We’re going to take this in a different direction off the bat and pretend that “Ur-Anus” is actually using the prefix “ur-” meaning proto, so this exploration will really be of the original anus, the first instance of ass-ness in history as well as in our hearts. We don’t know how you’d go about exploring such a thing, but we figure watching dicks get slammed in holes is about as anthropologically stimulating as anything else, so here we go.

A few years ago, linguists discovered a language spoken in remote parts of Brazil that has no numbers besides “one,” “two,” and “more.” Who would’ve thought that the same language would suddenly surface in Porn Valley? The girls have stopped counting the guys who show up to group sex scenes because they’re satisfied that at least two dicks will be inside them.

Cathy Heaven and a few of her Europorn pals have been feeling lousy recently, and when one of them suggested they might be allergic to ass, they all decided to try going booty-free for a while. Unfortunately, that just made them feel worse. Now they’re playing with butts again, and they’ve doubled their intake to make up for lost time (and lost nutrients–you need those ass nutrients)!

Angel Pink spent years at Le Cordon Bleu’s Hotel Management school learning all the tricks of the hosting trade. We asked her what her most valuable secret is and she replied, “I’m obsessed with double penetration.” So after she lost her job at the Plaza Hotel (for “unprofessional conduct with