Allure’s annual “Look Better Naked” issue came out a while ago, and we thought we were done thinking about Allure for the rest of the year. How wrong we were! Zoe Saldana took it all off for their cameras and her fine foxy ass is going in the June issue. Way to shake things up, Allure!

Well this sure is refreshing. Instead of being interviewed about holidays and sports and that nonsense, Zoo lets Melissa and Daisy duke it out with a series of their raunchiest sex stories! Sex in a tent, while driving, in a field, and even in a sand bunker on a golf course: these girls are dirty and willing to dish them deets.

Badder than old King Kong, meaner than a junkyard dog? Let’s not cast aspersions on her character like that. For all we know, Lauren could spend her spare time volunteering at homeless shelters and teaching orphans to read. Just because she puts on a few jewels and shows her tits and becomes a lean mean mama, that doesn’t mean she’s Cruella de Vil.

Is it fair to say they discovered her? It depends how you feel about Christopher Columbus. Nabilla Benattia is a Swiss model and very popular personality on French reality TV. At least Zoo is quick to admit their tardiness to the party: “We’ve scouted the world for a new Kim Kardashian–but it turns out we should’ve just hopped on a cross-channel ferry…”

You know what? Everybody deals with chairs and tables differently and at different paces, and Polina has to do what she has to do. If she has to get totally naked and grind up on furniture until she figures it out or gets too full of splinters to keep trying, then gosh darnit, we’re going to watch. We owe that to her.

You get one big boobed brunette (India Reynolds) sharing her thoughts and opinions on ninety-nine other brunettes (celebrities, models, socialites, etc), and before you know it, everything you see is brown–or rather, very many shades of brown, from chestnut and auburn to mahogany and chocolate. We’re just happy they didn’t call this “100 Shades of Brunette.”

We love tide pools! They’re tiny, rich, isolated worlds that come alive with the rhythm of the waves–just like Miranda Kerr. She might not have sea anemones and hermit crabs scuttling around her, but she still makes a very important dent in the sand, and we’d love to dip our hands into her cool, refreshing, educational waters.

Happy St. George’s Day! Ok, we’re actually very late to celebrate this, but we have a number of excuses. Firstly, we’re not British, so we’re new at this. Secondly, if you look at the Gregorian calendar, St. George’s Day is actually on May 6th, which is today. Thirdly, we didn’t feel comfortable mentioning this auspicious day without the help of a gorgeous topless woman, and it took us a while to find Summer St. Claire.

When you’re alone and life is making you lonely, you can always look down at your chest! At least, some of us can, namely Elsa Hosk. All she has to do is tilt her head and marvel at the breasts that are so near perfection that must’ve been made from a magic mannequin, and her troubles all melt away.

Or, from another angle, she’s nearly naked and that makes us go “Daaaamn, girl.” It’s not that we’re surprised–we expect Miley to keep pushing the envelope and we know Mario Testino always brings the raunch dressing–it’s just that Miley is about a skip, hop, and a jump away from being the next alt queer pornstar of your dreams and we wonder if she knows that.

We never would’ve thought to dress up Rhian Sugden like Catherine Tramell, and frankly, we’re embarrassed about that. Rhian makes a smoking hot Sharon Stone, and we think she should star in a series of spreads based on other Stone films: Casino, Total Recall, The Quick and the Dead, let’s keep ‘em coming.

Babes posing next to cars? Played out. Babes next to motorcycles? Makes us concerned for their safety. Babes grinding on helicopters? Hell yes, they’re surprisingly safe, can fit an intimate pair, and evoke some Leonardo da Vinci vibes that we find incredibly sexy.

Yes, of course she is. That’s one of those artsy questions used to emphasize the eye-catching power of fine gems and elegantly worked metals. “Oh, she’s not naked with her diamonds on!” Yeah dude, she is naked. She’s just fancy naked.

Take a guess. It’s the fucking, right? Yeah, sort of! More precisely, it’s the energetic, back-arching, sweat-drenching, piston-powered loins of fire style fucking that James is known for that helps keep him looking so lean and mean. But there’s more to it than that! Read and learn!

First of all, we’re sorry for reminding you of Kevin Federline at a time when you’ve probably completely forgotten about him. Secondly, we’re not saying this woman is dating K. Fed (as far as we know). The connection between them is that her name is Julia Popazova, and Federline has a song called “Popozao,” which means “big ass,” and Julia has a rather nice and plump posterior!

Guess who’s on the cover of the latest Village Voice? Supreme Commandress Stoya, that’s who, and beneath her lovely face it says, “The Prettiest Girl in New York [line break] Is a Porn Star.” You hear that, universe? She’s ours. We called her the prettiest so she has to love us now because that’s how it works. Fourth grader logic, go!

Mmhmm, guess you thought Nuts had it all wrapped up with the World’s 100 Best Boobs, huh? Wrong. Here comes Zoo with a list of the hottest women in the world–not body part specific or nothing like that–and they have one more woman than Nuts does. Shit is about to get so real on magazine stands around England.

Once again, Treats! Magazine has offered up a wordless short film that is every bit as sexy as it is chilling. The young Audra Marie offers herself to a rich older man, but the price he pays will be more than he bargained for–and the same can be said for Audra, too. We don’t want to give much away, because this video goes places we definitely didn’t expect.

Gosh, it sure didn’t take long for us to fall in love with Laura Haddock, did it? One minute she’s dressed all fiery and topless on “Da Vinci’s Demons,” and the next she’s telling jokes and showing off her insanely sexy legs for Esquire. She’s been in quite a few movies and TV shows on the other side of the pond, but now that she’s in American homes and hearts, Laura Haddock is a big deal. It makes us feel kind of proud!

We’re not saying these boobs aren’t spectacular, we’re just saying that they’re mostly from America and the U.K. and 93% of them are white. What we need is a lad’s mag that’s willing to scour every inch of the Earth, climb to remote mountainside villages, and find the hidden breasts of legend.