Except these babes have legs for sure, because we can see them, and we can see they’re doing something a little naughty between them underwater. We’ve actually sort of always wondered where mer-vaginas would be, because they have that tail and that just confuses everything. But we suppose we needn’t delve too deeply into the anatomy of Ariel and her sisters, because we’ve got real-live X-Art babes that don’t mind taking a little dipski for us. And they’ll even finger themselves while they do it! Yeah, that works better for our agenda.

We love a gal who can multitask. Especially one who can multitask naked! And even more especially when the tasks at hand (and mouth) involve blowin’ some sexy dicks. Sure, we’re impressed by a person who can ride a unicycle over a tightrope while spinning plates on sticks and stuff, but there’s something to be said for skills with practical applications. And getting two dudes to blow mega loads onto your waiting chest? Yeah, mad practical. And also awesome.

We know Veruca and Damon James are one of the sexiest and coolest couples contributing beautiful things to the pornosphere. But they also just sincerely like to bang! And in public! Plus, they’re full of tips that we, the laypeople, can utilize. So check out episode 3 from their series, Naked in Public: Public Sex Tips” to learn some ways to incorporate that James hotness into your own bang repertoire. Oh, and also to check out Veruca James’s ass. …What?!

Okay, so we haven’t fallen into a dreamy parallel universe where Audrey Bitoni has an identical double and they do all kinds of crazy, sexy shit to each other. But this is basically the next best thing! We like seeing Audrey’s adventures upon the looking-glass with her hottie reflection. It’s like Narcissus gone pervy. And with totally awesome tits. Yeah, we’re into that.

Because Sinn Sage is in town, and ain’t nobody wanna miss that. It’s like when the old-timey instrument repairfellow would pass through town twice a year, and all the violinists from miles around would bring their fiddles for a tune-up. It’s like that, except Sinn Sage does it for hot chicks and their asses. Yeah, she gets that body feelin’ right. She does it like no one else can, and that’s why she’s a master of her craft. Come to think of it, we could use a little adjusting ourself. Oh, Sinn? We need you!

Well, shit. Just look at that thing, will ya? We’re a little wide-eyed and awestruck… But Kiki Minaj jumps right into action. Apparently this shockingly-endowed fellow, Danny D, works from home and Kiki’s sick and tired of seeing him languish in front of the computer. So she decides to bang some life into him and, well, we think that’s a great idea. We work from home and wouldn’t mind hearing Kiki knock on our door. But we’re torn. Because our work-from-home work entails watching stuff like this, and delivering it to y’all. How would we reconcile these scenarios? Our worlds are conflating! Ahhh! We better take a minute, look at this big-ass cock, and breathe.

– Is definitely one who will deliver some delightful cunnilingus as you languidly lounge beside the pool. Right? Because along with making sure chlorine levels are safe and everything’s pristine and sparkling, keeping the pool mistress satisfied comes along with the work. At least in our ideal world. Which is pretty well encapsulated by these idyllic scene. Damn, can you make room for us on that luxurious pool float of yours?

No, this isn’t your run of the mill sleight-of-hand with cards, quarters, or bunnies in hats. These ladies don’t even need a magic wand to make our head spin. Although we guess a magic dildo sort of counts. But we suppose any dildo would become a little enchanted if placed between Nikki and Veruca. When their powers combine, they could probably part the sea of traffic in LA, flatten the Hollywood Hills, or expunge the city of real housewives. They could do this, sure. But turning their faculties to lascivious lesbian sex likely makes the greatest good. At least we think so.

It’s almost like the girl next door, but, uh, way better. Because, sure, you might admire your favorite neighborhood babe, but it’s from afar. The chick on your dick, however, you can hold and watch and love and bang all right there. And that can feel so gratifying, you know? There’s definitely an exquisite beauty and pain in unrequited love, and we’ll swoon over it as much as the next bleeding-heart romantic. But sometimes whackin’ off is preferable to swooning — we’re gonna go ahead and say this is one of those times.

That Mandy! She really knows how to have a good time — yet also remain green and efficient. You see, once she drinks all the vodka from the bottle, she hops aboard the whole “Reuse, recycle, reduce” train and re-utilizes that thing as a stellar masturbator! She should probably be the spokesbabe for some nationwide campaign where everyone sends all their recyclables to her, to bang them. We think that makes sense as a plan. Who said environmental consciousness couldn’t be smoking hot?

We don’t even really have the space, but we’ll make it work for her. If she just stays perched up there on the couch like that, she doesn’t even have to pay rent. All we ask is that she let us sup upon her fantastic puss on occasion. Move over, Diane Deluna! Or on second thought, stay right there. We’ll make room for both of y’all. It’ll be fun! We’ll make family dinners, watch some great TV together, share some laughs and cunnilingus duties. This will work out mighty fine.

Or at least they go a long way in helping! See, people who want to cause trouble and mess with other people’s good vibes should just take a step back, and think of this. Arabelle Raphael’s glorious double-F tatas bounding up and down — how could anyone want to do anything other than spread rainbows and unicorns and sparkles across this world of such beauty?

We’ve sometimes wonder how those gals (and dudes) manage to maintain all those smiles miles up high, trapped in a flying can filled with a buncha jerks. Well, looks like it’s because, deep within the recesses of their top secret airport lounge, there’s plenty of ways to let loose. Any residual flight-time anger can be released through BDSM-therapy — one of the most effective means of positive relaxation there is. So, next time your stewardess passes you your thrice-warmed-over chicken dinner, have a little appreciation. Just don’t let her see…

The literal kind, that is. Although hey, in the right context the human kind of walking asshole jerk is kinda funny to have around too. But still, we prefer the type that can be licked and fucked and admired like a pretty gal in her Sunday best. So, like — this kind. But instead of it being all dolled up in ribbons and lace it’s clad in two spectacular asscheeks that we just want to nuzzle and squeeze. And then push the hell out of the way so we can fuck that ass. Sorry; it’s just how we feel.

That’s really quite lucky for us, because if they were, you know, just marching down to their local Duane Reade or to return books to the library that would be way less cool. Yeah, Katie seems like one of the lovelier things one could storm.

That Audrina Ashley. She’s the kind of gal you could really take home to mom. Not only is she an ace dinner hostess, but she’s efficient about it too. There’s no need for the hassle of placemats and tables and feeding oneself. A hot, naked dude suffices. And if naked eating time weren’t enough, she couples it all with a delectable BJ. If this were us, we’d probably forget to chew or something — then we’d be choking and cumming and that can just be sort of awkward for everyone. But we’re sure with her remarkable multitasking ability, Audrina could deliver the heimlich, blow us, and bake a cake all at once. She’s a magical unicorn, that one.

Sometimes it’s nice to get down to the basics — don’t nobody need nothin’ to have a good time but their own two hands (and a sweet-ass pussy). We’re not sure what things are like in your world, but over here in Fleshbot-land sometimes the consciousness can get clouded with pornstar tricks and high-tech toys — and that’s all well and good, believe us — but it’s also pleasant to reflect on what’s brought us to this place, taken us on our fantastic voyage into deep perversity. It was just straight-up wankin’ it that started it all. And… it’s always a welcome detour.

We’ve heard of real knee-slappers, you know, as far as funny jokes go, but we’d rather go with a tit slap. Because what better combination is there than hilarity and breasts? Although when it comes down to it we suppose breasts make everything better. And when they’re Dani Jensen and Shyla Jennings’ breasts all playing around together? Well, that’s just finer than a barrel of monkeys. Seriously; that seems like it’s asking for trouble.

What could Naja Irie possibly be clutching in her hot little hands? A charm bracelet with sparkling miniature carousel ponies and rainbows? Maybe a handful of Skittles to satisfy her sweet tooth? Oh, no — it’s her boobs. And hey, they’re better than either of these fanciful things! They’ve got enough whimsy to blow the door off an artisanal Brooklyn paperie. Everything about them is lovely and perfect, and we’re just as excited each time they’re revealed as a li’l baby is playing peekaboo. Look — there they are again! Squee!

Ha, no, we’re just kidding — this guy’s banging the shit out of her. But she looks like she rather enjoys it! Like the Queen of England might relish a cup of Earl Grey tea served in a delicate saucer with a side of artisanal biscotti, Ms. Rotten is refined in her fleshly tastes. And Bill Bailey is there to raise his hand to the lovely Bonnie, place his jacket atop a puddle, or carry her if she gets weary. Or slam the bejeezes out of her high-minded honeypot. Tut, tut! What a charming pair.