Oh, that Bobbi Starr! She seems a tad on the devilish side, but all she really wants is a bitchboy who can do what she demands. Is that so much to ask? So maybe dragging a cannonball weight with your dick is sort of difficult — we say man up! And maybe undoing the delicate straps of Bobbi’s shoe with your teeth (and not biting!) is a challenge… But just do it! If we’re feeling exasperated, we can only imagine what Bobbi has in store.

We’re pretty sure this isn’t what they had in mind when they came up with the idiom “the ole ball and chain.” Bobbi Starr has her little bitchboy in quite a predicament, attached to a very heavy bowling ball. She enjoys toying with him, making him strain against it. Perhaps this is meant to be some sort of allegory for the confines of heternormative wedlock.

Stagg Street

Just yesterday our gallant Mr. Ponante let us in on the goings-on of The Perfect Secretary 3 — so we figured we’d take a look at what this specialized training entails. It looks like it requires a lot of ass-in-the-air shimmying, in a uniform of easily rippable stockings with no panties beneath. Uh, hey, we’ve got some calls that need to be taken — Dana DeArmond, can you get in here?

Or, you know, uses them as her own sexual playground. So maybe upstairs there’s a carnival with a petting zoo and artisanal salty-sweet popcorns and such, but Asa and Erik Everhard will never make it up there. But that’s okay, because we’re sure crackerjack BJs and multitiered standing sex is greater than billy goats and snackfoods and such anyway.

We know this spread already has many Abbey Clancys in it–two Abbeys in the mirror rubbing up on themselves, twenty Abbeys in two rows flexing their fine asses–but is that really enough? We think not. We could go for twice the Abbeys, thrice if you’ve got ‘em.

It’s rare in life when situations, entities, matters line up perfectly. Sometimes things just… work out. Be it kismet, divine providence, or just luck, we’ll take it. And if you throw some genitals into the mix, well, it’s all sunshine, smiles, and rainbows. Life’s a breeze!

You know, the title of this lovely film is “Cougars VS. Kittens” — but we don’t really see a whole lot of antagonizing going on because it seems like Diana Prince and Ash Hollywood are pretty into working as a team to get off the gorgeous high-school-quarterback-next-door that is Tyler Nixon.

Right about now we could use a sprawling California mansion that comes complete with drop-dead gorgeous babes with boobs for dayyyys. Actually though, now that we think about it, you can’t really measure boobs (or any other body parts) in spans of time, can you? Maybe that precise quantification is referring to how long one could gaze lovingly at a particular part. That makes sense. And these saucy juggs? Yeah, it’s dayyyys.

If little (or big) Johnny isn’t doing so well in class, getting low marks with the dreaded “See me” scrawled in red ink across his test, we could see he might be a bit scared of what’s to come. But little would he expect that it’s gonna be him — all over the teacher! That should be really encouraging.

Our couple spring days were but a tease, and New York City has been cast back into a blustery, rainy gray cold front (again). But you know what would be a great accessory for the storm? You guessed it! Riley Steele. She’s quite fashionable, very warm, and hangs on the frame much better than a limp old scarf. Plus, if you’re the sort of person with a dick, she’ll keep that nice and toasty for you. We can’t really see a downside here. Who needs sunshine when you’ve got Riley’s golden locks bouncing up and down in front of your face?

We may not be able to understand exactly what this lovely couple is saying, but we can certainly catch shades of meaning behind the words. We think it’s probably something along the lines of, “I really love having your cock in my ass,” and “Me too”. Us, three!

These are some interesting MILFy matrons we’ve got on our hands. When they catch their naughty teen daughters sneaking boyfriends into the house, instead of lording their craftiness and omniscience, they enthusiastically jump into the action! They should take this style of parenting to the next PTA meeting, right?

We thought that was damn near impossible… But the gusto, the ardor, the exhilaration this babe displays in the face of a consummate, perfectly huge set of cans — well, it’s like a puppy at the bone factory. A tiger in a catnip tree. A goth kid at a Siouxsie and the Banshees concert in hell. Basically we’re saying chick’s enraptured. Although with these boobs up for grabs, you’d be cray not to be.

And her name is Melissa Cunningham, and we think she should be part of their permanent exhibits. Or basically we just wish she were permanently exhibited. All the time. Anywhere. She’s so fresh-faced, full of vitality and fun! And babe-force. That’s important, too. And along with all that, she makes a pair of skivvies come to life and do a tap dance upon her. But figuratively. Jumping knickers would be too troublesome to wrangle on a photo set.

We’re not saying we’re not totally into this hot-ass striptease from Monique Alexander; no, that’s not it. But it is going to be giving us some difficulty throughout our day of, you know, interacting with people and being a non-bonered member of society to have these images flashing through our mind all day. But we’ll take the pros with the cons, because these are some pretty good and nipple-y pros at hand.

How our hearts and souls vibrate for a vermilion-locked lady… They’re enchanting, ethereal princesses imparting the earth with their singular sparkle. But, this being the case, why is Mallory Mallone strapped to electric-shock pads while on all fours on the ground? She doesn’t look like the type of gal who would get into trouble… But trouble seems to have found her, in the form of Bobbi Starr. Uh-oh!

Or actually we suppose “tag team” is a bit of a misnomer, because both these babes are going full-force all the time. We’re surprised this dude doesn’t have to tag out, what with his cock all up in Jenna’s face, coupled with visions of Asia all up in her ass. We’d sort of like to see that… competitive threesome-ing. Who can last the longest?!

Anikka Albrite, Lea Lexis, Krissy Lynn, and Maya Hills are like members of a sexy marching band, stepping and twirling to a pulsing drumbeat — but instead of playing the clarinet or oboe, they play the BBC (oh, okay, I guess we can begrudgingly say skin flute). It may seem that “sexy” and “marching band” are oxymoronic terms, but when the band is named “Orgy Masters”, well, tradition goes out the window. We’d rather hear the sweet rhythms of skin slappin’ skin than “Rocky Top” any day.