It seems like an innocent enough question, especially when a whirring Magic Wand is being held to your clit, a dude is fucking you in the ass, and another is choking you out — under any normal circumstances (heh!) you’d come your little heart out a thousand times. But, Kaci Star, you’re within the walls of the Kink armory now, and things are a little different here. So… can you come? No.

Poor Theon Greyjoy. Here he thinks he’s getting laid by two gorgeous and horny women with filthy mouths, and they start grinding on him and grabbing his dick and all that good stuff, but then it all goes downhill from there. And we’re pretty sure that when Theon gets knocked in the face with the horn, the thing that really hurts him is landing on his dong.

A luxurious hottub teeming with beautiful babes whacking off in turn — is this heaven? Perhaps. And hey, it’s Friday, so we may as well besmirch the name of a charitable drive all for the love of lesbians. It’s not like we’re a stranger to besmirching, as it were. And when it comes down to it, we think a Toys for Twats initiative would be pretty successful…

“Sarah,” he said, “You won’t believe how wet this little girl is! You’ve got to feel this!” Sarah’s fingers joined his for a moment, then came to my mouth, rubbing my wetness on my lips.

Who knew that “Outrageous Fortune” had so much to offer? (Probably the people who watched it when it was on the air.) A couple days ago, we saw Brooke Williams and Antony Star strike sassy poses for a figure drawing class, and now we get a spontaneous prison stripshow that very nearly turned into a full on orgy! If only the guards had been a little bit more tolerant.

A whole week? We sincerely doubt it, but maybe if we had seven days of nothing but snuggling and scrambling on top of a massage table with Jenny Cox and Venicia Day, there wouldn’t be a chance for it to go down. Then again, isn’t that dangerous and unhealthy? Oh, wait, sorry, you’re talking about a job!

Who cares if the story of the Banquet of Chestnuts is considered foolish by most historians? Certainly not us. All we care about is the fact that Showtime has the gumption to show us what possibly went down on that fateful night in October of 1501: food, fucking, and prizes for the cardinals who proved their virility above others.

Just yesterday our gallant Mr. Ponante let us in on the goings-on of The Perfect Secretary 3 — so we figured we’d take a look at what this specialized training entails. It looks like it requires a lot of ass-in-the-air shimmying, in a uniform of easily rippable stockings with no panties beneath. Uh, hey, we’ve got some calls that need to be taken — Dana DeArmond, can you get in here?

In case you didn’t get the memo, nobody shakes hands anymore. For one, it’s an outdated mode of expression that many cultures don’t practice. Second, your hand is the germiest part of your body. Third, nothing says “I’m down with the program” quite like the overwhelming tightness and genital unity of a good double penetration. Keep this in mind for your next business meeting.

Skin Diamond. Ana Foxxx. Leilani Leeane. These three ladies could really be doing anything together and we’d probably plotz. Even if they were, you know, doing some light housework, jumping double dutch, or helping each other with math homework we’d probably plotz. Lord only knows what would happen if they were tandem-licking our cock! Although, we guess we’d probably come. That seems like it would be the appropriate reaction. But who knows? These chicks make people do crazy things. We might climb the ceilings and do some backflips or other things we’ve never done. They just bring it out of you.

As far as sex in horror films goes, this is actually pretty refreshing! Instead of having the erotic action directly lead up to something gory, America Olivo’s sex habits contribute to her son’s Oedipal issues, ultimately resulting in him transforming into a serial killer when he grows up. Yes, sex is still the origin of gruesome death, but at least there’s a significant delay!

Ladies atop ladies — lips and tongues flitting amongst legs in stockings and lacy underthings, dainty fingers probing into dainty pussies, love and colors swirling all about in a beautiful panoply of babe on babe on babe. We’d love to live in this kaleidoscope, twirling and whirling in a lovely lady wonderland.

Whenever someone wants us to try CrossFit, they say, “Come on, join the herd!” We always picture them running naked and dirty through the woods and water, screaming at the sky, and then fucking like nasty animals–all of which sounds awesome, but that’s not CrossFit. Whatever, we’re starting our own exercise herd and it’s called CrossFuck.

We’re happy to see that even within the hazy 1970s throes of Throwback Thursday, our porno pioneers could get hella down with some group sex: chicks on dicks! Chicks on chicks! Chicks on chicks on dicks! We suppose these friends are just coming out of the Free Love era, and we’re glad they didn’t get to disco-dickin’ just yet. Because we really like seeing happy, hairy fuckers all up on each other everywhere we look. It almost sounds like… a disco. But really, this is better.

Audrey Rose is a very good student, from the looks of it. Or at least she’s mastered this important concept. Because grad school is hard —– like no less than five turgid cocks coming your way. But we think Aubrey’s acing them all.

The unspoken ladder of pornographic intensity states that girl-girl more hardcore than solo, boy-girl is harder than girl-girl, an so on and so forth. Interracial sex and double penetration used to be sitting pretty at the top of the heap, but now there’s a new way to play and every adult actress on the block is sure to be counting down the days until she finally has her first “Double Black Penetration.”

And lo, Veruca James wandered for many days in the (San Fernando) Valley until the Lord delivered her unto Tim Von Swine, and her raiment and arousal was pleasing to his kin, and from their manhoods issued forth a sweet, sticky, white brine that nourished Veruca and possibly even helped tighten her pores. And the Lord saw that it was good.

Although to be fair, we like them all. But this one looks to be a hell of a lot more fun! Even though we don’t even think they’re speaking Russian here. But bear with us, please. Eurosluts ahead!

In 2013, I was nominated for both AVN and XBIZ for my film, “Kelly Shibari is Overloaded.” A few weeks ago, I was also honored to receive a nomination for the Feminist Porn Awards for the same film, and I’ll be attending the event in Toronto for the first time ever.

You may ask, “Isn’t “Kelly Shibari is Overloaded” a bukkake / blowbang / gangbang film? How is that feminist?