We know you don’t want to get out of bed, and neither does Marion, but when that alarm goes off she’ll be leaping out of those sheets like a lizard. So whether you’re looking for some subtle gropage beneath the covers or are hoping to see a flash of full frontal, you better prepare yourself and get it while it’s hot.
Lea Seydoux is one of those gals we can never get enough of, though sadly, there’s rarely much of her to go around. The last time we saw her was August of 2012–that’s too long for our liking! So when something like this happens, something like a few seconds of Lea taking off her top and letting her breasts briefly bounce, we have to make the most of it.
No STDs! Then again, you could consider insanity an STD in this case, so maybe we won’t count that one. At least ghosts are always creative in their sexual encounters. Take this young (appearing) lady for example: she appeared once in a nightclub, again tied up on the side of the road, and when she screws you, you have visions of Rene Magritte’s paintings!
But we love her boobs! Each is a little handful of love and well-tanned flesh, and right now, there’s no one else we’d rather frolic through the sand with than Toni Garrn. Also, her name always reminds us of the way pirates talk.
It’s the French Riviera in the summer of 1915, and Jean Renoir–son of the Impressionist painter, Pierre-Auguste–is home to convalesce after being wounded in the war. Fortunately, he has a lovely young woman at his side, Andree (Christa Theret), to help him recover, and she is more than willing to pose fully nude for the elder Renoir’s paintings.
When we started working on today’s Netflix Picks, we just wanted to showcase some movies that feature graphic masturbation. Coincidentally, we ended up with two French movies that both start with the letter E and feature graphic masturbation. Does this mean French movies that start with E are more likely to show people doing themselves? Yes! (But no, not really.)
“Je” is a French short film from last year about a penniless photographer (Tatiana Becquet) living with her grandmother and moving from relationship to relationship without rhyme or reason. In addition to being the lead star, Tatiana also wrote the film, directed it, and got naked in a variety of sexy and surreal scenarios. We can’t not applaud that effort.
Salome Agrippa was killed (or re-killed? extra-killed?) before the end of the last season of “True Blood,” so we no longer get to see the master seductress at work on HBO. Fortunately, the actress who plays her, Valentina Cervi, is totally down to do the dirty in other films. You can just pretend she’s a vampire! It’s like nothing’s changed!
You can hear the whole building bumping with the voices of happy, drunk revelry, but this right here is the serious room, the vagina-sketching room, and Blandine Bellavoir doesn’t get to do anything but sit there with her legs wide open. Oh, the things people do for art!
In “Populaire,” young Rose (Deborah Francois) flees her tiny village to start her life as a forward-thinking 50s woman. She gets a job as a secretary, and when her boss notices that she has extraordinary skills on the typewriter, he gets her involved in speed typing contests. After a while: hot, hot sex.
We haven’t been paying attention to “Nicolas Le Floch,” but now that the fifth season premiere of this beloved French detective show has placed a special new flame in his life, we might have to spend some time catching up. This Nicolas ain’t no sexless Sherlock Holmes, he’s a ladies’ man, and he’s just met his match.
We love Laetitia Casta: we loved her in that Gainsbourg film, we loved that time we saw a lot of her butt, and we wish she would do more 3D nude work. However, now that Laetitia Casta is thirty-four and therefore a MILF, we must move on to a younger French star who’s down with nudity. Enter: Marie-Ange Casta.
She turns her back on you, looks over her shoulder, enters the water, and then goes on her way. It’s such a natural thing to do, it’s probably behavior we inherited from our fishy ancestors, and no matter how gorgeous the woman is, it always hurts when she flees like this. Here, watch it happen twice!
The thing that we love about this sex scene–besides Perdita Weeks’s beauty and sexual aggression–is that all of the action is extremely visible. We’re not saying it’s graphic or hardcore in any sense, but you get to appreciate every movement these lovers make: breathing mouth to mouth, hesitating to touch, removing each other’s pants, pressing their chests against each other. This shit is steamy.
We mean that in the nice way! Like, her name should be Assta because that booty of hers is bananas and it’s all over the place in “Do Not Disturb.” Also, we’re not trying to conflate Laetitia with Asta, the dog from the Nick and Nora detective novels. That wouldn’t make any damn sense, and we’re all about making sense, because there’s nothing more sensible than a nice pair of butt cheeks.
In our experience, there’s no such thing as a fair fight, and there’s nothing wrong with using your breasts to their full potential. If you’re heading into a situation and you feel a little uneasy, give yourself an advantage by pouring water all over your shirt and making them nips stand out. The cold should help keep you alert, too!
When you hear that a title of some movie is called “Une liaison pornographique,” you probably expect it to be some erotic French film that’s all about people dripping candle wax on each other and then ejaculating on each other. But no, that’s not how the sex here goes down. It’s cozy cowgirl with slow hips and sweet smooches. What kind of porn is that? Even New Sensations Romance is more hardcore.
Some pulsing music, comfortable seating, cozy temperature, and a naked swaying body on which to rest your eyes: yep, sounds like a quick way to get hypnotized to us. Even if you love strippers and strip clubs, there are times times when you kind of want someone to come in and shoot a mirror, just in case the mirrors are enchanted and draining you of life essence.
If you had lived your life a little differently, you could be in the French countryside right now, living with a MILF of your very own. Or maybe we’re wrong; there are only so many MILFs and so many chateaus in the world. At least we can all enjoy ogling Audrey–she’s a beautiful mature lady who gracious blogs her bod without any clothing on. Hooray for living vicariously!
Brokenhearted? Lovelorn? Struggling under the weight of a thousand emotional blue balls? That’s where Charlotte Gainsbourg comes in; she’s an older widow who will change your perception of romance and relationships, and even though you won’t ever be sure that you love her, she’ll ride you until beside candles melt down to nothing.