Viewers who watch this feature all the way through will be rewarded with a twist ending uncharacteristic of porn movies. I say this as a favor to this movie’s producers, because I can’t say that everything leading up to the twist is the best a talented group of people can do. Still, you can watch this in a double feature with “Kiss Attack” and not regret the evening.

. . .

“Some say the path we take is guided by Fate or unseen forces,” intones Lei in the voiceover, which is immediately reminiscent of the sort of stylish, formulaic, safe, and Skinemax -ready porn Wicked produces so well, or at least so frequently.

How does one become a hooker accidentally? Well, if you looked like Kaylani Lei and you were walking down Hollywood Boulevard dressed to enhance all your Kaylani Leitude whilst absently sucking your soft drink from a straw, it would be within reason for the common passerby to at least hope you were a hooker.

And the passerby would be right, because hooker Lei is en route to an interview about how she became a hooker accidentally. Turns out she met a dude, Marcus (Armstrong), online who wasted no time sampling the goods once they finally met.

“He didn’t seem to be an axe murderer or anything,” Lei recalled. Waking up alone, Lei was surprised to find $500 by her bedside.

Was she a hooker? Who knows. Marcus invites her to L.A. and at the airport she is greeted by a limousine containing not Marcus but instead a man named Deep Threat.

“Little did I know that it would change my life – ” says Lei in the voiceover.

(wait for it)

” – forever.”

“I realized I crossed a line,” she says.

(wait for it)

” – that could never be uncrossed.”

Also:

“I had changed – “

(wait for it)

” – and this was only the beginning.”

Lei begins a crazy joyride of sex for money, immersing herself in “the life,” in which intimacy, commerce, and hedonism coexist in an uneasy colloidal stew – forever. She fucks other women, rich swains at the opera, guys at the car wash, couples, anything that pays.

Wicked cannot solve this problem, but in the scene with Shyla Stylez and Tommy Gunn as the couple Lei beds, the movie falls victim to something that happens in porn all the time: Stylez looks more like a hooker than the person playing a hooker. It’s like the Monty Python “Bicycle Repair Man” sketch, where everyone is a superhero.

But the highs become fewer and farther between.

“Every once in a while you ask yourself, ‘What am I doing?’” Lei tells her interviewer.

“Why don’t you just stop?” he asks.

“That’s easier said than done,” she says, blowing cigarette smoke. “You can’t just walk away. It’s in your blood. It’s what you know. It’s what you are. No matter how hard you try, you het sucked right back in. You’re in for life. And sometimes? That feels like an eternity.”

I hand it to Wicked for yet another unflinching look at the world of high-priced call girls this summer, the other being Latina Hollywood Hookers.

But just when you condemn Wicked for padding the script, you realize that all those (or most of those) sodden sentences work up to a twist ending like that Tom Cruise Isn’t Gay Enough movie.

Like M. Night Shyamalan projects, the twist endings over the years have yielded diminished returns since The Sixth Sense. But this is porn, so we’ve got at least ten more years of them. So I’ll leave it to you to decide if the twist redeems the movie.

Review by: Gram Ponante

. . .

The Accidental Hooker

Studio: Wicked
Director: Brad Armstrong
Cast: Kaylani Lei, Shyla Stylez, Victoria Sin, Mikayla, Devon Lee, Jennifer Dark, Brad Armstrong, Tommy Gunn, Deep Threat, Niko, Barrett Blade, Derrick Pierce, Marcus London

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy “The Accidental Hooker” (gamelink.com)

Sure, some might think that this debate about having sex with a robot hooker is just a silly thing to laugh over while you’re enjoying a pint or two–but as we’ve told you before, questions like this are going to be very serious ones in the future. So isn’t it better you take the time to clarify your own position on the matter now? (asylum.com; thumbnail via Obscene Machines)

Caipirinhas, condoms, and copious tanlines, of course, always lead our thoughts back to old Brazil. The site Reality Kings.com is a Miami-based affair that regularly travels to places like Mar Cazador (The Married Sea) in Guaruja to find the most delightful hookers. That Fleshbot chose to hold its editorial retreat at the Bogue Chitto Water Park this year instead only adds to our wanderlust.

Not that any place is “relatively cheap” anymore, but Brazil has long been a porn destination for quickie gonzo films featuring juicy local talent, whether they be prostitutes, transsexuals, transsexual prostitutes, or really transsexual prostitutes. None of the beachside babes in “Mike in Brazil 4″ are transsexuals, but they do have outrageus tan lines. It leaves the viewer wondering why, with Brazil’s reputation, there is a need to wear bikinis at all.

· Reality Kings (realitykings.com)
· Buy “Mike in Brazil 4″ (gamelink.com)

It’s been a while since we last caught up with Dessarae Bradford, everyone’s favorite alleged Baldwin-boinking Colin Farell stalkee and media gadfly–but if you’ve been as curious to know what she’s been up to as we are, you’ll be happy to know that she’s been freshly exonerated of all prostitution and loitering charges by a Hollywood criminal court this week. We must have missed a press release somewhere, since we didn’t know that she had been arrested in the first place–but we definitely didn’t miss the one she sent out today, which we’re sharing with you after the jump so she can tell you the whole story in her own inimitable style. (Trust us, we couldn’t make up stuff like this if we tried.)

. . .

DESSARAE BRADFORD AUTHOR OF COLIN FARRELL: A DARK TWISTED PUPPY WAS EXONERATED FROM ALL HOOKER CHARGES IN HOLLYWOOD CRIMINAL COURT ON MAY 20,2008

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Do to the fact that the news of my arrest for prostitution was so wide spread by the media, I am asking that all my media friends now give your readers and viewers the update on my trial outcome.

I was found not guilty of prostitution and loitering by the twelve jurors in the Hollywood criminal court house on 5/20/08. The jury took a little over an hour to reach their unanimous decision, and I have been clear of all charges.

The police officer that arrested me, Daniel Cottie that I reported to the internal affairs dept of the LAPD the day after my arrest back in November 2007, is still now under investigation by internal affairs because of this matter.

My brilliant attorney Jessica Canada, and I are now preparing the civil court documents required to now sue the LAPD for $20 million dollars, because of the public defamation, false arrest, profiling, racism and other police misconducts that I experienced and that I am still emotionally disturbed by. The court papers will be filed against the LAPD this month.

Please inform your readers and viewers of the update.

SECOND TOPIC: COLIN FARRELL

Due to the unstable health of Mr. Farrell, I am curtailing my slander, libel, and defamation law suit that I am prepared to file against him, until he becomes healthy and fit to stand trial (or the matter gets settled beforehand before court).

As you know, Mr. Farrell has labeled me a STALKER AND HAS WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO DISCREDIT ME PUBLICLY FOR YEARS, and yet has now in recent months began communicating with me again, breaching his own restraining order he has against me without dropping the restraining order or clearing my name publicly.

This type of bullying and disrespect and defamation, WILL NOT BE TOLERATED by me any longer.

I will not take the public attacks and defamation of my name any longer by anyone or any entity.

I am cleaning house in 2008 of all negative assaults against my name and character, starting with the LAPD and ending with Colin Farrell.

Thank you for your time, and keep my new email address handy: (redacted)@yahoo.com.

Things are going to get very exciting this year.

… And my album “Dessarae Bradford- Unrestrained” is avail now too!

CIAO!
DESSARAE BRADFORD
www.blessedadventurepub.com

While the world waits to see whether he’ll resign or not, media commentators, politicians, and even prostitutes are all theorizing, debating, and psychoanalyzing New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. The (formerly) rising political star with presidential ambitions has been identified as the target of a federal prostitution investigation that may leave him open to several serious criminal charges. It’s still not clear whether he will be indicted or forced to resign and the talk has ranged from how to pay for hookers to the rules of impeachment to the Mann Act to Hillary Clinton’s campaign strategy. But there’s one big question that every single person is asking: How dumb is Eliot Spitzer?

As a former state attorney general, Spitzer was extremely well-versed in the law and (more importantly) how law enforcement works—federal investigation techniques, wiretapping, complex money laundering manuvers. He even prosecuted several high profile prostuitution investigations cases himself, so it’s baffling that he would not only partake of the company of ladies of the night, but that he apparently made almost zero effort to conceal his actions. The most interesting revelation is that he was not a high-profile client caught up in a prostitution racket; the call girls were the ones who got caught up in an investigation of him. It was his own bank that tipped off the IRS about suspicious transactions, which eventually lead to the bust of the Emperor’s Club last week.

Oh yeah, there’s also the hookers. Everyone seems to be delighting in the screenshots of headless torsos and “diamond” ratings and interpretations of antiquated federal laws, but mostly they seem to enjoy the opportunity to call people “whores” in polite company. Because it’s about sex, you see, and we have to pretend that it’s dirty and evil, even though we all secretly get a big kick out of it because we all realize that the greatest harm done so far is that a young woman was “transported” across state lines for immoral purposes. (Oh, and he maybe liked to bang prostitutes without condoms, but that’s a different scandal altogether.) Our dream of a sex-positive governor leading the fight against harsh and outdated criminal laws will probably not come to pass, but we are pleasantly surprised that this case has led at least a few people to ask why prostitution is illegal in the first place.

There’s been a lot of comparisons to sex scandals past and how remarkably easy it’s been for most politicians to hang on and save their careers, but there’s one key difference between those earlier offenders and Spitzer. He paid for it. Cheating on your wife is forgivable, but a tough on crime crusader breaking the law is not. The consensus seems to be that indictment or no (the real unfairness with prostitutions laws is that it’s very difficult and rare to prosecute johns, although they pretty much have this one dead to rights), Spitzer will not be the governor for long. That’s too bad, because the longer this discussion goes on and the more we realize that anyone can and will pay for sex, the greater the chance that our attitudes and our laws might actually change. Of course, that also means all the horrible “Spitzer Swallow” jokes will continue indefinitely, but we suppose you can’t have everything.

· Revelations Began in Routine Tax Inquiry (nytimes.com)

· Spitzer’s Apology Video + Did One Of These Ladies Take Down the Governor? (Gawker)

· Spitzer Linked To Hooker Probe (thesmokinggun.com)

· “Why is prostitution illegal?” (slate.com)

· “Have you been a whore?” (wakingvixen.com; see also “The World’s Oldest Profession” audio @ wnyc.org)

· “Eliot Spitzer’s Whores” (Wonkette)

· Foes push for Spitzer’s resignation over link to prostitution ring (cnn.com)

· Washingtons most infamous hotel room for now (Examiner.com)

· Clinton Campaign Removes Eliot Spitzer’s Name From List Of Endorsements (radaronline.com)

· Sex scandals in U.S. politics (reuters.com)

The holidays can be a lonely time of year … unless you’re a hooker! How do you think all those lonely people make it to the new year without killing themselves?

Allow us to climb up on our high horse for just a moment to tell you about an interview in the UK Guardian with a woman in her 50s who works as a prostitute. It’s all tied to the the return of “Diary of a Call Girl”, the Billie Piper TV drama that caused such a ruckus a few months ago because it seemed to glamorize hookers. Nothing in the interview is particularly new or insightful—but it’s still remarkable in that even though we’ve come across a lot of anti-sex work screeds, this is one might be the most biased and inflammatory one yet.

Now, no one is saying that Billie’s high class trick turner is a completely accurate portrayal of what prostitution is all about, or that the business isn’t filled with its share of exploitation horror stories. But it’s difficult to take an article about sex work seriously when it starts off with a wildly ignorant assertion like “It is hard to understand why a woman who isn’t a drug addict would become a prostitute.” If you can’t accept that someone would voluntarily enter the sex trade and not immediately destroy their life, the conversation pretty much stops there. “Karen”, the subject of the interview, claims she was sexually abused, addicted to alcohol and drugs, poor and alone. But maybe it never occurs to those who wag their fingers at sex workers that the reason marginalized women end up as prostitutes is because the profession itself is so marginalized. Treat them like outcasts, and that’s exactly what you’ll get.

· “Emine Saner interviews a prostitute about what her life is really like” (guardian.co.uk)

Previously: Billie Piper Answers The “Call Girl”

A reverend in the town of Whitewood, South Dakota (population: 800) wants to change the name of Hooker St., because he thinks it’s offensive—even though it was named after Civil War General “Fighting” Joe Hooker and the address is only used by one resident. Which also proves once again that there is nothing better to do in South Dakota. (ap.google.com)

Remember “Hot Coffee,” the Grand Theft Auto sex hack? Apparently, Take-Two Interactive is finally about to settle that pesky lawsuit brought by all those pissed off prudes. The preliminary settlement offers $35 to customers who can provide proof of purchase and swear on their mom’s Game Boy that the sexy mini-game actually upset them. What do we get for being upset that we couldn’t get the stupid hack to work on our system? (macworld.com, more @ Kotaku)

Of the many awards bestowed in last week’s Nightmoves convention in Tampa (by all accounts a fun time, though we have never been offered airline tickets, free hotel and transportation, and happy ending massages from stern but grateful gator-wrasslin’ women), none so captures the zeitgeist of the porn industry past and present than “Busty Hookers” winning an Editor’s Choice award for Best Gonzo Release. Not since “Busty Hookers Who Are Also My Bartender” have we felt the stars align so fluidly.

· Night Moves (nmea.com)
· Buy “Busty Hookers” (gamelink.com)

While here in the US we have an annual traveling troupe of sex worker performance artists called the Sex Workers Art Show, the Australians have Debby Doesn’t Do it For Free, an aggressively political but also very funny group with a name inspired by smut classic “Debbie Does Dallas.” Their team of workers (all dubbed Debby, of course) includes a group of Hooker Scouts who identify good hooker skills in civilians and a Debby who does does a Joan Jett schtick with a song called “I Love Hockin’ My Hole”. Oh, and they do karaoke too. Is it too much to hope that they’ll plan a North American tour one of these days?-AR

· Debby Doesn’t Do It For Free (debbydoesntdoitforfree.org)

Previously: Daspu: Sex Worker Fashion, Meet Bruna Surfistinha (aka Rachel Pacheco), The Aphrodite Project, Diario da Putaria, Sex Work Matters, Strippers of London, Meet Elle Wakefield, Slut Suzie: Diary of a UK Prostitute