When Celeste Star comes to, she finds her tongue taking a stroll up the side of Gracie Glam’s twat, soaking up the flavors of sweat mingled with sexual anticipation and the slightest hit of deep pussy wetness. “How did I get here?” she asks herself, going in for another taste. One minute she and Gracie were greeting each other, the next minute they were in their lingerie, and then… the “Hardcore Allure” took over.

Where would society be without girls kissing girls? Probably nowhere good, probably still in the Dark Ages. People credit modern civilization to a lot of different things–agriculture, social contracts, alcohol–but we know in our heart of hearts that the tender lip-lock of two babes is the only thing that drives humanity forward.

Sometimes it seems like porn is the end result of dealing with a lifetime of lame schoolyard trash talk. Perhaps someone yelled “Kiss my ass!” at Belladonna back in the day, and that stayed lodged in her psyche until she came of age and decided, “Yes, I will kiss ass, and so will all of my friends, and everyone is going to love it.”

Lizz Tayler and Gracie Glam have a mutual admiration society that is very refreshing. Not only that, but Glam hooks up her buddy with a Tayler-made blowjob.

Writing for Fleshbot is really not that different from writing a porn script, it seems. Nica Noelle has got to be one of the best script writers in the biz. This trailer in particular is filled with the kind of the same slyly hysterical yet strangely arousing double entendres that put bread in our baskets (eh? ehh?). “She… abuses her authority.” “What do you mean she gets close to you?” “My door is always open.” This stuff makes us giggle and squirm in our seats at the same time!

The lesson Jessie Andrews, Andy San Dimas, and Paul Thomas teach us in “Shared Wives” is that you can swing, but you’re probably not going to be happy you did.

These are wintry economic times. And just as women had to learn to play baseball and other manly jobs during WWII, the ladies of the current recession are learning to play traditional male porn roles. And the men are just passive receptionist of their cum. Women using their bodies as their means of production never looked so good.

Gracie Glam and Ashlynn Leigh are the sexy buns of this triple-decker, but what’s the meat? Why, it’s your wang! Shot in a way that makes you the center of these babes’ world, “Blow Me Sandwich 15″ is a tasty delight indeed. If only all our sandwiches made eye contact with us while we came…

So toned are they from all that tribbing and pillowfighting, these porn lesbians don’t even break a sweat in “Lesbian Workout.”

Can you name any of Julia Roberts’s movies that have been pornified recently? We can’t. Fortunately, Nica Noelle has remedied this situation by making a smutty adaptation of the ever-popular “Pretty Woman,” the story of a young, sassy, and beautiful prostitute and the rich gentleman who falls in love with her. You’re probably dying to know who takes Julia’s role, or Richard Gere’s role. More importantly, who will be the porn version of Jason Alexander?

It’s a match made in sexy heaven. But seriously, Gracie Glam’s pussy is sublime, and it would be a privilege for anyone to get a taste. Even after we brought her to a rollicking orgasm (inevitably), it would be hard for us to stop lavishing kisses on her little bit.

When we saw the promo video for Mishka’s Spring 2012 lookbook, we knew it was going to be face-meltingly hot. How could it not be? You’ve got Belladonna, Charlotte Stokely, Gracie Glam, and Aiden Ashley getting their pictures taken by Rae Threat and Kimberly Kane; the odds of no arousal occurring are approximately a bajillion to one.

Super dope fashion company Mishka frequently features pornstars in its lookbooks and calendars, so we’re not that surprised that Rae Threat and Kimberly Kane teamed up to shoot Belladonna, Charlotte Stokely, Gracie Glam, and Aiden Ashley. We’re just surprised–and a little concerned–that they gave the girls guns.

Dusky, fleshy porn minxes don and doff boots and fulsome skirts in Spanish California, getting the flowers fucked from their hair. And that should be enough in a tale where the English and Spanish are broken equally.

Lara Croft (Chanel Preston), like any beautiful woman, has no friends, just potential betrayers. The adventurer must fuck her way through danger, as well as India, Peru, and the American Southwest in this parody that is about as exciting as the source material.

Sure, Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta Jones are good at looking sexy, but are they actually skilled at having sex? Before we could only theorize, but now we have Pleasure Dynasty’s latest parody, “Zorro XXX,” to answer all of our dirty questions. They’ve given us exclusive access to the hardcore trailer, and we, naturally, are giving that access to you!

Maybe it’s just us and the non-stop porn watching we do, but every time we see someone conduct a press conference with eight to fifteen big microphones stiffly sitting on the podium, we imagine those microphones turning into a bunch of dicks and cramming themselves down the speaker’s throat–kind of like what happens here with Gracie Glam and the blowbang!

Big boobs, small boobs, real boobs, evil boobs! There’s room for horny females of all walks of life here on the island/tax shelter of misfit “US Sluts,” and the only thing you have to do to become a resident is deal with the daily visits from Manuel Ferrara’s savage cock.

It’s like Jermaine Stewart always said: “We don’t have to take our clothes off to have a good time.” These ladies might not having any cherry wine nearby, but they do have dripping wet pussies, and that’s just as good. With all due respect to the late Mr. Stewart, these