Erik Everhard’s sister is coming to visit, and he’s very nicely asked his studly roommates not to have sex with her. Sorry, Erik: you forgot to put “Not Fucking My Sister” on the chore wheel, so nobody has to do what you say.

We’ve got a bit of a quandary. We love Lily Carter. But… we also have some really strong feelings for that Lily LaBeau. Because, see, that Lily Carter squirts so good it melts our cold little hearts. But that Lily LaBeau, she looks so pretty when she lies back all naked and wet we nearly swoon. But — oh, look! The brilliant minds over at Elegant Angel realized that putting these two together is a perfect fit, a veritable yin-yang of squirtistry and squirt-upon-istry. They exist in perfect harmony! There is there enough room for two Lilies in this town! But as for us, we’re done for. Somebody better bring some smelling salts, because our body can’t handle this much lovin’.

I have always been confused by Elegant Angel’s choice to release its “Performers of the Year” for the current year in January. It’s not like the 2013 Honda CR-V, in which the aerodynamic and sporty XUV is new for that model year; “Performers of the Year” implies that the rest of the year is cake, and these ladies have already won.

Really, Jynx Maze, Amy Brooke, Jada Stevens, and Lily Carter, where do you get the nerve? Just because you’re telling us to do the exact thing we all want to do and think about all the time everyday doesn’t mean you get to be crude about it. Etiquette is everything–including an aphrodisiac–and that’s why we hope everyone will sign our petition to rename this movie “Please Pump My Ass Full of Cum, Thank You, and How Was Your Day 3.”

We’ll let you in on a trade secret: there is one sure-fire way to tell if a girl is faking it during a girl on girl cunnilingus scene in porn. If you can see more of the back of the other girl’s head than you can see pussy, that’s some real muff diving goin’ on. No cheating out to the camera, no timid licking. We love close-ups of the goods, don’t get us wrong; but we’d rather see both people really getting in there and enjoying the hell out of oral sex.

You know how these things go: young couple loses interest in sex, wise friend suggests some kinky biz, secret passions are unleashed, new body parts are brought into the bedroom, relationship strength is restored. It’s essentially the classic Hero’s Journey with more facesitting.

After we saw Lily’s eyeballs roll to the back of her mid-coitus, we felt pretty worried about her, but then wondered if that’s simply how she expresses pleasure. In the pursuit of answers about her erotic eye habits–as well as a chance to show off her amazing body–we thought we’d look at some of our favorite Lily Carter moments.

You might think it’s nice to have attractive neighbors, but it can be a real burden, too. Imagine it: you’re washing dishes, and as you look out the window, you see the newlyweds next door getting it on in the kitchen. Maybe you only see them for a moment, but the image is burned in your brain forever, and it won’t leave until you see it again, up close, in your bedroom.

So toned are they from all that tribbing and pillowfighting, these porn lesbians don’t even break a sweat in “Lesbian Workout.”

Although we’re pretty sure Lily could bag basically any beau she set her sights on, she’s a lady of simple pleasures: she wants someone who’s always there for her, who doesn’t have an attitude, and who makes her come on demand. It doesn’t seem like too much to ask…

Picture it: a hot young ranger has been staking out an enemy camp for days, she’s low on food and water, and she still has to get in there and neutralize the general…with her ass. Not everybody is cut out for this kind of life, but some certainly are. They are the few, the proud, the well-lubricated, and with the help of a squad of roughneck rump wranglers, these young pornstars will have their patoots pounded into battle-ready booties.

Like they said in both the DSM-IV and “Jurassic Park,” just because you can do something, doesn’t mean it’s worthwhile. But we applaud “Penetrator” Prince Yahshua who has sought to introduce some moves to the porn playbook.

The people who brought you the award-winning, brain-melting, Jessie Andrews-highlighting “Portrait of a Call Girl” are back with another dark and emotional porn film, and the teaser was just released. It’s called “Wasteland” and it stars Lily LaBeau and Lily Carter as two old friends who reunite for a night of passion and adventure. You need to see this.

At least the girls are letting us watch! Just imagine how furious we’d be if we knew that Skin Diamond and Asa Akira were getting it on somewhere and they weren’t going to let us peep the action. Actually, don’t imagine that. It can’t be good for your blood pressure. (Fleshbot cares about you.)

White backgrounds, intimate interviews, hyphy music, and a simple focus on fucking: you see these things quite often in porn these days, but it’s a whole other ball game when Ivan is calling the shots. Oh, and this movie stars Jessie Andrews, Samantha Saint, Lily Carter, and Jynx Maze, so, you know, that means this will be extra good.

Although if the description on the box is anything to go buy, these girls might be a tad underprepared for something as grown-up as “Sport Fucking.” One blurb about Lily Carter reads, “Lily is a big girl now…the diapers are off…let the squirting begin!” Um, what? We’ll forgive Jules Jordan

The Adult Entertainment Expo and AVN Awards have come and gone, Las Vegas slowly recuperates from hosting the hard-drinking performers and professionals of the smut world, and even though we’re sad that it’s all over, we still have pictures from Jeff Koga to remind us of the good times. Yes,

Our love for Riley Reid is both powerful and documented, and in fact, we love her so much, that we’re willing to pretend she’s an object that only exists to be savagely boned by pornstars. If you love something, let it be an Ultimate Fuck Toy… That’s what the Hallmark

Nica Noelle brings us “Lesbian Babysitters 6,” yet another episode of her fantastic girl-on-girl-who-isn’t-watching-the-children series. This time, Dylan Ryan bangs a lady who has never before been in porn. How exciting! From the looks of these pictures, we have to say that Dylan’s protege, the voluptuous Sheridan Love, has a