We like our ladies to be independent, sassy and brassy and brimming with agency as they stomp around in big (figurative) boots. Sometimes, that’s not an option. Sometimes we deal with ladies who belong to other ladies because of the orgasms they produce in each other. That’s all fine; truth be told, we’d forfeit our freedom in exchange for some mind-bending climaxes, too.

You can’t fault Ann Marie La Sante for always missing flights, movies, and dinner reservations; she’s on “Lesbian Toy Time.” When hot babes have a moment alone in a room with fancy marital aids and unlimited lubricant, time bends around them and entire days slip by. Plus, you can’t wear a watch when you’re elbow-deep in pornstar pussy.

You guys, we don’t know if you’ve seen these Europorn babes recently, but they’re out of control. It’s not like they’re rebelling against their parents or partying late into the night; they’re randomly and very suddenly attacking each other, specifically in the genitals, specifically with their tongues and fingers. Doctors suggested that these might be signs of bath salt abuse, but we’re pretty sure these ladies are just lezzing out hardcore. It happens, you know?

Everyone knows that a vagina a day keeps the devil at bay, but what happens when you spend all day eating, kissing, licking, fingering, and fucking pussy? That probably gets rid of every trace of demonic power, right? Well, we can’t find a single sin in these hot pictures of saint-on-saint action, unless you consider having a wicker chair in your bathroom a sin (which we do because wicker furniture is wak).

We’re used to thinking of the ass as a passive body part–a sweet but sensitive spot just waiting for fingers and tongues to please it–but these young women remind us that the ass can be active as well. Think of the squeeze, the heat, the cheeks resting gently on your face: that’s a touch of ass.

It’s hard work being a sensual, swaglicious, ice cold stunner of the lesbian porn circuit, but these babes make it look easy. They’re passionate professionals. If you stick two of together in front of a camera, you’ll have a spicy scene. If you put three of them in front of the camera, you’re going to have trouble getting them to stop.

No, this isn’t a porn parody based on “A Very Private Affair” starring Brigitte Bardot, but that does sound like a spectacular pornographic experience. This is different. This isn’t really about anything! If you must have a plot with your smut, then this is about Zoey Holloway waking up one morning, looking at her husband, and thinking to herself, “Damn, if only that guy had a sweet pussy to play with.”

Neat little fact: the phrase “bangin’ ass,” as in “Damn, that is one bangin’ ass on Ivanka over there,” does not directly refer to the ass being banged by a long, hard object. It actually refers to the way the butt moves as its owner walks around, bouncing them cheeks, literally banging against the fabric of spacetime.

That’s why Jennyfer likes to play hooky every two weeks or so to stay at home and spend some quality time with her girlfriend’s asshole. Her boss thinks she’s busy observing a bunch of strict religious holidays. Ha! Not too far from the truth!

When we saw that Lesbian Provocateur was putting this movie out, we automatically thought, “Yes! Thank God. Della Reese and Roma Downey finally get the parody porn they deserve, and it’s an all-girl fuck fest.” We were right about the all-girl fuck fest, wrong about everything else. But hey, we

We wish we could say something clever about this all-girl anal fest, but we can’t get the Guns N’ Roses version of “Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door” out of our heads now. Who can possibly think of Guns N’ Roses and lesbian anal sex at the same time? We’ve always believed

Just to clear things up: one of these titles belongs to a film about young Eastern Bloc babes requesting to have things inserted in their asses, and the other title belongs to a piece of slash fiction about the world’s foremost prime minister/archaeologist with his own brand of vodka. Sorry,

“Analists” is not the first movie to highlight the anal portion of the word “analyst,” but it might be the first movie that cops to the idea that anal sex is easier after a drink or two. Strange move, Lesbian Provocateur; we are intrigued. We’re not saying alcohol is a

Thank goodness, too; we were getting tired of going along with Aletta’s whole “I’m studying in my room with Zafira” routine because, frankly, Aletta has bad grades. Also, she has sleepovers with Zafira every night and she can never find her underwear. “I Eat Pussy.” Fantastic. Although we think Aletta

A lot of girl-on-girl films have lusty ladies who genuinely want to fuck their female friends, but this movie features women who are so deeply into eating pussy that they challenge the blind morality of Judeo-Christian ideals whenever they lick their lips. We’ve been living in a post-chivalry society for

We love it when a lady knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it, but there’s a fine line between having precise sexual tastes and being a picky lover. For example, does Brianna here really need the purple toy and the white toy in her ass? We

You deserve it. But did you make her come? Because we can’t be having any greedy ladies here; reciprocity is the foundation of pornography (maybe) and if there’s only one orgasm per scene then we might as well be watching boy-girl porn (oh snap!). Of course, sometimes the climax is

These ladies have been training for hours—probably two hours—to get this far in the world of semi-professional naked lady wrestling, and they won’t back down from a fight. It’s like, come on, a fight is guaranteed to get them pussy. Male professional wrestlers can only hope and pray that some

The back of the box says something about watching these girls “expand their anal horizons” and we think that sounds dreadful. We’re going to enjoy them sticking things in each other’s butts; let’s leave it at that. Every couple approaches the anal event horizon in different yet equally sexy ways.

Do you know how hard it is to tie the phrase “In My Ass” into any sentence? We’re posting this because we’re trying to hype Pride Weekend as much as possible, and saying “In My Ass” is like finishing a joke with “Not!” But this prepositional phrase is more than