It’s too damn hot in New York right now, and we have to stay in the office with our broken air conditioner. Where would we rather be? The park. The forest. We long to be outside, frolicking in the fresh air, until we come across a group of babes picnicking in the nude. This is our dream of the moment.

Despite being around for a few years, Jenna J. Ross doesn’t have that many movies under her belt, but she makes such a strong impression in every scene that she’s quickly become one of porn’s favorite starlets. On our part, we haven’t been in love with a diastema like this since we first fell for Belladonna!

History was never our best subject in school, but we’d like to think that as we get older, we have a greater appreciation for the lessons the past has to offer as well as a new desire to gain wisdom from it. Today we’re going to learn why you should never have sex with Lucrezia Borgia or Henry VIII.

Is now the best time to look at Allie Haze’s filmography and pick our five favorite scenes? Will there ever be a “best time”? Should we have waited until after we saw her “Emmanuelle” debut? These are the anxieties that plague us; actually, these were the anxieties that did plague us, until we looked at Allie’s tight ass and drifted off into chillness.

Why did we go with Korean film today? Well, a lot of our favorite steamy movies on Netflix happen to be Korean–”Untold Scandal,” “Sweet Sex and Love,” “Green Chair” come to mind–and on another note, all the recent drama surrounding North Korea has made us pine for tender tales of that divided land.

The sight of Tom Byron worshipping at the altar of Julie Cash’s ass made us mighty jealous, and we decided we have to find a way to do the same. Unfortunately, we’re thousands of miles away from Julie (also we’re not pornstars) so we’ll have to worship from afar. This post is our face and her honor sits upon it!

Today is a sad day for us Netflix lovers because Warner Brothers is taking back 1,794 titles from the Netflix catalog. That’s so many movies! Right now, we need something to pick up our spirits: some women making other women come their brains out should do the trick.

She’s a San Francisco native, a night person, and just yesterday we saw her handle massive objects with her butt in “Anal Overload.” Jayden Lee is our kind of lady.

One of the signs that spring is here is the appearance of winged ants! Why, just the other day, we were sitting on a bench outside the office and realized we were fucking surrounded by swarms and swarms of pulsing, flapping, little bugs trying to screw each other. Needless to say, lunch was cancelled. At least we thought of this Netflix post.

We’re not saying these boobs aren’t spectacular, we’re just saying that they’re mostly from America and the U.K. and 93% of them are white. What we need is a lad’s mag that’s willing to scour every inch of the Earth, climb to remote mountainside villages, and find the hidden breasts of legend.

The sight of Rachel all slathered in oil got us thinking about this terrific Texan and all she’s done for our fantasies. Her height, mighty boobs, and confident swagger have placed her on the marketing fence between MILF and teen, but to us, she’s just Rachel: nasty, tasty, leggy, athletic, nasty Rachel. Did we mention she’s nasty? Like, Janet Jackson status.

It’s definitely possible to get off while reading. All we’re saying is that it’s difficult, especially if there’s a two-handed method you’re fond of using on yourself. Why not save yourself the paper cuts and kick back on the couch? We’ve got the culture you need.

By our count, Ana Foxxx is the least experienced pornstar to appear in one of Elegant Angel’s “Porn’s Top Black Models” films, and that alone is worth some serious props. She’s also received nominations from AVN and UrbanX–not bad for somebody who’s only been working that booty for about a year in the industry!

We know how you feel. You bought that metallic blue Alien Fleshlight with the two clitorises (clitori? clitorae?) and you’ve run out of UFO porn to use it with. Fear not, for the mainstream loves banging aliens as much as the adult industry does, and Netflix has the hook up with hotties from another galaxy!

Phoenix motherfucking Marie, y’all: you know the name, you know the butt, you know the power contained in this mighty performer, and if you know what’s good for you, you will drop to your knees and worship her. It was painful to only pick five scenes for this woman, but we did it, and we think you’ll enjoy them (there’s even a full free scene waiting for you)!

When we started working on today’s Netflix Picks, we just wanted to showcase some movies that feature graphic masturbation. Coincidentally, we ended up with two French movies that both start with the letter E and feature graphic masturbation. Does this mean French movies that start with E are more likely to show people doing themselves? Yes! (But no, not really.)

She’s not just a pretty face and a tasty body; Adrianna Luna has been studying Muay Thai and Mixed Martial Arts for years upon years. She’s also a Penthouse Pet, NightMoves’s Best New Starlet, and an all-around amazing performer. Come, groove upon these spectacular scenes with us!

Remember the ’70s? It seemed like every time we tried to go on holiday with our gal pals, some kooky calamity would happen and we’d end up babysitting for pervy parents, or get stuck in an all-girl reform school, or maybe we’d be the centerpiece for a blood ritual hosted by horny witches. That stuff happened to us, like, every year.

Seeing Zoey Holloway as the mom in “Homecoming”–more precisely, the hot mom who gives her daughter’s fiance a late-night handjob on the couch–got us thinking about how much we adore this woman. She’s marvelously MILFy and yet can fuck with the fury of a lady half her age!

Yay, it’s officially spring today! You gonna go outside and feel the warmth and balance some eggs? Nope, it’s cold out there. Instead, you’re going to stay inside and get excited for all that spring has to offer, namely boobs out in the open air!