I don’t read other people’s porn eviews, because it’s like sleeping on dubious sheets. But I did look at the boxocver copy of Digital Playground’s “La Boutique,” and it provided an excellent summary, complete with italics:

Erik Everhard’s sister is coming to visit, and he’s very nicely asked his studly roommates not to have sex with her. Sorry, Erik: you forgot to put “Not Fucking My Sister” on the chore wheel, so nobody has to do what you say.

Manuel Ferrara is the owner of La Boutique, a small lingerie store that’s having some serious trouble turning profits. Why would Manuel Ferrara own a lingerie store? Hey, Nick Manning and a handful of other pornstars actually ran such a store in Encino, California. Could “La Boutique” be a riff on Manning’s “LA Exotique”? Probably not, but we’re going to pretend so.

Babes, guns, drugs, crime, cartels, kidnappers, and explosions: that’s what we need right about now, and Digital Playground is giving us precisely that with their latest film. Every year, they drop a big budget booty-shaking movie on us, and this time we’re getting a tale of foxy military mamas going to rescue a friend in need. You’ll be on the edge of your seat with your hands on your meat!

When you ask pornstars about sex, you don’t just get a handful of neat tricks to try in the bedroom, you get to hear their philosophies about what it means to be sexy, to give and receive pleasure, and how to give yourself the best emotional, physical, and mental opportunities for experiencing unbridled sexual ecstasy. You also get a sweet bunch of one-liners and goofy quotes. God, we love pornstars so fucking much!

Where is Kayden’s man? Why did she get butt-dialed by his phone and hear the sounds of fierce, wet fucking? And why is it that booty calls can get you a bird but bird calls never get you booty?

So at AEE, Fleshbot decided to do some serious investigating with our favorite pornstar paramours and proposed a question — out of all the folks in the biz, past and present, whether you’ve already stuck it to ‘em on set or just wish to — who brings a smile to your face and a fire to your loins? Like, who you mega-crushin’ on? Some answers were straightforward, others more a surprise, but one thing’s for sure: Porntopia is one big, beautiful, sleazy fucking family.

Gambling addict James Deen promises Kayden Kross he will reform in “Losing Kayden,” but no sooner does he come on her face than he lams it to another unlicensed poker game, run by prostitute-dispensing criminal Steve Holmes.

Oh, Kayden Kross, is there anything you can’t do? Well, you may not be able to use alchemy to transform ordinary crap to noble metals, or conjure the elixir of life, but when you lift your hips in the air we feel you’re like a regular King Midas. Would we turn to gold at the touch of your pussy to our lips? Perhaps. We suppose that’s why you kept your panties on, to protect us — there’s but a thin layer between you and a life of eternal mineralization for us. It would almost be worth it though, like, for serious.

When we were young, we made halfhearted attempts to break our own arm just to get that awesome cast (and subsequent glory). But damn, even in our wiser and more experienced adult selves, we’d damn nigh throw ourselves off a roof to be treated by these nurses. It’s literally a hospital staff of our dreams: Jesse Jane, Kayden Kross, Riley Steele, & Selena Rose. One could help us get into our assless gown while another swabs us for a shot, another could put us in the stirrups and the other could smooth a cold compress across our fevered brow loins. We’d spit out our pills and kick off the sheets at night though, because we wouldn’t ever wanna check outta here!

Isn’t it sweet how Manuel Ferrara interlaces his fingers with Kayden’s as he explores her pussy with his tongue? They continue to hold hands like that for most of their sex scene. Isn’t it romantic? And to think that they only reason they meet is because Manuel gets sent to collect Kayden’s house when her boyfriend loses it to a mob boss. That’ll make a great story for the grandkids.

Sometimes you just feel like, “Damn. Why do I waste time trying to OkCupid my vagina’s way into some nice guy mouth when I have friends who are such genius clit-lickers that their tongues deserve MacArthur Fellowships?” We know it’s “healthier” to seek out new relationships, but it’s such a chore when you have a horny homie on speed dial.

We’re not saying that you, the viewer, should feel pressured by porn to have a more active and performative sex life. All we’re saying is that if you’re in a porno and you’re the only one not having sex, then yeah, you should probably try blending in with the crowd. Don’t worry about your individuality, it’ll come out when you come.

If this were a bit more science fiction-esque, Kayden would be some mad inventor who creates a device that makes it impossible for anyone to climax, and some brave heroes have to swing their dicks in her direction so that she finally gets to come and realize the error of her ways. This movie is sort of like that minus the science.

It starts innocently enough: Four scantily-clad women in their mid-to-late 20′s are kneeling on a bed talking about blowjob technique. Then they get into a pillow fight—also perfectly normal—and then they become lesbians. How did this happen?

It looks like no one can get enough of Ms. Stoya — not even the lady herself! But that’s totally understandable. If we were her, we’d probably be licking on ourselves all day long, we’re so darn tasty. We’re okay with this situation, so long as she is generous with her goods (and it looks like she is, at least with Kayden Kross!). Oh, and also she mustn’t go overboard and lick herself away into nothingness. We just wouldn’t be able to take that! But it looks like there’s no need to worry. Stoya’s got things under control. She’s a master of the universe; don’t forget.

The Digital Playground contract star can sleep with whomever, date whomever, and make music videos with whatever metal band she wants, but what we’ve learned from watching this Nekrogoblikon video is that the woman is not yet ready to be flirting with potentially bloodthirsty goblins. At least not the one she works with.

Kayden Kross’s boyfriend dumps for a younger and more sexually aggressive babe and all of Kayden’s friends are like, “Girrrrrl.” Is Kayden devastated by his callousness? Nope. She might be a little hurt, but she channels that pain into pleasure by slutting it up with hot boys. It’s what she should be doing. Why mope when you can manhandle?

The enterprising folks over at Fleshlight are giving fans the opportunity to put something other than their randy cocks into the goods. The gates are up, and Alexis Texas, Asphyxia Noir, and Kayden Kross are in the running to get their snatches forever immortalized in elastomeric gel. And the pussy to prevail is up to you!