A German couple and their son relocate to Hammerfest, Norway, where the sunless days and the stress of new work start to pull them apart. Then Maria, the mother, accidentally hits a girl with her car and the family must hide the terrible secret from the town. Incidentally, this heals Maria’s marriage! Ain’t life screwy?

Straight up, we don’t know much about this famous 18th century poet, philosopher, historian, and playwright, we’ve never read any of his works, and we don’t understand his relationship with Goethe, but if this movie has taught us anything, it’s that Schiller was down with the derriere. Hardcore respect for the rump.

Heck yeah, Ulrike Kriener! We stand by your wild convictions and your commitment to sass. Let everybody see your man’s hands on your ass as you dance, roll with a motorcycle gang, blast music as loud as you want, and if anyone gives you guff, flash your titties as you laugh and laugh.

We can’t quite decipher all that’s going on in “Tödliche Versuchung” (“Fatal Attraction”), but we understand that Julia Koschitz is cheating on her husband with a PYT. Adultery needs no language! We see it in the way the young man carries Julia, in the way she begrudgingly puts on the sparkly dress her husband requests, in the differing qualities of her post-sex faces.

Though brief, these moments with Anna Maria Sturm have been enlightening. Never before have we appreciated the strange geometry of goggles and a snorkel on the face of a beautiful, topless, German actress, but now that we know about it, we’re going to buy a whole new set of costumes for the bedroom. Don’t even get us started on fins and flippers.

Here we are, looking at another German crime drama, being tantalized by boobs belonging to a woman who gets involved in a dreadful murder. This is from another episode of “Verbrechen nach Ferdinand von Schirach,” a series of semi-true tales brought to us by a former defense lawyer turned novelist. You don’t remember what we’re talking about? Sure you do: tits on the beach, hatefucks in bed, a bad pun about a girl’s name (not that bad puns narrow it down).

Why is it that we’re willing to date Britta Hammelstein when we see her here riding her man and savagely smacking him in the face? It’s because we’re viewing her through a Britta filter? Get it? Yeah, we like to have fun here at Fleshbot.

We appreciate realistic portrayals of shower sex, especially ones that manage to show furious fucking along with responsibility. At some point, it becomes clear in the minds of these two that they have to shift to the bed; we don’t know if the thought process was “I want to fuck you deeply so let’s move it,” or “I’m going to slip and lose teeth if we don’t get out of here,” but we approve either way.

The “Lake Placid” franchise has brought us ample boobage over the years, and we were saddened when the latest straight-to-DVD release was titled “Lake Placid: The Final Chapter” (although the word “final” doesn’t necessarily mean anything). Fortunately, we stumbled upon this German film about a vicious crocodile escaping into the Danube, and we’re happy to report that it too brings the boobs with sexy lakeside scenery! All is right with the world.

You know those times when you’re having sex with someone, you’re lost in the moment, then you climax, your breathing winds down, reality starts to sink in, and you know you have to get your tired ass out of bed and face the world? Yeah. God bless that miserable time.

Call us crazy, but there are some people we’d gladly be blackmailed by. We don’t want some greasy kingpin lording dirty photos or embarrassing incidents over us because that’s no fun for anybody. However, if a young sinister schoolgirl like Jella Hasse wants to have sex with us, film it, and then control us, we’ll consider that a femdom follow-up to our bedroom antics.

Ever ridden the Wuppertal Suspension Railway? It’s the oldest electric elevated railway with hanging cars in the world. Now, remember those two people who rode a scooter across Sydney Harbour Bridge bare-ass naked? You see where we’re going with this. The kindly clothes-haters of Naked Me got all kinds of nude on the Schwebebahn; we wouldn’t be surprised if this broke some kind of record.

We might as well be asking, “Why do rainbows make us smile?” or “How doth the little crocodile improve its shiny tail?” German crime dramas are German crime dramas and we don’t know what makes them so naturally sexy. Actually, we have a couple of theories…

We wish we could reach out and comfort Yvonne Catterfeld, but honestly, if having sex and taking showers isn’t doing the trick, we don’t know what will. Weed? Maybe we’ll give this character from a German TV-movie some weed. It’s Friday.

Who should we root for: the couple trying to rekindle their relationship with some house-shaking sex, or the strict Catholic mother in the next room fervently praying to God to make them stop? It seems like the answer is obvious, but then again, we’re big believers in the power of gentle sex. If only the mom had prayed for something like premature ejaculation or a really bad leg cramp, then we’d totally be on her side.

It’s New Year’s Eve (we think) in the second part of “Das Adlon. Eine Familiensaga,” and people are doing what people do best: raising heck. They’ve got confetti, screaming, nipples, and enough brassy dance numbers to keep their limbs flailing and loins fucking until New Year’s Day. Or until a fire breaks out.

You’re sitting by the lake, tinkering with your camera, and then a completely nude Christiane Paul sprints past you and dives into the water. You blink; you’ve joined her. How did this happen? Your body parts are mingling with hers and turning the lake into naked babe soup.

Don’t listen to those eggheads at the Eye Wound Institute because they will steer you wrong and salt your game. You are every bit as sexy and sexworthy as a person with two eyes, and you can totally get with babes like Hannah Steele, the only difference is that you depth perception will be a little weak. Aim before you kiss.

Remember Jeanette Hain, the striking German goddess from “The Reader” and “The Young Victoria”? Well, she’s kicking off a new season of the long-running German crime drama “Tatort” by going full frontal and making a nice middle-aged man too horny to talk. Now that’s how you handle a season premiere!

Nina Kuzendorf’s speed symbolizes our return to work. Like her, we are joyously escaping the land and all of its rules and holidays, flinging off everything bit of clothing or concern that’s holding us back, and diving face first into our work. Christmas is over; it’s time to start looking at titties again.