Oh, you — you do. Well, good. Then there’s no issue here. From the sounds of it, you really like it. That’s great! We’re into that. We’re also into the cameraman taking it upon himself to rub one out while he’s watching. Kudos, sir!

Oh, you remembered Mother’s Day, too? What’d you do, get your mom some flowers? Bouquets are scepters of apology. Lexington Steele didn’t just get a gift for one special lady, he made a movie called “Lex is a Motherfucker” so he can enchant horny MILFs and MILFs-to-be all over the world with his wonderful wand-like wang. You better step your game up for Father’s Day.

What’s better than having sex? How about having sex with multiple people, simultaneously? If that’s not a party, we don’t know what is. There is a certain amount of practice and skill necessary to offer up all your holes to all your friends, and where we might have a bit of trepidation crossing that threshold, these pornstar babes come crashing right in. Thank heavens!

Hey, sometimes the best part of vacation happens without leaving the confines of your hotel room. There’s premium cable, delectable room service, a king-sized bed, blackout curtains, and plenty of space for good lovin’. Now, maybe with the Empire State Building or the Champs-Élysées right out your window, you know, eventually you should get out there. But there’s nothing wrong with scheduling some bone-time in on your itinerary. We think it makes the whole trip go a bit more smoothly (and funly).

When’s your next big family gathering? Most religious holidays have passed, and hopefully you won’t have to deal with the relatives until Thanksgiving, so that means you have a lot of time to mentally prepare yourself for the next onslaught of judgment and force-feeding. Take a page out of Shane Diesel’s book: you may find that harmony is just a huge, veiny dick away.

Well, shit. Just look at that thing, will ya? We’re a little wide-eyed and awestruck… But Kiki Minaj jumps right into action. Apparently this shockingly-endowed fellow, Danny D, works from home and Kiki’s sick and tired of seeing him languish in front of the computer. So she decides to bang some life into him and, well, we think that’s a great idea. We work from home and wouldn’t mind hearing Kiki knock on our door. But we’re torn. Because our work-from-home work entails watching stuff like this, and delivering it to y’all. How would we reconcile these scenarios? Our worlds are conflating! Ahhh! We better take a minute, look at this big-ass cock, and breathe.

Once again, your gal pals have stuck you with the burden of planning a bridal shower and everybody wants something different. One girl is gluten-free, two are vegan, and there’s that one who won’t give up the damn Atkins diet. What will you serve? Don’t worry about it: Rico Strong, Lexington Steele, Prince Yahshua, and Jon Jon have you covered (in jizz).

We’re not sure if it’s medically validated, but we’re pretty sure facials are great for your health. They’re great for skin, they elevate seratonin levels, and they strengthen tooth enamel (hence the importance of the smile). But, uh, okay. In reality these likely factoids aren’t 100% true. But that doesn’t really matter to us! Because they make us feel good, that’s all.

Did you know that the most commonly reported sexual problem for heterosexual couples is that the man’s penis is too large? (We may have mentioned this in the past.) No one in this movie has any complaints of that nature; we just wanted to make sure you don’t feel bad for having a cock smaller than Mandingo’s. We’re all in that boat with you, brother.

We don’t even really have the space, but we’ll make it work for her. If she just stays perched up there on the couch like that, she doesn’t even have to pay rent. All we ask is that she let us sup upon her fantastic puss on occasion. Move over, Diane Deluna! Or on second thought, stay right there. We’ll make room for both of y’all. It’ll be fun! We’ll make family dinners, watch some great TV together, share some laughs and cunnilingus duties. This will work out mighty fine.

After the first “Black Anal Addiction” film hit stores, Mike Adriano’s family staged an intervention to address his addiction to eating black anuses. After that, a battalion of Mike’s fans staged an intervention on Mike’s family to ask them not to intervene with Mike’s way of life. Call us enablers if you must, we prefer to think of ourselves as conservationists and anthropologists (and black anal addicts by proxy).

That’s really quite lucky for us, because if they were, you know, just marching down to their local Duane Reade or to return books to the library that would be way less cool. Yeah, Katie seems like one of the lovelier things one could storm.

Uh, yeah, we can’t tell if we want to unhinge our jaw and wolf this mf-er down, or run in fear because it’s pretty damn intimidating. It’s awakening our fight or flight response, and though sometimes we’re inclined to take the easy route and avoid confrontation, we’re into the idea of tackling this mondo-dong head-on (literally! Oh yeah.) So’s this bold biddie.

We don’t know if this MILFy lass knew what she was getting into when she rolled into bed with this fella. And then subsequently rolled out of it in the embrace of his strong, strapping arms as he raised her skyward to bang with the fury of a thousand suns.

It’s not something you just come across every day, or eve n something slightly special like ten bucks on the sidewalk or a phenomenal hair day. No, any day that takes you into the ever-lovin’ embrace of a spitroast is a golden day, a day when sunlight floods the universe and angels sing.

Ah, it’s the ever-elusive FPOV. And, whaddaya know, it looks pretty darn good! Although we’re not sure if it’s as much chalked up to camerawork as it is to this awesomely hung cock that’s diving in and out of her. Let’s say it’s 50/50. But that cock really makes a pretty cool starlet.