You know how some realtors bake cookies to lure buyers? Well, Jesse Jane has sex with them. SOLD!

When we think of the title “Porno Pranks,” we imagine someone getting spitroasted with a Kick Me sign on their back, or someone looking inside a gaping asshole just as plastic snakes fly out of it. What we don’t think of is Riley Steele and Jesse Jane having sex with guys and filming it without their consent.

Jesse Jane is a superstar romance novelist whose books have been burning up the shelves and filling the fantasies of countless readers, but her life lacks the passion she writes about. A gal can only scribble sexy ideas down for so long before they start to seep into her brain, and Jesse has reached the point where she’s desperately craving real, fleshy, nasty human contact.

Real estate is a rough business by itself, so imagine how complicated and stressful it becomes when you’re banging every other person in your agency. This is the struggle that Jesse Jane faces: she tries to sell houses, and though she may not realize it, she’s also trying to sell herself to a special someone. Oh, Jesse, soon you will learn that you can’t hold open houses in your heart (or your pussy).

We know these people are good at fucking, but what other nifty talents are they hiding? We worked up the gumption to ask them right in their pretty faces when we went to AEE, and we got some fascinating responses. For example, Skin Diamond likes to sing, but she won’t do it in public: “My asshole’s all over the internet but I’m too shy to sing in front of people.”

Babes, guns, drugs, crime, cartels, kidnappers, and explosions: that’s what we need right about now, and Digital Playground is giving us precisely that with their latest film. Every year, they drop a big budget booty-shaking movie on us, and this time we’re getting a tale of foxy military mamas going to rescue a friend in need. You’ll be on the edge of your seat with your hands on your meat!

So at AEE, Fleshbot decided to do some serious investigating with our favorite pornstar paramours and proposed a question — out of all the folks in the biz, past and present, whether you’ve already stuck it to ‘em on set or just wish to — who brings a smile to your face and a fire to your loins? Like, who you mega-crushin’ on? Some answers were straightforward, others more a surprise, but one thing’s for sure: Porntopia is one big, beautiful, sleazy fucking family.

“Girls, lemme tell you about a blowjob,” says Jesse Jane, with a tone that lets you know she’s about to drop some major knowledge on your ass. If you’ve ever worried that your dick sucking game is wak, or if you’d simply like to imagine Jesse performing these acts on your own anatomy, then you absolutely must listen to these wise words.

When we were young, we made halfhearted attempts to break our own arm just to get that awesome cast (and subsequent glory). But damn, even in our wiser and more experienced adult selves, we’d damn nigh throw ourselves off a roof to be treated by these nurses. It’s literally a hospital staff of our dreams: Jesse Jane, Kayden Kross, Riley Steele, & Selena Rose. One could help us get into our assless gown while another swabs us for a shot, another could put us in the stirrups and the other could smooth a cold compress across our fevered brow loins. We’d spit out our pills and kick off the sheets at night though, because we wouldn’t ever wanna check outta here!

Is it love? Is it lust? No, it’s something in between: it’s the immediate and pressing need to sink your hands and teeth into the glistening buttocks on the massage table in front of you; it’s restless leg syndrome that affects the genitals; it’s the reason pre-nuptial agreements can include clauses that instigate divorce in case one party loses her ass luster.

Jesse Jane and Riley Steele may be on the side of the law in “Skip Trace 2,” but evil coke dealer Nacho Vidal has the most fun.

Yesterday we saw how Showtime’s “Reality Show” introduces faux-confrontation into the lives of faux-average Americans, and since their method was so nudity heavy, we figured we should see what we missed from previous episodes. In short, we missed a ton of raunchy cheerleader sex and a special guest appearance by Jesse Jane!

Jesse Jane and Riley Steele are bounty hunters. Unfortunately, all we know about bounty hunting is what we’ve learned from “Domino,” “One for the Money,” and “Dog the Bounty Hunter,” so unless we see nunchucks and big blonde wigs and Katherine Heigl, we’ll have no idea what’s going on.

Jesse Jane is a lot of things–pornstar, flavored tequila pusher, one-woman parade float–but today she’s focusing all of her energy on helping couples get in touch with their deepest desires so they might be realized in a safe space. She’ll even let you borrow her ski mask!

If we had sway at some (obviously twisted) university, we would teach a low pressure yet science requirement-satisfying class called Physics for Pornstars, and we would illuminate concepts of force, pressure, torque, and other junk by looking at how porn performers position their bodies in order to fuck each other most efficiently. We thought this Digital Playground movie was going in that direction. It’s actually about extortion.

So you’re worried about your rent going up when you renew the lease, these things happen. All you need to do is put a little polite pressure on your landlord; have Jesse Jane press her breast against his thigh as she crawls across his lap, and not only will your rent stay the same, but you might even get free utilities!

Could it be that Jesse Jane has chosen the wrong life path? She’s a legendary pornstar, she has her own line of flavored tequilas, and if you ever need a place to rest your tired head, her boobs are always there for you. However, we think Jesse’s true calling may be in education. When she puts on her tight pencil skirt and smart lady glasses, she knows that she can make you memorize anything she wants in exchange for a peek at them titties.

Do you ever sit at home, idly wondering what it might be like to get your hands on (and in) the likes of Stoya, Jesse Jane, and Riley Steele? Don’t deny it: of course you do. We all do. Unfortunately, most of us won’t be able to experience those luscious ladies firsthand; but at least we can live vicariously through Kayden Kross, who’s banged all of the above–and is more than happy to tell tales out of class.

The Adult Entertainment Expo and AVN Awards have come and gone, Las Vegas slowly recuperates from hosting the hard-drinking performers and professionals of the smut world, and even though we’re sad that it’s all over, we still have pictures from Jeff Koga to remind us of the good times. Yes,

Believe it or not, what comes out of our beloved porn stars’ mouths is often more compelling than what goes in. In fact, while breasts may sag and nuts will deflate, words remain everturgid. Next time you watch a porn movie, count how many times you hear “Fuck!” and “Shit!”