning’s “LA Exotique”? Probably not, but we’re going to pretend so.

Poor Erik Everhard can’t seem to score with a babe; not one gosh darn cutie will touch his penis! And he’s so tired of watching his roommate, Manuel Ferrara, have anal sex with girls on the regular. So, he gets set up on a blind date with Selena Rose. That should cure what ails him! Or will it?

We know what you’re thinking: “Didn’t we just see a Digital Playground movie about people trading significant others in order to satisfy some twisted bet last week?” You’re absolutely right, we did. Maybe somebody at Digital Playground is really itching to screw his best friend’s girlfriend. (Maybe everybody on Earth feels that way.)