We love the term “down there.” It’s always said with an italicized voice and a wave of the eyebrows, and no matter what position the speaker is in, you can instantly picture them hiding something sweet and sexy under the tablecloth and between their legs. Such graphic subtlety, you know? It’s a paradox of pubic relations.
You have to hand it to Extreme Comixxx, they are on top of their superhero porn parody game. They produced a live action Justice League film before Hollywood, and they’re upping the ante with this live action Hawkman and Hawkgirl parody. Where’s your game at, Hollywood? Where’s your story of death-defying love between two human-like Accipitriformes with hardcore sex and threesomes and mace poundings?
As this is being written, there’s an actual puppy running around the office. It’s adorable, without a doubt, but it’s kind of hard to focus on the non-canine aspects of “Slut Puppies” when we hear the dog’s collar jingling as it runs–really waddles–around the place. We can do this though. We’re professionals. Here we go: humans.
If you were Terry Richardson and you had Jessie Andrews at the Chateau Marmont for an evening, would you take a few pictures or hella pictures? Hella;, that’s what we thought. Naturally, Purple Diary can’t handle every last picture (no matter how special each image is) so the wheat must be separated from the chaff. We, however, are big time chaff munchers, and we’ll take any chance we can to see Jessie and Terry work together.
This gallery from Richard Kern doesn’t come with any explanation, but it probably doesn’t need one. You can tell a lot about people by what kind of home entertainment system(s) they have, and Mr. Kern offers you a candid look at the towering distractions owned by various hot babes (including Jessie Andrews). Also: there’s some toplessness, because it’s Kern.
There could not be a porn movie more suited to our lazy tastes; we love morning sex! Babes be waking up, barely conscious of the big world outside the boundaries of the bed, their hair all messy and faces unmade, and nothing drives them but a little spark of horniness. If you have brunch plans with us, consider them officially cancelled because this is all we’re doing for the rest of our weekends.
This edition of “Lesbian Office Seductions” is special because all of the action revolves around “the city’s top advertising firm for feminine products.” It’s all about ladies being in charge of other ladies who are trying to appeal to consumer ladies by way of their lady parts. Is that too much lady for you? Then you are in the wrong place.
You know, your humble correspondents here at Fleshbot watch a helluva lot of porn. We do it for you, we do it for love, we do it for the good of humanity. After a while, a lot of it just looks like pleasant moving shapes. Then every so often something catches our eyes that makes our boners go “Whooooooaaaaa!” And the sight of a cheer captain reaching into the uniform of her fellow cheer squader really got us going this morning.
This year’s Dirty Dozen reflects wise and difficult choices in the Pornographic Arts.
We’re outraged at ourselves for not doing this sooner. Like, what were we waiting for? “We’re not going to talk about our favorite Jessie Andrews fuck flicks until she’s on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’” And there’s another thing: why isn’t Jesse on “Dancing with the Stars” yet? This world needs to recognize what a gift that young woman is.
Yes! Yes people! This is just how it is in real life! (We um, have some lesbian friends. We check our facts here at Fleshbot. We dot our t’s and cross our i’d and… wait, is that… oh hey, is that girls making out over there?) All the soft butch in the red flannel has to do is smarmily* introduce the idea of Truth or Dare and then everyone’s inner lesbian is revealed!
While a wild-eyed and committed Kimberly Kane holds the pornographically well-made but otherwise narratively flawed “Expendables XXX” together, this 3-D parody really does add a dimension missing from the original.
Let’s not blow this out of proportion though. Is Miley BFFLs with Jessie? No. Are they acquaintances? Perhaps. Were they in the same music video? They were, and the song is about Jessie, so Miley must be familiar with her. Does the music video show Miley Cyrus with a bunch of cake on her boobs. Yes, it does, and that’s the real treat here.
Some people carry tension in their shoulders, some in the small of their back, and some, like Jessie, carry it in their genitals, where it can only be released by a vigorous fucking from the phallus of Marcus London. Poor Jessie doesn’t know this yet because she’s only starting her first day at Dana DeArmond’s massage parlor. She has so much to learn!
You might think it’s nice to have attractive neighbors, but it can be a real burden, too. Imagine it: you’re washing dishes, and as you look out the window, you see the newlyweds next door getting it on in the kitchen. Maybe you only see them for a moment, but the image is burned in your brain forever, and it won’t leave until you see it again, up close, in your bedroom.
The funny thing about this clip is that we’re not certain if it’s supposed to be retro or not. In our minds, glowsticks, candy-colored wigs, and Sailor Moon hair screams 1993 with much the same enthusiasm that these sluts moan as they get banged in the bathroom of this so-called rave. But maybe the kids are actually partying like this these days?! How fast does nostalgia cycle through in this day and age?
