What are parents thinking when they send their hormonal teenager off to boarding school? Instead of merely living in a world that contains other horny people, they now live in a world comprised entirely by other horny teenagers. Oh well, all the better for us, cuz it makes for excellent jerk-off material.

Ah, Paris. It’s the city of lights, the city of love; its denizens effusive with the most beautiful language in the world. What is it that makes us romance the French so? It’s all these dreamy, fanciful perceptions, indeed, but we also can’t help but feel that these folks are known for getting down. So let’s slip on some stockings, pop open a bottle of wine, and get our asses in the air because the French are coming. And coming and coming.

This is basically the same level as world leaders convening for the G8 summit, but with a lot more forceful thrusting and choke-play (we presume). Katsuni and Manuel together hold the clout of scores of leaders of the free adult world. And when their powers combine — they create a 69 to inspire nations, a bang that serves as a call to action.

Hey, there are worse qualities in a maid than being perverse. There’s slovenliness, annoyingness, talking back, and sloth. When faced with these vexing possibilities, yeah, we’d take a pervy yet effective maid any day. In fact, as far as characteristics in people in general go, that’s sort of a boon. Though they may be the help, we don’t mind if they’ve got a little naughty streak and know how to use it.

Ok, so it’s no secret we like sexy shoes and fantastic lingerie, and you know we admire an excellent licking teasing blowjob, and it’s certainly published fact that we go nuts for voyuer girls in androgynous shiny gold pantsuits masturbating in chairs, and everybody knows we have a weakness for a good hotel romp, and you might as well be in on the truth – we just adore the French. So in other words, this movie was made for us.

Now that’s a train after our own heart. We generally like to spend our time on the rails lazing around the dining car oversnacking and contemplating the world as it whizzes by our window. But hell, we’d slap our overpriced cheese plate aside in a heartbeat to get onboard with this spitroast. It makes for a much more exciting sort of snack.

Although, well, you might not be the best teacher because we still don’t know what the hell you’re saying… But from the looks of it, it involves group sex and BJs, and that’s a language we can certainly speak. Comme c’est merveilleux!

We all know what Sophie Marceau’s nipples look like, so even though they’re only teasing through a white bra in this French romantic comedy, we can still appreciate them. And there’s no question even as she approaches her 50′s she fills out some lingerie like nobody.

Spooge on your glasses.. Oh my! We’re continuing our two-week tradition of Facial Friday by indulging in the warming, streaky glow of a jizz-soaked visage. And this time we’ve got a fancy pair of specs. The better to see the jizz with, you know.

Vive la France! Instead of Wonder Bread you get a baguette. Instead of nugs ‘n’ fries from Mickey D’s you get a sophisticated bowl of moules-frites. And instead of fucking in the hotel room you just go ahead and do it in the hall. With the security guard! And if someone discovers you, who’re they gonna call? Security? It’s a regular triomphe.

You know what they say when you reach that certain stretch of land where the hills roll just so, the grass is of an inordinate softness, and the shade of trees provides quaintly dappled coverage overhead — “that’s fuckin’ country.” This retro roll carries us to that halcyon ground with OG French fuckstress Brigitte Lahaie. Bonus: voyeuristic horses(?).

Oh, look! Anna’s playing secretary, fucking her way up to the board room by, well, fucking the entire board, it seems. And all at once! Now that’s the kind of go-get-’em gumption we like to see.

We’re connoisseurs of the nude form whether it be oiled up and getting stuffed hard and fast, or slowly pondered over, laden with languid caresses along every curve. Even in our debauched little hearts we’ve got room for some Enya-style snuggles.

We’re not sure who had the idea for a stunning French babe to put on some tight, tiny shorts and loose, boob-exposing tank top, then hula hoop on a rooftop overlooking a Parisian vista, but kudos. Kudos to you. This is on the same level as coasters with built-in bottle openers in the pantheon of great ideas.

It is like watching a sex clown. The impressively constructed French pornstress Anissa Kate sits spread-legged in an outfit designed like a 14-year-old’s MySpace page and sucking the life out of a lollipop.

Born in France, raised in Los Angeles, destined for greatness: Natasha Nice is our kind of woman. She worked at a burger bar prior to performing adult films, so, you know, something something, joke about “meat.”

Those warm, down-there sensations you’ve heard might be naughty, but seem so inviting… The thrill of your first touch, a rosy flush spreading across your body, sparks that soar… Why not try to document that in film?

Of course we always like witnessing full-on (simulated) movie sex, but playing voyeur to a sweet couple who just likes to hang out naked is a-okay with us.

Oh, the things that bed must have seen! This sexy French couple are all up, over and around it, pulling out all the stops. It seems like there’s nothing they won’t do… How lucky for us.