History was never our best subject in school, but we’d like to think that as we get older, we have a greater appreciation for the lessons the past has to offer as well as a new desire to gain wisdom from it. Today we’re going to learn why you should never have sex with Lucrezia Borgia or Henry VIII.

Our love of Lucrezia Borgia (Isolda Dychauk’s portrayal, specifically) goes back a long way, but we think we’ve found a clip that tops all the others. If Lucrezia has to bang her man Alfonso under the prying eyes and pointless commentary of two church officials, she’s going to do it her way: on top.

Perhaps a better title for this would be “Cesare Borgia Doesn’t Know How to Appreciate Naked Women,” because it’s true: first the guy couldn’t stop looking at his maps long enough to have sex, and now he’s thrown a poor woman’s nightgown in the fire. We’re not saying he has to sleep with every lady in the Vatican, but he should at least be nice to them.

“Augustine” is a film about the legendary 19th century neurology pioneer Dr. Jean-Martin Charcot and his relationship with his star patient, a kitchen maid who is left partially paralyzed after a seizure (played by Stephanie Sokolinski, better known as French singer/actress Soko). We’re not sure how this sex fits in, but we guess it might have something to do with hysteria and hypnosis–he was big on those.

We never approve of sex as a weapon–even as a cloak for a dagger–but we have to give it up for Audrey Fleurot and Lorraine Mordillat. We’re not sure how they’re helping the war effort, but we’re sure those Nazis will rue the day they made them orgasm.

We would like to nominate “Farewell, My Queen” for the next film to be parodied in porn, for the story is bittersweet and a little bit sexy. Lea Seydoux plays a reader for Marie Antoinette who refuses to flee Versailles with the rest of the servants and aristocrats because she has a crush on Marie. Did you just feel your heart flutter? How about your pants?

We don’t really know what to say here. There are certain things we expect to see when we’re searching for movie clips–horror movies, raunchy teen comedies, soulful foreign films–and “Mein Kampf” is definitely not amongst those things. Still, here we are, digging on Anna Unterberger’s boobs, trying to figure out what part of Hitler’s work described such terrific tits.

There’s a theory that the reason why porn’s Golden Age turned out so many memorable movies in the ’70s and early ’80s — “Behind the Green Door,” “Deep Throat,” and “The Devil in Miss Jones” among others — was because American popular culture at the time was drowning in cheese. Disco, bell bottoms and cocaine meshed perfectly with the tacky chic of porn movies at the time.

While some male performers in the present day sport facial hair, it’s few and far between and usually a pair of mutton chops or a soul patch. But if there’s anything that defined that brief, brilliant moment of adult entertainment history, it’s the prevalence of the mustache on male performers.

Back in the 80s, famed photographer Barbara Nitke worked as a stills photographer on porn sets all around New York City. When she wasn’t busy shooting promo photos for her employers, she took the time to document the world around her in behind the scenes photos, interviews, and little notes on all the crazy things going on at her place of employment.

We’ve had a lot of fun watching Canal Plus’s interpretation of the poisonous and somewhat pornographic history of the Borgia family, but we’ve really only been watching Isolda Dychauk, Marta Gastini, and a few other names. Meanwhile, there are countless topless babes running around this show and they don’t even

It’s been a couple of weeks since we’ve seen “History’s Hottest Femme Fatale” (debatably) grace our small screens/the European small screen. We missed her! She might be in deep trouble this time, though. Guess all that “discovering your sexuality” stuff doesn’t go down well if you’re the daughter of a

Admittedly, our naughty nun fantasies don’t include anything about incest, but you have to take the good with the bad when it comes to Lucrezia. If she’s going to give us the gift of her hot naked body escaping out of her habit, there’s going to be some sketchiness with

You might not agree with our declaration that Lucrezia Borgia is history’s hottest femme fatale, but we can’t think of anyone else more deserving of that title. She allegedly walked around with a hollow ring so she could randomly poison people. We dare you to tell us that’s not oddly

What do you do when the man you’re with is distressed, making you iron his laundry, and you discover he can’t read? Handjobs! They solve everything. They make everyone feel better. (Especially in the 1920s, where we imagine any sort of sex that wasn’t with a wife was pretty exciting.)

We know the Hooker With a Heart of Gold is a tired trope, but you have to admit that this one is a unique combination of talented seductress and accommodating lover. We’ve never seen anyone react to illiteracy with a hug and a handjob. Now, in the ideal world, she

Get it? The belly dancing lead this man to want things just slightly under Anna McGahan’s belly. We’re talking about sex! Where do you think she learned those moves? The most popular prostitute in 1920s Sydney doesn’t just miraculously know how to dance like this. It’s not like she can

The only thing we love more than television that’s chock full of nudity is television that’s chock full of nudity for educational purposes. Our favorite Australian crime-drama franchise, “Underbelly,” has a new show all about the femme fatales who fucked and fought their way around old timey Australia. Here we

We all know that the internet is for porn—but have you ever wondered how it got to be that way? Upcoming Luke Wilson vehicle “Middle Men” purports to tell the tale of the early days of online porn. Is it accurate? We don’t know yet…but we do know that it

Sure, you’ve seen a ton of topless calendars…but how much do you really know about them? About their history? About their struggles, about their achievements? If we were to hazard, we’d have to assume the answer is “Not too much.” Well, you can stop feeling ashamed of yourself, because Vice

In the second installment of “Henry IV” “Henry 4″, Henry seems to have settled down somewhat. Of course, that doesn’t stop the Renaissance stripper from hitting the stage! Also, last week’s clip of Chloe Stefani in “Henry IV” was not actually Chloe Stefani. This is (as far as we know)