That Audrina Ashley. She’s the kind of gal you could really take home to mom. Not only is she an ace dinner hostess, but she’s efficient about it too. There’s no need for the hassle of placemats and tables and feeding oneself. A hot, naked dude suffices. And if naked eating time weren’t enough, she couples it all with a delectable BJ. If this were us, we’d probably forget to chew or something — then we’d be choking and cumming and that can just be sort of awkward for everyone. But we’re sure with her remarkable multitasking ability, Audrina could deliver the heimlich, blow us, and bake a cake all at once. She’s a magical unicorn, that one.

Who cares if the story of the Banquet of Chestnuts is considered foolish by most historians? Certainly not us. All we care about is the fact that Showtime has the gumption to show us what possibly went down on that fateful night in October of 1501: food, fucking, and prizes for the cardinals who proved their virility above others.

Take a guess. It’s the fucking, right? Yeah, sort of! More precisely, it’s the energetic, back-arching, sweat-drenching, piston-powered loins of fire style fucking that James is known for that helps keep him looking so lean and mean. But there’s more to it than that! Read and learn!

Yeah dudes, that SyFy network knows how to sneak the sexy in wherever possible, and we’re not just talking about the sideboob seen through Mia Kirshner’s apron, or the spherical cleavage of Jaime Murray. We’re talking about this new neat fetish we’ve just been exposed to: sensual skillet torture. Watch and learn.

At first we thought Audrina Ashley was thoughtfully applying sunscreen to her boyfriend’s dickhead in a prudent and preemptive move to avoid sunburn on that sensitive area. But when she sucks it right off, there goes our theory. Aha! It’s whipped cream. Lord only knows how they’ll keep it nice and chilled during their fun day at the beach, but at least we don’t have to worry about dickburn — because she’s keeping it pristine and safe within that pretty mouth. Hey, can we do that instead of slicking up with SPF? It seems way more effective…

If you’re bestowing upon us some standard gifts of romance, if you must, we’ve always sorta preferred candy over flowers. It may be our inner fatty coming out, but, you know, flowers are pretty but they just sorta die. And you can’t eat them. But candy is pretty too, and gets so nicely sticky-sweet. Especially when slid back and forth between Samantha Bentley’s gorgeous, pillowy, luscious lips. Heck, when it comes down to it we may wanna bite those things more than any sugary confection. Bite, lick, and suck… and we have a feeling Ms. Bentley wouldn’t mind.

Her Majesty may reign supreme in Juliland, but there are certain realms where she’s sadly no longer welcome. After peace treaty talks with the King of Candyland fell through, Samantha recorded and posted this video online. Needless to say, she is now persona non grata in Candy Castle. We think it’s hot though!

Dude, we know you’re trying to stay away from sweets, count your calories, keep your blood sugar low, all that good stuff, but there are times when you have to treat yourself. When Emily O’Hara shows up in bunny ears and pours chocolate all over her huge boobs, you simply must have a taste; like, you’re literally required by law in this case.

Ashlynn Brooke, Ashlynn Brooke… It’s been a while since we’ve heard that name. Wonder what she’s been up to? Well, she’s retired, a brunette, a mom, and she does her own cooking show on Youtube: “Cooking Your Ash Off.” And guess what? It’s fucking adorable! Watch as Ashlynn Ashley Stewart prepares one of her favorite recipes, Beer Can Chicken.

We were pretty darn good at beer pong back in the day, as much of a non-bro as we were. We reveled in that small white ball sailing through the air, hitting its liquid gold target square in the center — no rim. But, as with most of our sporting pursuits, we eventually grew tired of this diversion and its fleeting glory. That’s until we realized you could trade the pong for thong — what a world that opens up! Now this is a party. Sure, there’s still the ubiquitous red plastic cups, but instead of getting “cheers-ed” amidst ping-pong ball residue, they’re pouring beautiful beer down a gorgeous babe-lube. Damn! We’d feel pretty sheepish doing kegstands in the corner while this is going on. Yeah, avaunce! To the babe lube. Let’s chug our hearts out.

Why did this Brazilian artist film a woman grinding on lettuce and jackfruit in a paint-covered car? What’s up with the mask? Are we supposed to be horrified or horny? Sometimes, like right now, we don’t want an explanation. “Just ’cause” is just cause enough for us, especially when everything’s so aesthetically pleasing!

Charlie Spat’s project Porn For Everyone is pretty radical. Check it out here for more info on how you can support it. In the meantime, support it by watching this adorable and incredible hot hardcore video of two romantic queers loving on cupcakes and one another.

One unhappy reviewer describes “Nestyda” as a movie in which “everything seems to go quite well for everybody” and there’s no real lasting conflict or sad situations for anyone. Perhaps a plot without real tension is boring, but we’re more than happy to watch some lucky weatherman bring his son’s nanny to squealing orgasm over and over.

It was Amy who came up with the idea to photograph her topless in a tub full of cheeseburgers, but both she and Igor shared the struggle of making it happen. They found a motel in Jersey, inched through traffic to get there, secured the heart-shaped tub, ordered a hundred burgers (both cheesy and non-cheesy), and got down to business.

Ingredient list: tortillas, filet mignon, king crab legs, lobster, Amy’s refried beans, guacamole, cilantro (“picked this morning from Whole Foods”), brie, mango-peach salsa, rice, beluga caviar, Perrier-Jouët, and Macallan single malt scotch aged eighteen years. James notes, “As a rule, I think we should probably dip everything in the Macallan.” The guacamole, however, gets infused with champagne.

See what else Justene Jaro is into by visiting Stagg Street

Or, to be more precise, manscaping and trying to get the female sex offender down the street to take an interest in your smooth balls is bad, but we’re sure Lip thought it was a good idea when he was in the process of doing it. It takes his pretty/angry/horny girlfriend and some unsatisfying cunnilingus to make him realize the error of his ways; par for the course, right?

That’s how the saying goes, right? Because that seems pretty darn easy as far as tasks go. But when it comes down to sugar-coated brass tacks, we’re on the same page as this fellow. One may as well forego the hard candies and gummi bears for the sweetest treat of all — pink and perfect nips! And best of all? They don’t melt in your mouth.

The last time we saw Cortney Palm, she was running away from a psychotic nudity-hating Santa: kind of a bummer. Fortunately, she’s back in a different film, she’s the titular character, and she’s going to show men everywhere that just because you can eat sashimi off her tits doesn’t mean she won’t kick your ass.